Instructors dating students

[username18526]

I've been to martial arts classes where the instructor ended up dating or marrying one of the students and is now happily married. I had another where the instructor was dating one of his black belts, and there was nothing inappropriate about it really. Anyone have any good or bad dojo dating stories?

[ashworth]

When I was a younger I was seeing the instructors daughter, then I ended up starting my own club, she came with me and help me run the classes. It did work well for a while but just wasn't meant to be and I had to move away.

Fast forward a fair few years and I had a girlfriend become a student, then we decided to have a baby... and then another one... so she hasn't been able to return to the dojo yet... We are married now too

[bushido_man96]

There will be good and bad experiences here, just like any human experience. I met my wife at TKD class, so it worked out pretty well for me. I think it's important for an instructor to be professional about it; if an instructor is trying to date every good looking student that comes through the school, then he/she should probably reconsider their motives. But many times, something happens organically, and everyone lives happily ever after.

[DarthPenguin]

As bushido_man says, i think that the professionalism aspect is vitally important here.

Can't have the instructor just hitting on anyone they find attractive; is inappropriate and creates a negative atmosphere in the class. However, people can (and do) meet people with similar interests and naturally get together.

One of these err on the side of caution and be sensible things i think (don't act like Danny McBride's character in "the Foot Fist Way" )

[aurik]

I think that as long as the relationship is consensual on both sides and is handled well it can work. For example, my CI married a student last year. Of course, they had been dating for a number of years and I suspect that their relationship predated her joining as a student. I imagine things get a bit tricky when promotions are involved though, being her instructor of record. However, that is also tempered by the fact that all dan-level gradings at our school are evaluated by a board of certified instructors of the student's grade or higher. It also helps that she regularly (once or twice a year) trains with the head of our organization, so he can and does evaluate her performance then (keep in mind he has final say over any dan level grading).

In the end, as long as the participants are both of age and consent, and they keep things discreet in class, I see no problem with it. However, I would also suggest that instructors be somewhat cautious about this for the same reason that dating a coworker could be tricky. If the relationship goes south, then it could cause friction in the dojo.

Just my .02 worth.

Edited April 11, 2023 by aurik

[sensei8]

Even consensual, that type of relationship should be avoided for some obvious reasons, as well as unobvious reasons. The floor needs to stay as pure as possible whenever integrity is concerned, and the floor is quite pure in its judgement.

One of the biggest things that are highly frown upon is their being a relationship between the CI and its Instructor staff is dating because feelings can be hurtful, which spills into the relationship of the Ci and its Student body, who end up being the ones hurt one way or another.

I've had instructors of mine fall in love with a student of mine. Each time, which was few, I pulled them both in my office to just let them know that I'm happy for them both and I wish them happiness. Nonetheless, leave your love for one another outside of my dojo because in my dojo we're in the business of serious training and I will not allow my floor to be used for anything else. I've expelled students and the instructor for violating the integrity of the floor and the dojo.

New love can birth favoritism, of which integrity can be put on the back burner. That risks the purity of the integrity of the CI AND the school. Can two people in love leave their newfound or established love be left outside of the school while still business is the only thing happening.in the school?!?

If not, then end one or the other because no one can serve two masters; one will be jealous or the other.

Imho.

[Spartacus Maximus]

Even between consenting adults, it would be ethically wrong and a stupid decision from a strictly business or administrative perspective. One only has to imagine the potential repercussions on the school’s training atmosphere when other students find out.

Imagine the accusations of favouritism and all the headaches when the couple would fight or have disagreements(all couples do that eventually). Is it really wise for an instructor to bring such personal things into the school? There are a few things that don’t belong in a training place and romance is definitely one of them.

[bushido_man96]

So, should spouses not train together?

[sensei8]

So, should spouses not train together?

No, they should train together BUT only with the explicit understanding that they are there to train and only with the approval of their CI.

[Wastelander]

I'm generally of the opinion that instructors should not date students, the exception being if they began dating before the student became a student. There is an uneven power dynamic between an instructor and student, making consent difficult to legitimately obtain, just as there would be between a supervisor and employee. Besides that, it can also make for an awkward and uncomfortable dojo atmosphere if the instructor is hitting on students, or if they break up and the student continues to train.