Personal Mental State

[ashworth]

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, but it has proven difficult.

I wasn't completely sure where to post this, as I saw this as a general MA topic, but then an instructor topic, but the overall subject of it is mental health so figured it could fit here...

Nowadays you will find that most people have suffered with mental health issues in some way or another in various different forms, so I expect many of you may be able to relate to this post in someway.

I have had a recurring on-going battle with depression for a little over 10 years, I have seen a therapist, and gone through different CBTs (cognitive behavioural therapy) but it's something that has kept coming back.

Had a few big time issues that potentially contributed to this, an unpleasant family split when I was 7 which lead to a scary childhood with an angry father until I was able to leave him after countless family court hearings. Then later in life losing twins in a miscarriage that my other half went through. Whilst all of this was in the past, and I felt relatively over it all. I have found myself slipping back further into my depression than I ever was before, despite my life being significantly better.

Now I am in a happy marriage and have two gorgeous girls, one 3 and then other will be 1 in September. But I have felt a change in my identity, I suppose I may be going through an identity crisis? Obviously becoming a father is a big life changing event and changes are expected.

My Karate and martial arts in general has always been a big part of who I am, but for the past couple of years I haven't been able to put the time and effort into my club that I should have, and it has definitely suffered. A couple of months ago I made a difficult decision to stop running my weekly class and just run a class once a month for those students interested, this is more for myself really because I hate the idea of my club not being there... but with money being tight, there not being enough students to break even and finding it difficult to make it every week due to home life with little ones, this was something I had to do.

Since this decision I have found that I don't regret it, my personal and family life must come first, but I don't feel like myself sometimes and my depression kicks in, I have thought about attending a normal class with other instructors that I know who have always said that I'm welcome, but I have found myself making excuses and struggling to get round to doing it.

With my own training I'm having the same motivational issues, but when I do get around to training it feels very emotional, especially when I go through Kata. I can't figure out if it's a good or bad emotion though. Sometimes the voice in my head says that karate has failed me (this is during my depression episodes, my rational head knows that this isn't the case)

Anyway, I feel happy that I have managed to get this off of my chest, especially after wanting to post about it for so long, I think I have explained myself, I feel like I'm missing something but I can't think what, if I remember I'll add it at a later date. But for now, this will do.

Has anyone else been through this kind of issue with running their club or just your own training in general?

[Zaine]

Thank you for sharing, Ashley. I firmly believe that the more people are open about their struggles with mental health, the more it normalizes that openness to others. The world becomes a better place when we feel okay talking about these things in public and I have spent no small part of my life talking about my own struggles with mental health in an effort to lead others into being more comfortable sharing theirs. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD. It's something that I've struggled with all of my life. I don't remember a time when this wasn't an issue for me. I am on a number of medications to help control my various disorders (3, to be precise) and also have gone through CBT and therapy. I recently got TMS, which is a (very expensive) procedure that uses magnets to create new neural pathways in your brain to help the symptoms of depression. That seems to be working. I still, however, have my low days, or anxious days, or inattentive days (I'm currently supposed to be working).

What I can say is that my low moments absolutely effect my relationship with martial arts in a negative way. Like you, I feel that it is a worthless endeavor. Even though doing martial arts is meditative for me and often key to getting me out of these "funks." I stopped thinking about karate altogether after my kid was born. I had too much on my plate and I was too stressed to think of extra-curriculars. I was going to school, as well. Thinking about karate made me feel bad about myself so I stopped. I even stopped visiting this forum, gave up my mod status, and disappeared for a bit because just seeing the word Karate gave me panic attacks. It was like I was losing a part of myself. It wasn't until I started up again that I felt whole, once more. Now, with the perspective that time gives, I understand that my various identity crises were connected to me selling parts of myself off to make ends meet. I am in a better place financially now, and that plays a big part in my growth back into myself.

To do that, I had to answer a few questions about myself, and I now pose them to you. Feel free to answer these privately. I also posed them to my wife, because her mental health is my mental health. A family cannot function properly without all players being healthy. Sometimes, one player has to pick up for another, but the balance should be there in one way or another.

Do I like who I am right now?

This is a tough question to ask. The answer I came up with was no. That might not be the answer for you, but if it is, find ways to fix that.

Am I doing something for my personal benefit?

For me, that was things like taking time to write, do karate, and do things that I enjoyed with or without anyone else. People need time for personal development. It makes us better people and, by extension, better partners and parents.

Are the people in my life the right people for me?

Some where, and others weren't. I phased those that were a negative influence on me.

Do I have long-term goals?

I have struggled with suicide in the past. Part of that was that I had nothing to look forward to. When formulating these questions, I realized that not only did I feel better about myself when I had low days, but I had something to work towards. I got especially low after finishing my Masters degree because I felt that there was nothing else for me. Make sure that you have something that you are working towards, even something as mundane as "be ripped in 2024."

Finally, is there someone I feel comfortable talking to?

This could be your spouse, parent, a friend, or a therapist. I like to talk to someone who will be objective about my issues. If you have no one who can do that for you, you do now. Please feel free to reach out to me, I'm happy to be a listening board.

At the end of the day, it looks like you're going through a lot right now. A lot of it is good. Being a parent is tough but wonderful and it's natural to let things like karate take up a back burner for the time being. I suggest that you continue to stick with it, like you are, in some capacity. It is a part of your identity and wanting to keep a hold of it is good. I practiced solo for years before returning to a dojo setting. I am currently dojoless and practicing myself or with random sparring nights. Continue to find those moments of self-development, even when you don't want to. Especially when you don't want to. It's what keeps us moving forward.

[bushido_man96]

Kudos to both of you for sharing here. Those are a great handful of questions to ask, Zaine. Very helpful.

I find myself in a slump in training quite often. I'm not sure quite how to get around it. My shift rotates, though, and sleeping during the day is not productive for me, so I think I'm often just tired when it comes time to train. On those days, I still try to do something, even if it is just a walkthrough on forms. It can be a tough thing, for sure.

[sensei8]

I echo Brian's sentiment because it might've not been an easy decision to make for either of you two shares. Thank you both for your courage.

My "slump" has taken a turn for the worse because my continued cancer fight has made it where my times on the floor as both a student and a teacher is facing the inevitable fact that my MA journey's reaching its sorrowful end.

The damage to my spines T12 and L4 is still taking its toll on me. My ability to stand and walk are becoming for more shorter, even with Physical Therapy to regain both strength and mobility.

As I type this, means to get me a DME Mobility Scooter are in the works. Meanwhile, I use a cane or a upright walker to get from point A to point B. Wish I could park my car or truck inside my apartment because the walk to either causes me a lot of pain or my knees buckle underneath me, and that's an alarming sensation for me.

No matter how strong I am I mind and spirit, and I'm very strong in that regard, I have my share of depressions that oftentimes are more that even I can bear. The words of William Shakespeare’s Shylock rings loud and true, but not as an excuse but more as a last grasp of worthiness.

Brian's right, Zaine brings up great pointed questions...

Do I like who I am right now?

As a person? Yes. As a MAist? NO!! However, the one bleeds into the other whereas the totality of this question is NO!! To have my over 5 decades as a MAist come crashing down all around me are very difficult for me to fathom. Even seeing a Physical Therapist to help me deal with the cancer fight and the emptiness of my MA journey aren't comforting all of the time.

Am I doing something for my personal benefit?

As much as I'm able to. Not everything in my life revolves around my MA journey, for the most part, yet, that's true. But I love to play a game of chess and right now that helps me to keep my mind sharp. I'm still writing my memoirs, however, I've not the sharpest pen in the drawer, but I'm trying to be a better writer whether it be self-study or through a class. I train in the MA every day, I don't know how to not to not matter how much my body isn't willing to because my mind must train as much as I can in the MA.

Physical Therapy is at the foremost whenever my personal benefit is concerned. I know that Rome wasn't built in a day, so, regaining my strength and mobility will take more than a day.

Maybe I should get DDP Yoga; it couldn't hurt.

Are the people in my life the right people for me?

For the most part, yes. Those that were negative were kicked to the curb, and not just for a season but for good. My current support group are the right people for me across the board.

Do I have long-term goals?

YES!! To become cancer free!! This is paramount!! Secondly, to regain my strength and mobility!! Thirdly, return to the floor!!

Finally, is there someone I feel comfortable talking to?

Yes. My wife, Linda and my children, Nathan and Krystal. They're my rocks. After them, my brother, Donald and my nieces and nephew. My son-in-law, Jason brings some pointed arguments that seriously helps me in many areas.

I keep my students at bay, for the most part, because I feel that I'm letting them down by not being on the floor. So, I confide in them but I do hold back for my personal reasons.

The four of us, ashworth, Zaine, Brian, myself and other MAists are fighters to the Nth degree, and because of that, the words that scream from our most inner being...7 times down and 8 times up have to be true. And they are!!

[ashworth]

Thanks for all of your input and for sharing your own stories.

Zaine, I know it's strange but I'm glad I'm not alone, I completely understand what you mean about just seeing the word gave you panic attacks. That's how I have been feeling, I have been avoiding it. Finally found the courage to visit a friends class last night, being meaning to for ages, but kept making excuses.

The lead up to the class was so intense for me, at home before leaving I was so nervous and my anxiety levels were through the roof! heavy breathing, legs feeling heavy, took a lot of effort just leaving the house! right up until I walked through the doors to the dojo I just kept thinking about getting back into my car and going home... But I didn't! I made it into the class, saw a couple of instructor friends that I have know for ages, met some new ones, took part in the class and everything was fine! was a very friendly group and I'm hoping to go again next week!

Also another further development since I started this post. I had an appointment at my GP surgery with a mental health practitioner, talked a bit more about the anti-depressants that I'm on and that I need to be aiming for 90mins of exercise a week to aid their effectiveness. To be honest I'm not far from that anyway. Also talked about my sleep and my sleep Apnea (something that hasn't been confirmed yet) he has suggested I get an appointment with my doctor for testing that, I also have another appointment with the mental health practitioner in a months time for a follow up and to decide the next step.

Glad that I am taking the steps to improve the current situation, feeling more positive today...

[Zaine]

I'm so happy to hear that. Every Friday I go to a sparring night and I always feel that twinge of anxiety, but I make myself go and the second I step through the doors and start sparring it all fades away. I just have to remind myself that this is something that I love to do and it will be okay.

I love that you're taking more steps to control your mental health. It's a tough journey, as you know, and takes a lot of bravery. I proud to know you.

[JazzKicker]

One part of your story that jumped out at me is you now have an infant and a toddler. It's no surprise to me at all that your karate practice has been disrupted for the last couple of years!

I'm a late-in-life dad, my daughter is now almost 6. It completely changed my life's routines, and it changes your identity and what's important, too. I had a hard time adjusting, and went to therapy for a while.

Karate may give you inner strength and perseverance, and patterns for coping, too. Parenting takes a whole different toolkit than martial arts provides. If you have 2 kids I don't have to tell you that. Just consider you're in a different club now, it's normal to have different feelings.

[Patrick]

I'm a late-in-life dad, my daughter is now almost 6. It completely changed my life's routines, and it changes your identity and what's important, too.

+1 to this. I didn't go to therapy, but it really makes you question a lot about yourself.

Thanks for sharing JazzKicker - and Ashley, and everyone.

[KarateKen]

I battled depression and anxiety for years and was in therapy for years (on and off) because of it. To me it really comes down to doing what you think is best/right at the time you need to make the decision. If you live a life that you feel good about, that helps you become the person you want to become, it is easier to accept that not everything will work out and not everyone will approve of your choices. That's OK, as long as you believe in that you did the right thing with the information you had at the time it is easier to accept results you don't want.

At least that is what has worked for me.

Also, we often can't have all the information at the time we make decisions. Just do the best you can with what you've got.

As Bill Murray said in Groundhog Day "you make choices in life, and you live with them."

[Nidan Melbourne]

It's great you got that off your chest, as it can seriously weigh you down, and cause issues in your life.

I've had Serious Mental Health Issues over the Years; Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Codependency, Brain Trauma. So I know what your going through with your own Mental Health.

[qoute]I have had a recurring on-going battle with depression for a little over 10 years, I have seen a therapist, and gone through different CBTs (cognitive behavioural therapy) but it's something that has kept coming back.[/qoute]

What a lot of people don't realise is that Depression is a life-long issue, as we all have our ups and downs. Just like waves in the ocean, but for people like us those "downs" sometimes may be bigger than others.

No matter how much progress we make, there is always the possibility that a depressive episode can occur. But at the same time it is how we look at it, and manage it is the real battle.

my personal and family life must come first

This was an interesting comment I read in your post. And I know it may sound controversial and some may disagree with me on this.

Yes Family is important, as you have a responsibility to your wife and children.

BUT

At the end of the day; YOU are the most important person in your life.

WHY?

Because if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your family. When your children look at you taking care of yourself, you are teaching them about SELF-CARE.

After I got married, I had a Car Accident and left my job and this was a few months after my daughter was born. I stopped looking after myself and doing what I needed to do. What happened caused so much tension between my wife and I, and it eventually led to our seperation this past December.

During that period, I gained 70 Kg (154 pounds) and this year I started looking after my head space and my physical health. So I can lose that weight that I had gained over the last few years.

[qoute]I can't figure out if it's a good or bad emotion though[/qoute]

Growing up, I had the same issue where I couldn't recognize what I was feeling emotionally. More often than not, it led to me being short tempered even if it was actually a positive emotion.

But over the last few months, and listening to others and allowing myself to hear what others have to say has allowed me to process what you said.

Emotions, are there to help you stick to your values and to enjoy or learn from a moment in time. Happiness and Sadness have the same end goal and message that is trying to convey. Even though Sadness can have multiple meanings.

Then you compare to Anger, what is it trying to tell you? what occured? Reflect and Learn from it!

But I have felt a change in my identity, I suppose I may be going through an identity crisis? Obviously becoming a father is a big life changing event and changes are expected.

Everyone goes through a big change when they become a parent. Sometimes you think your ready, but when it happens it may kick you saying "you weren't ready".

For me I thought I was ready when my daughter was born. But in reality I hadn't opened myself up to the difficulties that we were going to face. and that I wasn't actually ready because I was the youngest in the family and never actually held such responsibility in my own family. So I truly struggled in changing and being open to becoming the best father i could be.

And I would do anything for my little one. So I am doing what I have to do to get better for myself, so i can be there for her.

Because at the end of the day, if we can't be open to ourselves especially with the difficult stuff. We can't be open with our partner or kids.