Am I being bullied??? Please help.

[Philosophical One]

Thanks so much for all the replies!

I'm feeling much calmer now - I can go back to bottling it all up

It's true I am one of those people who don't react until I've got so much stored up that I just pretty much go mental... it's hard to change the way that I am - and I actually don't want to because it's too painful.

I get all shaky and break out in hives if I have to confront someone and I'm having a really hard time accepting the situation I am in.

I really need a holiday from Karate, I do like working there but people are really demanding of me - as a rule - and I am really worn out, stressed out and now angry too.

Perhaps some of the problem with these people is the fact that they are worn out and stressed too - they've been training their tails off all year and now their Blackbelts are in sight but still there's no guarantee of success...

I liked what Jiffy said "Never feel guilty about taking money" It's true I do feel guilty - I don't know why - is that a common experience?

[bushido_man96]

This is why I'm a fan of contracts and billing companies personally. I don't own a school, but I feel like the contract protects me as a consumer as well. I don't have to, and don't want to, talk to my Sensei or dojo personnel about money, just Karate training. The billing company takes care of those that don't pay with notices and other things. The money comes out of my account regardless of whether I show up for training or not, so it makes me think about it on those days I'm feeling lazy and don't want to go to class. The receiptionist at our school just takes money for things like special events, seminar's, or equipment purchase's, and is the after school program coordinator.

This is why I think contracts are a good thing. The bonus for the instructor is that he doesn't have to be a bill collector, or worry about keeping track of who has paid and who hasn't. And as you mentioned, Rick, when you know the money is coming out, it motivates you to be a regular at class.

[bushido_man96]

Yes i agree here with what everyone has said, with our dojo we actually hand the money to the sensei so he gets paid every time. Don't let them walk all over you, you really need to sit with your partner and talk this through properly before things become un-bearable for you at home and at work (seems it's going that way already).

I agree with you when you say this girl is grading for her black belt and that she doesn't deserve it, no your right if her attitude is like that then yes it's bad for karate. I don't want to over-step the mark here and i apologise if i do after saying this, but i think your boyfriend is being a little unfair to leave you to deal with it all, especially when it's clear that you are having difficulties and getting very upset. It's his dojo and he should take an active part in running it and dealing with a solving problems.

I agree with Kez, here. Your boyfriend should stand up for you. Ask him who runs the place, him, or the students. From my angle, it doesn't look promising. If I were him, and I saw my students acting like this, I would set them down and have a real heart-to-heart with them. Maybe even strip their belt for a week, hand them a white belt, and tell them to earn it back. That's just me, though.

[Philosophical One]

Yeah I don't know what's wrong with my boyfriend - he is so passive and forgiving.

Not of ME though - he hasn't spoken to me all day because I went off at him last night

He always thinks you can work it out with people - and I agree you usually can but I personally don't want to have a relationship with these people anymore- fixing the problems they have caused for me is too hard for me to do. I'm not too strong mentally I guess.

I'm thinking seriously of changing the payment structure - to an electronic system of some sort - but you know it doesn't fix the people - and the core of the issue here.

If I were in his place they would've all been kicked out at least a year ago - one of the girls was caught bullying another student at the end of year grading last year...and one of the mothers stormed into our house and went off at my boyfriend for telling everyone to work harder - she actually was angry because she figured he really meant her daughter even though he said it was everyone... I had my boyfriends kids upstairs playing and we could hear her yelling at him from the backyard.

It's unbelieveable.... I'm exhaused and need a holiday

[bushido_man96]

It sounds to me like there are some issues of control at your boyfriend's dojo. First of all, your boyfriend needs to take control. Second, some of the students need to learn some self-control. I hate to be the one to say this, but if nothing changes, the environment there will continue to get worse, not better.

[Shotokan-kez]

It sounds to me like there are some issues of control at your boyfriend's dojo. First of all, your boyfriend needs to take control. Second, some of the students need to learn some self-control. I hate to be the one to say this, but if nothing changes, the environment there will continue to get worse, not better.

I agree with Brian on this one hun, i know sometimes it can sound harsh. I feel for you completely because i am much the same as you in the fact that i bottle things up until they explode, and there has been lots of times when people have taken advantage of my good nature and walked all over me. It seems that this is what is happening to you, i can see it as im reading your posts and i'm getting angry for you

Yes a holiday may be a good option, maybe on your own without the kids and your boyfriend just so you can let off steam and think about your options.

Your boyfriend's tendencies to always see the nice sides of people and never the bad is good in one sense, but on the other hand it's bad because they are taking advantage of this with their lax and awful attitude and you are getting the brunt of it all and it isn't fair. By the way, do you train in karate as well?

[Philosophical One]

Well I spoke to my boyfriend again tonight and I let him look at all the posts here...

He is right when he says I need to change - it's true I do, I am so not perfect

But I just can't understand why these people are the way they are, but I'm beginning to accept it.

My boyfriend said that I need to divorce myself from their behaviours and just see them as people with problems and not take everything so personally. This is a skill - I am learning and listening to him.

I do understand when he says he can't just pull rank everytime there's a problem with various personalities within the club and kick people out... he's just not into any type of power play. I think this is an important trait in any coach or instructor, but I do find my partner to be way too passive and forgiving at times. It irks me at times. Like I said - If I were him they would've been out long ago.

He says that he's happy to help them work on themselves for as long as it takes - that, he believes, is his role as a coach and mentor... but he also knows he holds all the power cards and he can get rid of them at any time he chooses.

Hmm sometimes I believe that people come into your life to teach you something about yourself. But man, what a painful and difficult lesson this is for me.

[lordtariel]

Wow... so many issues to deal with at once here.

First, look at the problem student's ages. Girls from 10 to mid teens? Having the attitude selector stuck on rude is fairly normal at that time in life. However, I feel there should be zero tolerance for that in the dojo. If you disrespect the people that run the dojo, you disrespect the dojo and that's unacceptable. While kicking them out might be a tad extreme, letting them get away with it is extreme on the other side of the coin.

The whole payment thing is never pleasant and my advice is to be as detailed and accurate as you possibly can. It is much easier to go after people if you have dates and times recorded. I hate to say it, but most people any more feel if they make you as uncomfortable as they possibly can, then they can get away with anything. We live in an era of expected "customer servitude" not customer service. Unfortunately some people can be just plain rude when it comes to paying.

I agree with everyone else that if you're really having problems with being there, you shouldn't do it. If your boyfriend doesn't like that, he needs to come to a compromise with you or just live with it, not just say "you deal with disciplining students." No offense to your boyfriend but that's a sensei's job.

While you may have room for improvement, you're in a relationship both professional and personal, and that requires you to both work together, so he may need to change as well. It sounds like he's bending over backwards for his students but expects you to just suck it up. Make sure you stand up for yourself as well.

I Hope things get better for you.

[Philosophical One]

Well it's out of my hands now...

My boyfriend got up this morning and had a meeting with the Dan grades about my experiences...

I feel a bit embarrassed because I was sort of "getting over it" and had gotten to the point where I was ready to let it drop.

Pretty much they all agree that I should've demanded respect and not let things go this far...

All the higher grades have worked with the girls and say they are improving and should just be cautioned and not expelled.

But my partner is going to offer them their grading fees back and threaten them with expulsion tomorrow morning.

He says he is sick of it and doesn't want his home life disrupted any further.

I'm glad in one way - I'm happy that my partner believes me but all this confrontation is making me physically ill.

And I don't think it's going to improve things at all - they might improve to my face... but I'll bet the backstabbing is going to get out of control now.

[New Beginner]

I agree with Lordtariel, many different issues here.

Even if you're being paid by your boyfriend's dojo, you do not have to accept rudeness and you do not have to rise to it either. A grading card/license book being tossed accross the table to me on a regular basis if I were a receptionist would prompt me to start gently pushing it back accross the table without even acknowledging the person, and gently ignore and not process anything to do with that person until they were able to act in a civilised manner, usually this approach does prompt a change in behaviour. Snatching normally inspires me to hold onto whatever they are attempting to snatch whilst cocking my ear in their direction waiting for a 'please and thank you' in an extremely patronising manner . This has nothing to do with martial arts or dojos and everything to do with common courtesy, which as Sosai Mas Oyama said, is what Karate begins and ends with. All very easy to say when you are used to it I know, it takes courage to stand up to people for the first time, and there's a difference between being assertive in that way and losing your temper, the butterflies will come, the voice will quiver, but you'll know that you're doing the right thing.

It's unfortunate that your boyfriend only seems to take the issue seriously because it's disrupting his home life, not on a point of principle or concern for your feelings and happiness. You're doing a good job for him and he needs to appreciate you and take you seriously, if you refuse to deal with abusive and disrespectful people (yes that includes NOT taking their money) then when he wonders why they haven't paid he may take the issue more seriously. If he sacks you as a result of you refusing to be a doormat to stroppy teenage girls and their parents, then you're better off out of it, but I doubt that he will.