psychological burden

[40 cent]

k i wasnt sure were abouts to put this problem, it is weird, its purely mental, and there is a fair bit of background and so forth involved, and i dont expect it to be solved on the internet, but any guidance is appreciated. im now 21 years old.

i do kyokushin karate, and over the last year or so, it has pretty much become a way of life. i love the way it developed my physical strength and my character, and it has changed the way i think and approach things. i pride myself on honesty and loyalty and so forth. it also changed my maturity, it curbed my need to be a 'tough guy' (moreso made me see i wasnt as i was fighting with 2nd dans :s) and it really helped in putting my ego in place, through development.

so i was going really smooth mentally recently. then, we had a break for summer over christmas, and i decided to get a different form of hard training and joined the reserves. i went to 'boot camp' for 7 weeks. i didnt struggle, it wasnt physically hard AT ALL, not one bit, and we just got yelled at and they tried to make us feel like sh*t for 7 weeks for 16 hours a day. which i realise is all for a reason, and design to break the weak ones and all that jazz. i didnt think it affected me at all, infact i managed to maintain my humour throughout it all....

and then WHAM. about 2 weeks after i returned home, i had commenced training (unfitter and stronger than when i left) and i got a monster burden that made it hard for me to sleep. i all of a sudden had a flash back to a street fight about 2 years ago, where my mate got hit, (i was only involved with the pushing, we were outnumbered and underage :/) anyway i got pushed over, got up to see my mate get hit from behind by one of the pack, all i did was run over and yell 'f**k off'. he had a split eye, and i had a guilty conscience becuase i was unharmed and didnt put myself in dangers way....

as with most burdens, a 'snowball' effect occured, and i got to thinking and i remembered when i was like 16, it was at school, one of my mates when down and i saw the opposition pack converge on him (i was 100m away on the b/ball court) and i had a fair idea he'd be getting hit a few times, but i didnt do ANYTHING. what makes things worse is, and i realise this wouldve fully compunded my guilt, was that when he came up (he didnt have any blood or bruises, just copped a few soft ones, but that isnt the point) i sorta acted like i dint know it was hostile, i tried to bluff him (and myself to a degree) that i just thought it was kind of a 'stacks on' kind of thing....

further snowballing now...and my best mate ryley was in two fights, both of which he copped a fair pounding in, they were both 1 on 1, but he didnt want to be in either. all i wish i had done was stopped it, or not let them happen.

ok, thats all of it, i know i didnt let anyone die or anything like that, i didnt do anything immensely wrong, just didnt do anything right. i dont expect to be a hero and run down and slay the harrasors, i just wished i had the courage to put myself in harms way. i realise i have this kind of emotional dump now, because it was a situation i didnt deal with, i didnt fight or fly, i just did nothing, stood there, witnessed it and felt like i shouldve helped, shouldve put myself in harms way for my friends being harmed who i love and respect so much. it worries me that it was 'instinctive', i dont understand how to develope myself so if someone i care about gets hurt, i react appropriately..

i am not an aggresive person, i feel capable as a fighter to some degree (not cockiness) and i feel strong, and know im a good person, but i want to be able to turn the switch on when it is needed.

ok, i havent been tested since i started hard training, and since i have really started developing my character, so i HOPE things ahve changed. but even having a burden is my body telling me that those feelings arent dealt with, and i know the past cant be changed, but id be interested to know how to deal with these emotions so they dont continue to resurface. i intend on speaking to the footy oval friend and telling him the truth, and i have already admitted to my mates that i shouldve helped them more...maybe i should discuss it with them completely. what should i do to get rid of the guilt?

also, how do i stop this from happening in the future? i gather its a common problem getting stuck in the middle of fight or flight, street fights are extreme stress situations, however i know i am capable of helping, i dont want to stand there and watch by when wrong is being done. what mind set do i need to change? what training should i do? (ive been in many full contact fights in the last yyear, and that helps deal with fear and so forth..)

theres a millioin questions...id just want any feedback/advice/guidance whatever on this, discussion, whatever....anything to help me understand the situation and my actions better...cant undo the past, but i can learn form it

its ridiculous i know, i realise there are people with a million times worse problems...but hey....

[Smitty]

Let me tell you a story my Sensei told me.

There were 2 monks, one old and one young, that left the monastery to start their own temple. On their way, they came to a river. On their side there was a young woman crying. The older monk went over to ask her why she was crying, and she said "The river is too strong, I cannot cross". The old monk picked up the woman and carried her across the river, with the young monk following.

He was furious because touching women is strictly forbidden. When they reach the other side, the old monk sets the woman down and they continue on their journey. The young monk, still being angry, followed. Still fuming after several miles, he yelled at the older monk.

"Why did you touch that woman?! Touching women is strictly forbidden, and yet you carried her across the river?!" The older monk replied calmly, "Why are you still carrying her?"

[Menjo]

Thats a good story, I enjoyed it. Thanks.

[40 cent]

i do like that. thankyou

[Blackbeltblonde]

What your dealing with has nothing to do with fighting in and of itself. So, set that down... leave it alone.

You're dealing with good ol fashion guilt. Honestly, ask Jesus for forgiveness and forgive yourself.

Resolve to never do it again. My whole family (all 3 of my siblings and my dad.. my mom has no interest in martial arts) is in the martial arts, we have resolved that one of the things that sets us apart as martial artist is to protect family, friends, and those unable to protect themselves. And we have a nice little mental excersize while training.. EXPECT TO GET CUT.. cause you will. accept it and move on from the idea of the pain stopping you.

~BBB