Parents at kids gradings

[Nidan Melbourne]

We allow parents to sit up the back during gradings and classes. But we throw them out if they are saying anything negative or cause a distraction. Our junior gradings students are allowed to watch if they aren't grading and have to be respectful.

But our Adult gradings that are run during class so students can still train whilst those grading get assessed.

In your case i would have asked the parent to leave because what they're doing is causing a massive distraction for the child and doing a lot of harm to that child's mental health.

I think some parents just don't get how stressful a grade can be, even as an adult the nerves creep in. I'm grading for 3rd Kyu June/July and already the nerves are there I think if my instructor had heard them, then he would've ask them to leave. I maybe could have told them to ease up, but was wary of causing a scene. Is it wise/my place to tell someone off about their own kid in someone else's Dojo?

M.

I agree they don't realise that it is stressful for their children.

My instructor has thrown parents out because of the negativity they were bringing in.

The way we've done it in the past during gradings since we have plenty of instructors there anyway, our sensei will walk over to the parent and take them outside for a chat and they have to have an extremely good reason for their behaviour.

Since many parents don't know what is correct and what isn't we take this seriously. As the child might be doing it perfectly correct and the parent is talking like they're wrong.

Very few parents at my school are active in learning what their kids are actually doing, so they are the ones that actually ask questions to help their child.

I've visited many dojos over the last few years and the instructors have been tough on parents and family or friends misbehaving.

Even our own students can't be caught bullying.

[Archimoto]

This is an interesting thread.

I've personally witnessed the evilness of soccer moms, hockey dads, and baseball parents, but never anything worth mentioning with martial arts parents.

Quite to the contrary, I taught a kids class for many years, and my kids now train, and I typically found parents to be on the same page. Occasionally, I had to have a chat with a parent, but all in all I found that most parents got it.

Hmmm...wondering if I was just that lucky!?

[Patrick]

I think Danielle's advice is great.

As an aside, I just wanted to point out a separate aspect of this question, which is that many parents will feel uncomfortable not being able to see their child - especially a younger child. Many parents (and rightfully so, better to be too careful than not careful enough) will simply not allow you to take their child "behind closed doors." My parents were always careful about that.

You didn't indicate any ages here and the older the child is, the less this becomes an issue. But if we're talking about elementary school age kids, it's especially true.

Good luck!

Patrick

[mazzybear]

I think Danielle's advice is great.

As an aside, I just wanted to point out a separate aspect of this question, which is that many parents will feel uncomfortable not being able to see their child - especially a younger child. Many parents (and rightfully so, better to be too careful than not careful enough) will simply not allow you to take their child "behind closed doors." My parents were always careful about that.

You didn't indicate any ages here and the older the child is, the less this becomes an issue. But if we're talking about elementary school age kids, it's especially true.

Good luck!

Patrick

An excellent point, Patrick. And tbh not one I had considered. Parents can't be too careful these days.

M.

[DWx]

This is an interesting thread.

I've personally witnessed the evilness of soccer moms, hockey dads, and baseball parents, but never anything worth mentioning with martial arts parents.

Quite to the contrary, I taught a kids class for many years, and my kids now train, and I typically found parents to be on the same page. Occasionally, I had to have a chat with a parent, but all in all I found that most parents got it.

Hmmm...wondering if I was just that lucky!?

You're lucky!!! It's never bad students that ruin my day but bad parents! Had my worse nightmare last week when umpiring a local tournament; got designated to the 5 - 9 yr old ring. Could've cried. Line of about 30 parents along the edge of the competition mat watching like a bunch of vultures with beady eyes waiting for you to screw up so they can swoop in and tell you they know better. Had to really put my foot down on at least 5 occasions because they weren't happy with how the draws had played out or the fact that their child deserves higher marks for his kata because he normally does it better than that in class. And don't even get me started on sparring - which btw for kids this age is no contact point stop - parents practically ripping their vocal cords to shreds screaming at their kid to punch the other one in the face! /rant

Edited May 9, 2014 by DWx

[DWx]

I think Danielle's advice is great.

As an aside, I just wanted to point out a separate aspect of this question, which is that many parents will feel uncomfortable not being able to see their child - especially a younger child. Many parents (and rightfully so, better to be too careful than not careful enough) will simply not allow you to take their child "behind closed doors." My parents were always careful about that.

You didn't indicate any ages here and the older the child is, the less this becomes an issue. But if we're talking about elementary school age kids, it's especially true.

Good luck!

Patrick

That is a valid point. I would say however that don't these parents leave their kids at school, in playgroups, childcare situations where they don't stay to watch? As long as the relevant qualifications and background checks have been carried out on the adults involved and have been OK'd, the parent should accept that the school has chosen to do closed testing or make the decision to prolong testing until they feel the child is old enough to be alone with other adults.

Part of the Clubmark recognition I mentioned earlier meant for us that all instructors and assistants have regular background checks, are never alone in a 1 adult to 1 child setting and that they adhere to our child and vulnerable persons protection policy. So strictly no touching (unless for first aid) etc.

[Patrick]

Hey Danielle,

It's all about choice. A school can choose to have closed testings, but a parent does not need to accept it or delay testing. They can go elsewhere if they are made to feel uncomfortable.

Just because parents may leave their children alone with other people does not mean that they wish to do so with you or with as many people as possible. For example, they may trust others more or they may be legally required to leave their children in some settings (like a classroom). They may have to leave them with a babysitter or at a daycare because they have to work. Have to. Not necessarily want to. And just because they might want their child to have a healthy extra-curricular hobby also doesn't mean they are looking for a babysitter.

I think background checks are good, but I suspect that most martial arts schools do not perform background checks on every single person who may have access to their child - from employees to volunteers to a contractor working in the next room. Yours might, but I suspect most do not. And, at some point, everyone had a clean background check.

If I were a school owner, I would think long and hard about just how necessary it is to keep a parent from seeing their child. It's not a decision that should be made lightly or made because you feel like it would make your job a little bit easier.

Patrick

[DWx]

Hey Danielle,

It's all about choice. A school can choose to have closed testings, but a parent does not need to accept it or delay testing. They can go elsewhere if they are made to feel uncomfortable.

Well yes of course that is the 3rd option alongside those that I proposed.

Just because parents may leave their children alone with other people does not mean that they wish to do so with you or with as many people as possible. For example, they may trust others more or they may be legally required to leave their children in some settings (like a classroom). They may have to leave them with a babysitter or at a daycare because they have to work. Have to. Not necessarily want to. And just because they might want their child to have a healthy extra-curricular hobby also doesn't mean they are looking for a babysitter.

I think background checks are good, but I suspect that most martial arts schools do not perform background checks on every single person who may have access to their child - from employees to volunteers to a contractor working in the next room. Yours might, but I suspect most do not. And, at some point, everyone had a clean background check.

Good points nevertheless Martial Arts are a pastime that someone (or someone's parents) make the choice to do. The dojo choice is totally open too. Choice being the key factor here. If you choose to send your child to a martial arts school or indeed any other hobby, you choose to accept that the school may have certain rules in place that you have to adhere to. If you are made to feel uncomfortable you are perfectly free to choose a different school that does not have such rules. No one is forcing you to put yourself or your child in that situation if you do not want to. Likewise you should not force a school to bend the rules for one if you don't like them. Like I said above, you have choice if the school has closed testing: a) accept closed testing, b) delay testing until the child I older or c) choose a school that does open testing.

You are right in that no parent should be made to feel uncomfortable but they also have the right to choose their own school and the situation they put themselves in.

If I were a school owner, I would think long and hard about just how necessary it is to keep a parent from seeing their child. It's not a decision that should be made lightly or made because you feel like it would make your job a little bit easier.

FWIW we choose to do our's closed not because it makes our job easier. There are many reasons. To us its a truer test of the child; no parent to prompt and reassure or conversely criticise. It also preserves the candidates privacy and the proper testing environment for them free from distraction. Privacy is important in case they fail or something doesn't go to plan. The examiner then has the opportunity to debrief student and parents privately without 50 pairs of eyes gawking.

Parents and spectators can also be very distracting, even unintentionally. Preserving a proper testing generally results in a better performance from student and better focus from examiner.

In any case, we also don't allow parents or spectators to sit in on classes.

[Archimoto]

This is a tough one but I have to agree with a number of points that Patrick made. Further, as a parent I like to observe my child's progress, areas of weakness, whether they enjoy the classes, and the quality of instruction.

We have a glass wall between the floor and the sitting area. This helps tremendously. The parents can watch but not interfere in anyway whatsoever.

[sensei8]

Hey Danielle,

It's all about choice. A school can choose to have closed testings, but a parent does not need to accept it or delay testing. They can go elsewhere if they are made to feel uncomfortable.

Just because parents may leave their children alone with other people does not mean that they wish to do so with you or with as many people as possible. For example, they may trust others more or they may be legally required to leave their children in some settings (like a classroom). They may have to leave them with a babysitter or at a daycare because they have to work. Have to. Not necessarily want to. And just because they might want their child to have a healthy extra-curricular hobby also doesn't mean they are looking for a babysitter.

I think background checks are good, but I suspect that most martial arts schools do not perform background checks on every single person who may have access to their child - from employees to volunteers to a contractor working in the next room. Yours might, but I suspect most do not. And, at some point, everyone had a clean background check.

If I were a school owner, I would think long and hard about just how necessary it is to keep a parent from seeing their child. It's not a decision that should be made lightly or made because you feel like it would make your job a little bit easier.

Patrick

Excellent points!!

There's no way that I'd ever challenge a parents authority over their children in any shape, way, and/or form. In that, I'd never pretend to assume a position or authority that I don't possess!!

I don't want parents to leave their kid(s) with me, and that's because I'm not a babysitter!! I know that's not the point you're making. In that, we've an air conditioned elevated viewing room where they can WATCH their kid(s) in comfort. In addition, the Hombu also has closed circuit TV's for parents to monitor their kid(s).

One of the reasons to ask parents to watch from the viewing room is because a lot of students have performance anxieties, and it increases even more when parent(s) are in the same room as the testing cycle.

Now, if a parent(s) insist, I've no problem because of the reasons that you've pointed out. We've got a big viewing area right inside the testing area because when there's no testing cycle in progress, that area is the main dojo floor where regular classes are held. If a kid wants there parent with them during testing, the parent(s) are more than welcome!! I'd never refuse that from any child.

I'll give a parent one warning if they start to disturb the testing cycle, after that one warning, I'll insist that the parent(s) watch from aforementioned viewing room, and if the parent(s) won't, well, I'll stop the testing cycle for said student and insist that they return at a more appropriate time to finish said testing cycle.

We've two BB's that wait just outside the entrance of the testing area for the sole purpose of answering parent(s) normal questions concerning the testing cycle. Those BB's are also there to stop parents from storming in during a testing cycle. If a parent(s) have an issue, one of the BB's will come inside of the testing area, and inform a Senior Dan, and said Senior Dan will come out to speak with parent(s), and if the parent(s) want their kid(s), then the Senior Dan will notify me, and I'll stop the testing cycle immediately and without any questions.

While the students are mine once on the floor, the students are their parent(s) totally and completely. I'd never interfere in that!! I'd not like it myself, and I've 4 kids myself, although there all grown ups now, but I can truly appreciate and understand from that side of the fence.

No instructor and no school of the MA should come between a parent and anyone in the student body!!