evergrey

They could not pay me enough to do that. Being institutionalized is one of my worst nightmares. Doctors aren't psychic. They can't really know. Okay, some mental illnesses you can test for. But many you can't, really. Not physically. Goodness knows doctors get things wrong often enough, even when it is physical I just noticed the date of the publication. 1975? Oh maaaaan I would argue that anyone who would willingly get themselves admitted back then really WAS insane. Do you know the kinds of things they DID back then?

I don't know, it seems kind of tacky. Like something someone desperate for happiness would buy without realizing that they aren't going to be any happier owning two home theatres instead of one. I'd take a much smaller house that felt like a home with hundreds of acres of green pasture and a nice barn instead, personally. Wouldn't mind having a little dojo in my home though, so I wouldn't have to go to the park to practice my katas with a peanut gallery of random people, hah! Oh well, I should probably get on that...

I bet you'd be fun to spar!

Ah, with poor vision you have to learn to focus on the movement and what close those movements will give you about what is coming next. Are contacts an option?

I think it could work within certain relationship dynamics, and work quite well. But there is, of course, potential for disaster as well. I'd try to look at it on a case by case basis.

OSU, sensei. I'll uh, take that as a hint.

I would try to defend him with all my strength. He's a much much better fighter than I am, and he might be unhappy with me for putting myself at risk... Actually I think we've discussed this a bit. I believe the compromise we came up with was that if he was in trouble or couldn't defend himself well enough, and I couldn't get help fast enough, I'd do my best to protect him. I'm not entirely sure he's happy with that, even. He's pretty protective of me. But I also know, like tallgeese said, that he wouldn't be fighting unless he absolutely had to. I trust that if he is in a situation like that, he has no choice and is not being dishonorable, so I will stand by him. And I am familiar with the concept of on and giri. I have an obligation of loyalty to defend him. I can never repay him for the time and knowledge he is giving me, and will continue to give me. So yep. I'm willful and a terrible pain, and I would do my best to help him stay safe and sound, even though he'd likely chastise me for it later.

Aren't endorphins great? They're nature's little morphine shot.

Hi folks, Things are a little rough in the land of Ev right now, and I've been having a difficult time coping. Well, my sensei came over today and fed me, took me out for coffee, then we watched that "300" movie together. Totally historically inaccurate, but a lot of fun. It got my blood up a bit. Now, sensei and I are constantly surprising one another with strikes. He lands way more than I do, but sometimes I manage too. I's just how we interact. But sometimes we go into sparring mode. In a year or two we'll go full contact, but for now because I am so new, it's only part contact. Not full powered blows. Strong enough to leave some pretty good lumps and bruises though. My Aikido horsemanship mentor says my arms make me look like a victim of domestic violence, but he shakes his head and grins when he says it. I think he understands, at least a bit. Sensei and I, we duke it out. We will duke it out for hours. He's way out of my league but he gives me a lot of opportunities to learn... and every time one of us lands a really painful blow, the kind that maybe makes you pause for a moment? We both just grin more. Start laughing. Sometimes one of us gets a shot in good enough that the other goes on an aggressive retaliation spree. Well, that's pretty Kyokushin- crashing on your opponent like relentless waves. It hurts a lot but... it's FUN. And it is so therapeutic. I walk around with all this stress and tension all the time. I'm so hyper-vigilant, waiting for an attack. It's a huge relief to have something to fight. To get that adrenaline out of my system in a relatively safe and controlled environment, as sensei works hard and making sure that neither of us gets injured. After we spar, I'm so much happier. I feel more balanced. I feel at ease. The endorphins are great. The release of tension is a godsend. Anyone else spar as a form of therapy?

My karate sucks! But it will improve. I'm just starting to learn, but I know nothing.

I learn in the basement, in a horse pasture, a parking lot, a city park... the location does not matter. The instructor and being true to the heart of the martial way does.

Sensei has me meditate every day. It is a part of my daily practice regimen. It, for me, has a steep learning curve. He wants me to completely clear my mind, dismiss any thoughts that float by, and simply meditate on my breathing without AFFECTING my breathing. Much much harder than it sounds, as it turns out. Heh. Yesterday it actually went better than it had before. Yesterday I acknowledged and was aware of everything, but not focused on anything but my breathing. The awareness remained, and somehow (I was waiting in a Chinese food place for my take-out) I just KNEW when my order was ready. I opened my eyes and turned my head a split second before the fellow behind the counter asked me if I needed napkins. Heh. Since part of the goal of the dynamic stillness that is meditation is to learn how to achieve mushin, knowing that something is about to happen before it starts to happen was, in my mind, a good sign. Maybe turning my head and opening my eyes before the man spoke was too. I'm not going to claim to have achieved mushin yet, though. Sensei has me doing it to begin to move towards mushin, and to develop a stronger, calmer, more stable core. Meditation and exercises in mindfulness are both being trained into me to help me get a better handle on my PTSD, as well as make me a better martial artist.

Next time I practice my kata, I will have to pay attention to when my head turns. Sensei has taught me to ALWAYS keep my eyes on my opponent. To not look, when defending or attacking, is to invite disaster. Looking away from one's opponent while turning can lead to an attack you are unprepared for. Looking away from one's opponent while sparring can lead to unintentionally badly injuring one's opponent. Sensei told me about an incident in the dojo he trained at where one student back-kicked another without looking... and ruptured his pancreas! Now, the interesting thought, to me, about a kata- Pinan 1 is what I am currently learning, and I believe the fight that is simulated in this kata is one involving multiple opponents. So let's say I do a lower block and then a normal middle punch. Presumably, I have knocked that opponent out of the fight, or kept him at bay for the time being, because I then turn to block and then hammerfist a new opponent who is behind me. In that case, it would make sense for me to turn my head BEFORE turning to block and strike, as I will want to see what I am getting myself into. So, what you are saying, if I am understanding it correctly, makes sense in the context of the kata I am performing. I will discuss it with Sensei this evening... He DOES act out the opponent in the kata for me from time to time, so I understand what it is that I am doing and why, instead of just dancing out a series of moves. So, if I am to always keep my eyes on my opponents, and I am facing a series of opponents, it makes sense to turn my head and face my opponent before I turn my body. If I am going to spin into a back kick with a single opponent, however, I will keep my eyes on him and then at the apex of the turn I will whip my head around so that I am able to keep my eyes on him as much as possible. Does that make sense?

Thank you. I am not alone in that- many women and yes, men have suffered through something similar. What it did, though, was teach me how precious innocence is, and how we who have power have the responsibility to defend and protect that innocence in whatever way we can! OSU!

Thank you so much sensei8! I wish you lived closer, I would love to meet you. I think that we would get along! OSU!

Sensei took his son and I to Muir Woods the day before yesterday. http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/greenerycascade.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/fernriver.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/vinetree5.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/trees3.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/brilliantgreen.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/river6.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/river13.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/Greenery.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/Greenery2.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/greenery6.jpg http://www.niceboots.org/~evergrey/MuirWoods/fernandhole.jpg

I was seven years old when it happened to me, and I didn't have that option. Now? Yes, I would use lethal force. In a heartbeat. If I killed my assailant, I would have to live with that for the rest of my life, but I would willingly pay that price, to protect myself, and to protect all the other innocents he would otherwise prey upon after me. If I couldn't kill him, I would do my best to mark him, mark him as permanently as possible. And render him as incapable of rape as possible. I have been told by a number of people "oh, violence is never the answer and it's never the right decision to kill someone!" They can believe that if they must... none of these people, upon further questioning, had ever been raped.

Thank you both for your replies. It was kind of funny actually, when I told this instructor my style he kind of got this "oh.. whoa" look on his face, and then he glanced down and saw the bruises on my arms. He said "oh... yeah we're not so hard on our beginners here. Kyokushin is a very very hard art, right from the beginning." He used to live in Brazil, where it's a lot bigger than it is here, and he saw it in Japan too. So he didn't tell me that it was a waste of time or any such thing. I think he might have tried subtly to convince me that his style would be easier for me. But why would I want that?

Oh and if you happen to have a digital camera with a record function, you can set it up to record you doing your katas a few times and then watch them. Might help you really see how you are doing them.

Eh, I work out at the park. Sometimes people come along. Occasionally they watch. Usually they are busy doing their own thing. I'm sure not showing off, and after I do the same kata 6 times in a row with no signs of changing anything, anyone watching gets bored and goes back to whatever else they were doing. I am not there to impress anyone, I'm not there to entertain anyone, not there to draw attention to myself or put myself out there. There is no room in my home and so I use what I can. I get self-conscious, as I am very very new and still working on getting the most basic things right. But I have to set my ego aside because I have to train. A lot of people go to the local park to practice something, like soccer, or basketball, or whatever else. I'm just another people using the big flat space. Plus, it gives me experience moving on less than perfect surfaces. :} My advice is to not bother with what other people are thinking. Be aware of their existence, but focus on your discipline. You are there to train, not impress or entertain or be something for people to watch. People will quickly lose interest when they discover that it is a routine often repeated anyway.

I played scrabble with his son, played Unreal Tournament with his son, and then drew pictures with his son, all while Sensei was passed out, taking an undisturbed nap. Would that count?

Sure, I do. I don't always give a lot of details... mostly I talk to non MA friends about how it has been improving my life, physically and mentally. Sometimes it sparks the interest of someone who used to be into martial arts but had to stop for one reason or another. I'm kind of hoping to gather up enough of these "strays" to start a little group eventually, a group of people interested in the martial arts who want to explore a bit, maybe work out and train together, maybe demonstrate their specific arts so others can learn a thing or two. I don't brag about being awesome. I'm not awesome at it anyway, hah!

Where I grew up, I was the wrong color. I didn't really understand that at first. I just was who and what I was. But my skin was wrong. My hair was wrong. My eyes were wrong. That's what the other kids believed. I was beaten, spat on, called names... my arm was broken, I had bricks thrown at my head (got hit a couple of times) and once I was shot at. Worse things happened too. By the time I was in my mid-teens, I had learned to project the illusion of being a predator. I learned to carry myself in such a way that I "felt" like a dangerous person to many people around me. I wish I could remember just how I did this. I just constantly worked to project "I will hunt you down and tear you to pieces." It was a pretty good bluff- the local skinhead gang in the town I moved to around that age would back down and melt away if I showed up. They were all bigger than me and most of them outweighed me by a good 80 pounds... I was lithe and skinny then. I didn't threaten, I didn't bluster, really. I just moved with intent and did my best to seem dangerous in that cold, quiet, calculating way that a wolf or a tiger is. I think I only ever got in one fight, and it doesn't really even count as one. But the town that I moved from, El Centro, was a very very hard town, and the town I moved to, Santa Barbara, was a very soft one. The bullies in SB really didn't have much of anything on a lot of the people living in El Centro back when I was there. If I had ever really gotten in a serious fight, I don't think I would have fared terribly well. I had the heart and I had the drive to survive, so that would have worked in my favor, but I had no muscle and no skills. I didn't really have a clue as to HOW to defend myself or take someone down. Thankfully people tended to fall for the bluff. It was convincing enough that they didn't want to try their luck. I saved a couple of kids from getting curb stomped. Unfortunately there was also backlash once I did move out of town. Maybe those boys felt humiliated by their inability to face a tiny little girl. Maybe they'd just gotten bolder. But the next girl who came along dressed the way I usually had dressed DID get curb stomped, and her jaw was shattered. She had to have it wired shut for 6 months. So I didn't really fight anyone. In that way, I avoided confrontation, which is the best way to not get hurt in a fight. Just don't fight, if you can help it. I didn't really smear it in their faces either. I gave my enemies a chance to save face. But still, they were resentful. I guess I can't take responsibility for the evil things other people do though. A bully is going to be a bully. And they aren't going to change just because you want them to. And you cannot protect everyone all the time. Gods know I tried. I guess what I came away from all that with was a sense that innocence is precious and should be protected. I lost my innocence very young. Maybe if I had been able to stick with martial arts when I was a young kid, I would have been a little better equipped to deal with things. Mentally for sure, maybe physically too. The unfortunate thing about being a child is that bullying is expected and seen as normal. Often, adults don't want to think about the fact that there might be horrible things happening to children whose safety they are responsible for. So they will pretend it isn't real, or isn't a big deal. They will be dismissive and say "boys will be boys" or "it's just kids and the way things are." Behavior that would lead to lawsuits and maybe jail time if adults exhibited it is often ignored with nothing more than a warning. Torture, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, all of these things happen in schools. Sometimes in church youth groups, or scout troops, or other places that people don't want to believe are capable of allowing such things. My advice to adults is to listen carefully to children and take them seriously. Yeah, losing a pokemon card is not the end of the world, and a kid can feel like it is. But sometimes it isn't something like that at all. Sometimes it's something much darker. Something that could scar them for life. So don't dismiss. Investigate. Listen. Understand that their feelings are valid. Do whatever is in your power to protect them. Advice for kids? That, I need to figure out. Other than please tell someone, and if they dismiss you, try someone else, and someone else, until you find an adult who is willing to listen. It is easy to fall into the trap of believing that no adults can trusted and no one can keep you safe. I know I did. But it doesn't have to be that way. If you can escape, do it. If you are attending a school (public or private, I don't mean martial arts school) and they do not protect their students, then if there is an alternative school that does better, see if there's any way to get yourself transferred. I transferred schools when I was seven years old after some very very bad things happened. It is scary and it is hard but worth a try. And learn to carry yourself as though you are fearless. As though you are the hunter, not the hunted. Carry in your mind the thought that you are a predator. Do not prey on others, but let yourself project the ability to. Be calm and quiet and move with deadly grace. Many bullies are cowards and looking for people who feel like victims. Let yourself feel like a predator instead. The bullies will be more likely to leave you alone. People who need protection will be more likely to come to you, and maybe you can help them out.

Hey there! Have you ever visited a school other than your own and had the head instructor try to snipe you? Say you visit because a friend takes classes there, and the head instructor notices you in the "watching" section and introduces yourself. You introduce yourself back, telling him or her what your discipline is and who you are training under. After the class, say the instructor tries to talk you into coming to their school and training with them instead. How do you respond? I responded with "Thank you, I'm honored by the offer, and I can tell that you run a good school here. I know that there are holes in every discipline, and perhaps someday I will come and fill in some holes by learning with you. For now, however, I need to focus on learning my core discipline and training with my sensei." The instructor I was speaking with immediately backed off, and the conversation ended well. He told me that, as I was a friend to the person attending classes there, his school was a friend of mine and that I was welcome there any time. I liked the instructor, and enjoyed my visit to his school. My questions are this: Did I respond well? Is there something else I should have said? Is it common when someone visits a commercial school to have that school try to convince them to leave their own school and come train with them instead? Has this happened to you? Thanks, and OSU!

Yay, another Kyokushin person, hi!