What was the point of it all? Losing my mind

[JazzKicker]

Interesting topic, and thanks for clarifying your background and your situation. I could relate to aspects of problem areas you described as things I've had to work through, too. But I don't think what you're describing is really a mental health problem, unless it's interfering with your daily life and happiness. It sounds more like a struggle to figure out where you can fit in with like-minded people.

Now the critical part. You describe training in various arts with several breaks, but it doesn't sound like you ever got a black belt or significant level of experience in any one thing.

But you talk about doing research and deciding how it ought to be in karate. So putting that together, if you're meeting instructors, visiting schools, and have that kind of attitude, they're going to see right through you and tell you to go someplace else (like MMA).

I would say, like others have, keep training with the group you have and count yourself lucky.

From my own experience, after I reached a higher dan rank, I went into Hapkido, then JKD and MMA. Eventually the JKD/MMA group fell away, and I tried to connect with a new school. Pretty much any school that was traditional or gave out belts was suspicious of me and turned me away. Eventually I too, thought I'd reached the end of the line in martial arts. Then I reconnected with one of my old Hapkido instructors, who welcomed me, and now I'm a 4th dan Master. Do I agree with all the training, or the content? No. Do I know things I never get to do there? Sure. But I'm happy to be there.