What was the point of it all? Losing my mind

[JazzKicker]

Interesting topic, and thanks for clarifying your background and your situation. I could relate to aspects of problem areas you described as things I've had to work through, too. But I don't think what you're describing is really a mental health problem, unless it's interfering with your daily life and happiness. It sounds more like a struggle to figure out where you can fit in with like-minded people.

Now the critical part. You describe training in various arts with several breaks, but it doesn't sound like you ever got a black belt or significant level of experience in any one thing.

But you talk about doing research and deciding how it ought to be in karate. So putting that together, if you're meeting instructors, visiting schools, and have that kind of attitude, they're going to see right through you and tell you to go someplace else (like MMA).

I would say, like others have, keep training with the group you have and count yourself lucky.

From my own experience, after I reached a higher dan rank, I went into Hapkido, then JKD and MMA. Eventually the JKD/MMA group fell away, and I tried to connect with a new school. Pretty much any school that was traditional or gave out belts was suspicious of me and turned me away. Eventually I too, thought I'd reached the end of the line in martial arts. Then I reconnected with one of my old Hapkido instructors, who welcomed me, and now I'm a 4th dan Master. Do I agree with all the training, or the content? No. Do I know things I never get to do there? Sure. But I'm happy to be there.

[Revario]

Hello and thank you all again for your contributions.

 

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One other question:  in the dojo you train at, do you have the rank or certification that allows you to teach, and if so, do you take that opportunity

No I do not. And I think that may be a part of the issue. Rank gives an idea as per one knowledge of THAT system in particular not of efficiency, understanding of Martial Arts concepts and continuum. 

 

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But I don't think what you're describing is really a mental health problem, unless it's interfering with your daily life and happiness. It sounds more like a struggle to figure out where you can fit in with like-minded people.

Not to go in specific details of my life but my psychologist seems to think that since it is a something that I have been struggling with for more then a year and not resolved it is a cause and aspect of my depression I cannot disregard. Or perhaps because I am obsessing over it, don't have interest in people or friends that do not relate which isolates me furthermore. Sorry if it caused confusion as to me the anguish of continuing to bang my head against a figurative wall is very real to me. I am finally trying to seek solutions by asking directly. I feel I have asked similar questions in other format on this forum. And the answers seem to always be relatively similar.

Which makes me think that I am most likely wrong for doing what I do. Everyone's answer seems to be to put up or shut up. Learn the system regardless (like we all had to) and THEN you can do as you please. My question/dilemma is why wait? Tradition has to have reason. We don't repeat what was done in the past just to repeat it mindlessly. Many seems to be of that opinion (not just in regards to Martial Arts but many aspects in life) to keep things as they are since it was good for them therefore it shall be good for everyone...

 

Seems like I will have to learn to accept that fact plain and simple or move on and not be bothered. Ranks over Skills is what I gather everywhere in regards to this.