Facepalm yet again (this time @ dojo)

[Nidan Melbourne]

So on Wednesday during the adults class that i was training in. Peter (who was the honorary BB that I told you all about previously) decided to be the bad guy and bullied me.

- Clarification: He only got his BB because he told everyone that he had to stop Karate because he doctors told him that he can't continue because of his eye sight and hearing, of which if he got hit in the head he would go blind + deaf.

This was during the warm up and he decided to go "you have to lose 20 kg because i can't work with ANYONE over 90 kg, and your too fat to work with me!"

Now on the inside I wanted to tear him a new one and rip his head off his body for that comment. But I didn't and all i could say was "Dude that is so not cool and should NEVER say anything like that to anyone no matter what"

Now being the bad person that he is (instead of the certain 'C' word) didn't care what he said and didn't apologize.

Sensei had heard what Peter had said and tore him an absolute new one. Sensei didn't a chance to speak to me because he was the only instructor teaching and he had to leave prior to the last class of the day. But We have spoken via email since the incident.

As I have told him that if he (sensei) doesn't sort out Peter, I will leave the dojo and not recommend any more people to the dojo. My only conditions were that Peter has to apologize to me and/or leave the dojo because that behavior is not appropriate or i leave.

I am one of the few experienced instructors he has and that he knows that I am very honest when it comes to this.

I tried to brush it off but this behavior and type of comments can't keep going, and not for the rest of the students sake or mine.

It made me angry yes because he doesn't realize that i have been busting my guts out to lose weight (lost 10 kg in the last month) and is extremely difficult due to me having a thyroid problem. Considering I go to the gym 4 times a week, karate 3 times per week, then also run and do own training every day that i don't have karate. But then again he should know that people shouldn't be saying stuff like that especially with the effect that it has on people.

The dojo has always been a safe spot for me (a sanctuary if you will) and everyone treats everyone with respect. They never make any negative comments about anyone. Even the smallest of partners ive worked with has never complained about my weight or who i am. Because they at least respect who i am and not judge me for it. And that if we are required to do something that involves putting the other person on their back or whatever they know that i will do something different for their own safety.

Now I have suffered from Depression for the last 5 years and have been very much suicidal for the last 3 years. And currently at a real low point. So this did affect me to the core and have spoken to my psychologist already about it because i didn't want to get worse or do anything stupid.

What are your opinions on this?

[chiliphil1]

I think that you made the right call, allow your chief instructor to handle these issues and don't get into a measuring contest with someone else.

In addition I think you are headed the right direction in regard to saying that you would leave. If you are not enjoying the school and you are having a hard time then maybe leaving would be the best thing. It is supposed to be fun and if it is not because of something like an inconsiderate person whom sounds like he has a bit of a "power trip" going on then by all means you should pursue what does make you happy.

I would certainly give your instructor some time to sort it out but please don't let something like this push you to that edge just step away if you need to, sometimes you have to take care of #1 and I think this would be one of those times.

[Nidan Melbourne]

I'm not training till Monday as i am moving house over the weekend.

I'm giving him time to sort things out anyway. But one of the other factors that is pushing me to leave is that my dojo is starting to become a mcdojo which is concerning me and i'm not only one who believes this.

[jaypo]

This "Peter" sounds like he's about 1 stupid comment from getting floored. And I don't mean by you. I mean that he obviously has an attitude problem, and he's probably gonna get under someone's skin eventually that doesn't care if he has eye and ear problems. They're going to put his claims to the test.

If I were the CI, I'd certainly insist that the behavior stop or he would be asked not to come back.

Don't take it personally. "Peter" seems to be the one with the problem. I work with people from 30 lbs up to 360lbs, and I don't treat them any differently. That has nothing to do with the training! For you, just realize that he's probably bitter at tthe hand he's been dealt, and his way of making himself feel better is to lash out at others. So instead of anger, feel pity for him for he's the one with the problem!

[sensei8]

The CI makes the decisions!! No one...students and instructors alike should give an ultimatums. That's the fastest way to be shown the door!!

The situation you've described is an unprofessional one! One that shouldn't be tolerated by anyone, and particularly, the CI. I believe, from what you've posted, that an apology is warranted by said student.

Allow the CI to be the CI!! Allow the CI to counsel said student, and, if necessary to do so, discipline said student. Your job, as an instructor, is to TEACH!! First and foremost!! As a student of the CI, your job is to LEARN!! Separate the two because they are separate issues, and they need to be nourished.

But if you had given me an ultimatum, I would've called you on the carpet in my office, and our discussion would've been about who gives the ultimatums in my dojo, and we would've reached an undeniable understanding about that. THEN, we would've, together, discussed the possible things that we could've done to help said student, but, the final decision would've been mine!!

I don't envy your position concerning the situation, and I wish you best, and I believe that you'll overcome this with distinguished professionalism. You've got my support!! Having said that, the CI is the CI...bottom line, and you're not the CI. If you're going to allow this said student to dictate your emotions, then leaving the dojo might be the better thing to do for all concerned. But if you leave the dojo, do so of your own choosing. And if you leave the dojo, that said student wins...and you lose!!

[vaporman]

Nothing like going in public to know what you look like. As for leaving or staying or anything else if you force it its probably best to move on.

[cathal]

But one of the other factors that is pushing me to leave is that my dojo is starting to become a mcdojo which is concerning me and i'm not only one who believes this.

Can you outline your reasons for this?

Edit: spelling

[Nidan Melbourne]

But one of the other factors that is pushing me to leave is that my dojo is starting to become a mcdojo which is concerning me and i'm not only one who believes this.

Can you outline your reasons for this?

Edit: spelling

When my dojo first opened my sensei was tough (as in you actually had to do well). But now he is passing students on tests (for tags) and for gradings as well when they shouldn't have passed at all. For instance one of our Shodan-Ho Students should have failed because he showed a lack of control in his techniques (Could have seriously injured someone), he couldn't perform his grading kata to a suitable level (He made A LOT of very obvious big mistakes), didn't do well with kihon (even though when you go for your BB it should be of a high standard) etc.

It isn't because he isn't coping with running a school, but then again he hasn't helped himself by not getting on more instructors that can take on the reigns of the weekday classes and run them 4-9 pm without him there.

When many of the students I fail because they can't do a basic technique or can't perform something that they should be able to do in their sleep and they go "I should have passed!"

[cathal]

What efforts have you made to communicate your concerns with your sensei? I'm unsure if you've posted this already, I've only just returned from a few years absence.

[bushido_man96]

I do agree with you that this individual's actions aren't suited for the dojo, and that it would require a discussion with the head instructor in regards to them.

I don't agree with the ultimatum that you presented to the head instructor, though. I wouldn't say that you don't have a right to be upset about the situation, because you do. No one should put up with that kind of behavior, especially in a place where courtesy and respect are so supposed to be standard operating procedure. However, to me, the ultimatum sounds a bit disrespectful, too. It sounds like you are trying to force his hand, and if you are threatening to leave, then it sounds like you probably ought to leave and seek training elsewhere, anyhow. It sounds to me like you don't trust the sensei to do anything about a situation like this unless you present an ultimatum like that, and if that is the case, then its probably not a place you would want to be, anyhow.

But that's just my two cents on the matter. Hopefully, when its all said and done, everything comes out ok between the three of you.