Someone Likes me in the dojo....HELP!!!

[Shotokan-kez]

Ok i have a dilema at the moment. One of the instructors in my dojo has the hots for me, he is a second dan and a nice guy. I look up to him and do like his company. Here are the problems. 1. I don't date guys, only women. 2. He must be at least 20 years older than me. And the most obvious thing is that i would like to remain friends with him without making it look like i'm using him or leading him on. The thing is he gives me rides home from karate, which i greatly appreciate because the dojo is in a rough area and it's some way from home, also he has invited me out for a drink next week, i would like to say yes but i would be worried if he tried to kiss me, i would then have to tell him my preference and then i could lose him as a friend. In the dojo i can tell how he feels by the way he acts around me and before the lesson starts he often lets out hints that i'm 'pretty' and things.

Has anyone ever experience anything similar, can anyone offer any advice on what to do? I'm at a loss now

Kez x

[alsey]

if a guy asks you out and you say yes, he's gonna think you're interested. i would use the fact that he's asked you out as an opportunity to tell him how you feel. it wouldn't be fair on him to mislead him, and it could make things more awkward between you. just tell him you're not interested in him in that way, but you'd like to remain friends. now every guy hates it when a girl they like tells them they just want to be friends, but its better than giving them the wrong idea.

if after telling him he doesn't want to be friends with you, then he probably doesn't like you for who you really are anyway.

[BLueDevil]

I dont speak for "karate masters" but as a guy, if a girl tells me she likes girls I usually get the picture and dont get mad, that seems to be the concensus with my friends as well

[Sohan]

You like women, too? Cool! We have something in common!

Seriously, you need to be straight with your instructor and tell him how you feel before he goes on any longer thinking he's got a chance. It's like pulling off the band-aid--he may get his ego bruised now, but it's better than letting the situation fester. You also have an added complication in that you have a subordinate role to him in the dojo. Hard feelings in this case can make for a painful training environment.

On another note, watch how you tell him of your orientation. Some guys are so hardheaded that they think you're making it up as an excuse, or they may take it as a challenge to "convert" you. Really, though, your sexual preference is your own darn business, so perhaps it shouldn't even be discussed if you don't want it to.

With respect,

Sohan

[Shotokan-kez]

Thanks guys. It's not something i shout on about because it is personal. Luckily this guy is an assistant instructor and he only teaches the lower grades, mainly the kids. I hate my orientation sometimes because i find it so difficult being friends with guys because they think if they do enough for me they can 'convert' me it makes life very difficult. Sometimes they just dont get the message and keep on and on!

I think i will go for that drink with him next week and use that opportunity to tell him i am not interested, i can't exactly discuss this with him in the dojo. To be honest he must be in his early 50's as it is, i'm only 29 why would he think he would have a chance with a girl that age anyway. He is a nice guy so hopefully his ego wont be to battered afterwards.

[legkicker]

A lot of instructors, unfortunately try to get with female students. I never have but have had moms of students hit on me, etc. I have dated another female instructor but she wasn't a student of mine. I think this is kind of like when teachers date students in kids, some type of psychological power trip, and it should be wrong(IMO).

Anyhoo, back to the topic...Don't go out for drinks with him, you will give him the idea you're interested. Let him know that you're into females and not males. Nonchalantly mention things about your gf, even if you don't have a gf, still say you do.

I personally have known 3 instructors very well that got with female students. One of them cheated many times on his gorgeous wife with some students, it made no sense to me and still doesn't.

[Iron Arahat]

Relationships in the school, typically make things complicated. If the two dating split makes it awkward for them, and other studets, depending on how mature they are about the situation.

If he has invited you for a drink, just make sure you go out as a group with others, and make it less like a "date".

If he cannot handle "your preference" then is he really a friend.

[jaymac]

We discourage instructors dating students in our school. I know that you said he instructs younger or lower grades, but still, he is an assistant instructor. If you are uncomfortable revealing your orientation to him, then don't feel pressured into telling him. It is none of his or anybody elses business. Instead, explain to him that a relationship in the dojo would not be professional and that if something were to go wrong, it would put the both of you in an awkward situation inside the dojo. I like the idea of going out with a group of people instead one on one, but if I were you, I would tell him this before you go out and then say, hey we can all still go out and have a burger (or something)

[Red J]

You really don't need to tell him why you are not interested in him. You don't owe him anything.

If you want to send him the message, the next time he gives you a ride home tell him thank you and say something like, "It's nice to have a father figure at the dojo who looks out for his students". Unless he is super dense he will figure out that twenty years is twenty years and will get the point without you having to let him down formally. He saves face and you don't need to confront him, and you both have more clarity over your status as "friends." My .02.

[jaymac]

That was awesome RedJ. I wish I had thought of saying that, because I actually do that to someone I work with. Good comparison with the parents is a immediate flirt stopper!