Dealing with concerns from others

[Spartacus Maximus]

How should one deal with close friends or family and relatives who are concerned or worried about how much time one spends training and practising martial arts? What does one answer when friends and especially family worry that training every day might be dangerous or take away from important everyday life activities?

[hammer]

Ask the close friends or family why they feel that way...and try to take an objective look at one's training to make sure that you aren't doing too much. Sometimes friends and family can see more easily when you are over training...

[sensei8]

I'm sure they mean well!! HOWEVER, it's YOUR journey, and it's not theirs. They don't have a minimum of an idea about what it takes to become effective in the MA.

Thank them! That's the least you can do. You might not be able to explain anything MA related to them; they see with their eyes FROM OUTSIDE of the MA circle. They can't see with your eyes FROM INSIDE of the MA circle.

It's your MA journey!! Not theirs!! They can only see what they see and know what they know; it's not their fault. Imagine me, going up to their job and asking them the same question, or voicing my concerns with the same validity that they display. They'd try to explain it to me, and so on and so forth, but in the end, I still might express my dismay as to the who, what, where, when, why, and how of the whole thing.

No one has the right to dissuade your path because it's YOUR PATH, and not theirs!!

In short, rant aside...I'd thank them politely! If that's not sufficient enough for them, then I'd politely tell them...

Mind your own business, when it comes to my MA journey!!

My wife knows better than to express those types of concerns with me because her concerns, while she means well, when it comes to my MA journey are unfounded, unwarranted, and unwelcomed. This also goes with relatives, friends, my pastor, my mailman, my neighbor, my grocer, my landscaper, my cat, my dog, my landlord...whomever else.

I've known the MA way much longer than any of them. Train less! Practice less! That's against all that I am; now and forever. Asking me to be less effective...I don't think so!! Might as well tear my heart out and kick it down the street. I can no longer train and practice less than I can breathe less. Like the air I breathe, the MA sustains me!!

Accept me for who I am, including the manner of which I choose to train and practice the MA. If not, then as cruel as this might seem, I'll go my way and they can go their way. Either way, I'll practice and train the MA as I see fit.

If nothing else, whenever they voice their concerns, change the subject as subtle as you can... "Isn't the weather breathtaking today?!?"

[Bulltahr]

As our lives progress we can find ourselves with more responsibilities and less time "for ourselves".

2 things spring to mind. "Prioritize" and "communication"

I have never been good at either and it has cost me , more than once, in my personal life.

For yourself, work out or prioritize where everything fits into your life.

Communicate this to the important people in your life.

I am one that does everything 110% so with MA I find it very hard to "throttle back" because of what other people want. If yo are passionate (which it sounds like you are) then you will have to decide if you want to comprimise........

[sensei8]

As our lives progress we can find ourselves with more responsibilities and less time "for ourselves".

2 things spring to mind. "Prioritize" and "communication"

I have never been good at either and it has cost me , more than once, in my personal life.

For yourself, work out or prioritize where everything fits into your life.

Communicate this to the important people in your life.

I am one that does everything 110% so with MA I find it very hard to "throttle back" because of what other people want. If yo are passionate (which it sounds like you are) then you will have to decide if you want to comprimise........

Solid post!!

[RW]

How should one deal with close friends or family and relatives who are concerned or worried about how much time one spends training and practising martial arts? What does one answer when friends and especially family worry that training every day might be dangerous or take away from important everyday life activities?

Interesting question.

Would they have the same concern about you spending as much time as you do in martial arts doing something else, such as playing basketball or any other sport (running, etc), or watching TV?

If yes, maybe they have a point, but if no... I'd just not pay attention. I mean, I've seen people who watch TV 3 hours a day, maybe 4. Or people who are preparing to run a marathon and it takes hours of their day daily, and nobody bats an eye on that.

However, if you're starting to neglect work, your family or friends, etc (which would only happen if you're doing this for many hours a day, I feel), then maybe they're on to something. It's like any other activity really

[JR 137]

As with anything in life, there must be a balance. Too much of anything, no matter how great of a thing it is, isn't good.

We all have roles and obligations; husband, father, son, employee, and on and on. We're fortunate to have loved ones point out when there's an imbalance. Sometimes it is an imbalance, and sometimes the ones pointing out the imbalance don't have realistic expectations of the balance of the many roles we fill.

When there's an imbalance, one role suffers at the expense of another or several other roles. Sometimes it's too much of being a parent at the expense of being a spouse. Sometimes it's being too much of an employee at the expense of being a spouse and parent. Sometimes it needs to be done, however. Bills need to be paid. Mouths need to be fed. We all need our time to ourselves, away from it all too.

A big part of being an adult is figuring out this balance, sticking to it, and only upsetting it when absolutely necessary. Easier said than done. I know too many people who've buried themselves at work, on the golf course, in the bar, etc. The dojo may seem like the best alternative, but it shouldn't come at the expense of what's most important.

I'm not saying you're spending too much time training. I'm not saying you're not either. I don't know you nor your situation to make any type of judgement. And even if I did, it's not my business unless it directly effects my family.

Sometimes our loved ones see what we don't. Sometimes they're too selfish and want everything their way. Sometimes we do too.

Edited November 11, 2015 by JR 137

[Spartacus Maximus]

Some people are probably easier to talk to and rationalize with than others. Those who are most likely to be worried or concerned are usually very close such as parents or spouses.

It can be very difficult to explain things precisely because these people are so dear and certainly have a very different idea of what is too much. To them, training for an hour or more each day might be too much. Like the public at large they probably think of martial arts as a hobby or leisure activity.

[bushido_man96]

I think it all comes down to priorities. If you don't have family to tend to, and have the ability to schedule training around work, then by all means, have at it. But if there are other priorities that should take precedent, and those start to get ignored, then I think it becomes an issue.

[Spartacus Maximus]

Priorities are certainly the key, but sometimes people are genuinely worried about training. Parents are a special case and they are probably more difficult to deal with than others.

A child is always a child in their eyes and just thinking that they might somehow get hurt while training or because of it stirs up worries. Even long after the child has turned into an adult and left home to live their own lives.

There is not much else to do except reassure them and change the subject but after a while one is at a loss for words to do that. Especially if they ask about it often. Unfortunately they cannot be blown off casually like workmates or others who are not so close.