Am I being bullied??? Please help.

[Philosophical One]

I am really upset...

My partner runs a karate dojo and simply because I wanted to spend time with him I agreed to work as a receptionist..

Now I have worked for him for at least 2 years and the current problem - I hope I am blowing out of proportion because I'm thinking I'm being bullied - I hope to God I'm wrong.

There are a group of graders going through now 4 girls aged 10-14 (I think) and their parents who are at every training session and help out at tournaments etc...

One girl in particular has always been really rude to me - tossing her training card at me and snatching it back rudely everytime... I never said anything because I didn't know what to say. I spoke to my partner who told me to pull her up each time - but I never did.

Now all the girls seem rude - not as bad as the main girl, but rude and standoffish.

I did pull all 3 of the main offenders up for not signing on- they didn't bother to pay on Thursdays because I leave early to take care of my stepchildren on that day... they listened for one week.

Long story short, they have all tried not to pay at various times and it makes me extremely uncomfortable... esp when it's the parents that do it - one mother had to pay a large amount - I can't remember what it was for now - she stood there while I wrote out the reciepts - took them and walked off WITHOUT PAYING - I was sooo shocked I told my boyfriend and she said that she DID pay - and I started to doubt myself a little, then my partner spoke to her and her husband and said "If you think you should be getting more for the work (husband) did then that's fine but you need to clear it with me first ok?" (The husband did electrical work for my partner- was repaid with lessons etc.)

A few days later (wife) came in and paid the money saying that she made a mistake - but no apology... It was unbelievable - I think I even apologised TO HER because I was so embarrassed.

Anyway I got in a tussle with the other girls' mum tonight - she said I shortchanged her - then she changed tack and said "Why is tonight so expensive?" Then I got irrate and made her pay for Monday's training when her daughters didn't sign on at all. (BTW the girls were watching, listening and they were smirking and loving it)

It's a complicated situation and I'm really uncomfortable and unhappy - I am so stuck in the middle - I want my partner to kick them all out - but he won't because he is really fair minded and diplomatic.

Thanks for reading, I am interested to know if I am being bullied or not??

[bushido_man96]

It sounds to me like you need to put your foot down, with both the problem people, and your partner. If he won't listen, then leave. Let him deal with them. You can only get walked on so much.

Welcome to the forums!

[MisterRadley]

It sounds to me like you need to put your foot down, with both the problem people, and your partner. If he won't listen, then leave. Let him deal with them. You can only get walked on so much.

Welcome to the forums!

I agree with BM. If you can't resolve the issue, just leave the dojo.

Welcome to KF!

[shukokai2000]

Try and bring a friend along to sit with you for a few lessons as a witness, or type up a letter to give out to all students, which will include the parents/guadians etc, to included subjects on etiquette etc, but writing it so not to seem like it's getting to you. As they do sound like bullies.

It all comes down to respect when entering and leaving the Dojo, which includes EVERYONE

[Rick_72]

This is the problem that you run into when you mix business and personal relationships. If your boyfriend has a laxed way of running his school as far as payments go, there's really nothing you can do about it, because that's probably the way he ran things before you got there. If he wants you to change it to be more efficient, he may want to sit down with the parents, or people who are actually shelling out the money for training and let them know there will be some changes. As far as someone throwing their training card at you, well I'd just throw in the shredder and say "goodbye, you can come back to training when you get a new attitude". Of course you'd want to run that by your boyfriend first . We don't have training cards in our possession. The cards are in a binder, and the school coordinator scans them as we walk through the door showing up for class. Their just to track attendance.

This is why I'm a fan of contracts and billing companies personally. I don't own a school, but I feel like the contract protects me as a consumer as well. I don't have to, and don't want to, talk to my Sensei or dojo personnel about money, just Karate training. The billing company takes care of those that don't pay with notices and other things. The money comes out of my account regardless of whether I show up for training or not, so it makes me think about it on those days I'm feeling lazy and don't want to go to class. The receiptionist at our school just takes money for things like special events, seminar's, or equipment purchase's, and is the after school program coordinator.

[Philosophical One]

Thanks so much for your responses.

I really love the idea of contracts - then my job would be so much easier.

My partner finished taking the grading tonight and came home to a cross woman!!

We had a fight because I said that I felt like I didn't deserve the poor treatment and that he needed to step in and fix the problem for me.

But he said that I needed to confront them all myself... I said I was going to make that decision and that if he didn't resolve the issue to MY satisfaction then I wouldn't be doing the reception work any longer. Hmm now we are both cross...

The truth is I have really felt - I don't know the word - angry, victimised?? by this particular group ever since I started working for my boyfriend. For example - at tournaments I usually work the door and the parents from this group work in the canteen. The rule is all people working can eat from the canteen for free but when I would break for my lunch they would refuse to serve me.

So now at tournaments my boyfriend has to collect my lunch everytime - I refuse to be insulted.

The worst part for me is the worst girl of the lot is grading to Blackbelt next month - I told my boyfriend that if she passes it will be bad for karate. Anyway, I wouldn't be pleased to see it.

[Adonis]

Automated billing works wonders! lol! It does has it pains also. At least then the student can deal with the billing company instead of harrasing them about late payments. Something to talk with your partner about.

As for the young girls, as said by a previous poster put your foot down. they throw there card at you and walk off. say "HEY! come here! You need not act so rude!" Put won't change unless you change. Don't let people walk all over you. Just don't go over board with how you stand up. Some people bottle things up until they can't take it any more and then explode. Or runaway from the situation. There are times to run, but not all the time. You got to stand up for your self first, If things still don't work out then leave. First stand up for your self.

[P.A.L]

it seems to me your partner runs a commercial dojo which is fine , to protect his business he obviously doesn't want to and can't stand up for you in a direct way. although this is his fault in a sense but i wouldn't blame him. i think you should put him put of this for now and try to resolve the situation yourself. first of all you need to have better book keeping, you wrote that one of the mothers took the receipts and left without paying, well this is your fault ,you should design a system in a way that resolve this kind of incidents. most of the dojos charge a constant fee per month , if i miss a class then too bad for me, it is not the sensei fault. if you have a per class charge system then try to make in flawless, as for the social behavior problem you got there, i do the same, you are not their teacher to teach them that, you just interact with them twice a week, if somebody rude to me verbally i give it back to them twice hard ,no don't need to get physical but at least talk their talk(although i pay twice tip to bad waiters and i let them know why), if they become nice i become twice nice. i would follow a carrot and stick policy.

[Shotokan-kez]

Yes i agree here with what everyone has said, with our dojo we actually hand the money to the sensei so he gets paid every time. Don't let them walk all over you, you really need to sit with your partner and talk this through properly before things become un-bearable for you at home and at work (seems it's going that way already).

I agree with you when you say this girl is grading for her black belt and that she doesn't deserve it, no your right if her attitude is like that then yes it's bad for karate. I don't want to over-step the mark here and i apologise if i do after saying this, but i think your boyfriend is being a little unfair to leave you to deal with it all, especially when it's clear that you are having difficulties and getting very upset. It's his dojo and he should take an active part in running it and dealing with a solving problems.

[Jiffy]

To me, it sounds like your processes are at fault, not you or them.

You need to have a clear, defined and repeatbale process for the payment of funds. That way, there is no confusion. Get your boyfriend to make a ruling that he checks with you before class (or at least before everyone leaves) to ensure they have paid. Another good way of going this is to ask them to pay as they enter the dojo.

Prices need to be defined and consistant. If there is a student that is taking lessons as payment for something, this needs to be made very clear to you. Make sure there is no confusion about what people should be paying, if there is, this is the quickest way to loose respect, and students.

When handling cash, never put their payment in the box before handing them their change. That way, there is no dispute as to what note they gave you because it is still sitting infront of you. A common trick years ago was to go to a shop, give them a $20 and then when you get change, tell them you gave them a $50. The tricker would confuse the person and gain an extra $30 change and an undue appology. Leaving the note in plain view avoids this.

Most of all, if you are taking the money, your boyfriend needs to give you authority. He then needs to speak to ALL the students and let them know they must ensure their payments are up to date. Never feel guilty about taking money, customers don't, they are expecting to pay, but if you don't enforce it, they will not volunteer it.