Why I'm Always Hurt!

[Fat Donkey]

This post was originally published as an article in a dedicated KarateForums.com Articles section, which is no longer online. After the section was closed, this article was most to the most appropriate forum in our community.

Greetings my fellow limpers, groaners, achers, scabbies, black eyed, fat lipped, cartilage deprived friends. As I woke up the day after training and could barely get out of bed, BECAUSE OF THE PAIN, I thought about all the MA's I've taken and all the injuries I've collected and thought: finally, a topic everyone on this site can agree on and have a rueful laugh. I began to list HOW I got injured? WHY I got injured? And the DIFFERENT injuries that different MA's produce. So lets get started:

The WHY and the HOW!

1. I'm a KLUTZ: mind and body are one - yeah, right! If I could miss it, slip on it, trip on it, pull it, walk into it, fall out of it, fall on it and fall down it - I have. This is my number one explanation for my injuries. I've always hurt myself worse than any opponent ever has, BUT, the benefit is that I usually look like a dweeb in front of a lot people. Example: attempting the TKD jumping high kick, missing the board and managing to land on head, elbow and big toe simultaneously during a public demonstration.

2. My partner/opponent is a KLUTZ. Anyone who's ever trained a newbie has probably experienced this, but the worse is experienced people who are and will always be klutzes, not jerks, just bloody awkward. The guy/girl who misses the pad your holding and kicks you in the face. The person who attempts a hip throw while standing on your toe or the individual who manages to slip and head butt you in the mouth. The first day of my wrestling class, my partner turns the basic fireman's carry into the HEAD SMASH, DESTROYER OF ROTATOR CUFF Move. Not ONCE but 15 times.

3. The EYE of the TIGER. C'mon buddy, just a couple more reps, just a couple more pounds. If you want to be the best, you got to push it, C'MON PUSH IT ... (pop, tear, snap) HEEEELLLLPPPP! Somebody call me an ambulance, MOOOMMMMMYYYYY!!!! Sound familiar? You've pushed so hard you broke it. For me it was the shoulder rows - 50 pounds, 60 pounds. Hey, I'm so good I'll try 100 pounds. Focus, you can do it, c'mon champ! The sad part was I did it. I did it so hard I rammed that barbell right into my chin, cutting it open and chipping my tooth, almost knocking myself out. At least my friend laughed so hard he got a good ab workout.

4. MR. INTENSITY or the jerk who never controls himself. If you've been around MA's, you've met this guy. A friendly, light sparring session turns into the last 15 minutes of ROCKY. The slow technique has you thrown across the room with something dislocated. This is the idiot who never learns and thinks he can climb the skill ladder on top of your broken bones. He is also the only person I will occasionally pound into tapioca once in a while. My example, a friendly WTF TKD style sparring, with no punches to the head ends up with me taking 10 full haymakers to the face AND the guy was a higher rank than me.

5. OLD SCHOOL MASTERS: PAIN seems to have been a major instructional tool for many old school masters. To learn to IGNORE the pain you must first PRODUCE the pain. Now don't get me wrong, if I have a choice I always choose an old school master, but I know what's coming. Knuckle push ups/headstands on concrete floors. If you're not bleeding, you haven't kicked, punched, kneed or elbowed enough. My story is a Muay Thai one. My Thai master who kicks an iron post regularly is showing me shin blocks without pads. 1st kick 1/10th power, 2nd kick 1/3rd power, 3rd kick WHAM full power. Now I don't cry often but... I still have the bump 3 years later.

6. DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR. MA's build confidence, but with morons like myself they sometimes lead to fantasies that I might be half decent. Luckily, I have many good friends and instructors who are willing to hand me my overconfident butt on a platter when I get too big for my britches. When I get hurt in this scenario, it is usually more embarrassing than painful. Example, I challenge our heavyweight champ in BJJ after handling all my fellow white belts. After playing with me like a cat with a mouse, he sits on my chest and gives me the deadly double purple nurples. Humbled, I limp home more determined to improve my technique (SO I CAN ONE DAY EXACT SWEET REVENGE (evil laughter)).

Now here, from my personal experiences, are the most common type of training injuries/pains of the different MA's.

Tae Kwon Do: you will never have kids because you've been kicked in the baby maker twice a day for years.

Karate: you've given up spicy or acidic food and drink because you're never without a cut on mouth or lips; enough with the *&^%*%^& backfist already!

Judo: you buy shoes and gloves a size bigger because your toes and fingers are constantly swollen. You are hoping Santa will bring you a knee brace.

Kali/Escrima: you start buying clothes and furniture to match the red, black and blue strikes that cover your body.

Wrestling: Orthopedic surgeons need to eat, too. There just MIGHT be one girl who finds cauliflower ears sexy and walking is highly overrated. Knees, bah humbug!

Boxing: you write your name and address in your underwear because your memory and attention span seem to be...

What? Who wrote this stupid article? I did! Oh yeah. Moving on...

erratic. You breathe through your ears because your nose is now simply decoration. Ugly, misshapen decoration.

Muay Thai: you rename your shins pain and agony and use the bumps on the bones to try and foretell the future. You no longer worry about getting cut because your face is now solid scar tissue. Elbows taste like gummy bears.

BJJ: you've learned groundwork which is good because now you crawl everywhere. You've pulled muscles unidentified by anatomist and you drive with your chin after the 2 hour armbar session.

MMA: so, this is what a car accident feels like. I didn't know there was so much blood in me - cool!

[Patrick]

Thank you for the submission. Funny.

[parkerlineage]

hahahahaha...I just about died from reading this!!!

Very funny, very well put, very insightful.

Two broken thumbs way up and slightly to the side!

[bushido_man96]

Very nice, very entertaining! And, as always, we keep coming back for more, don't we?

[lordtariel]

That was great.

[TheLastofTheBest]

Your just starting out fluidity, and oneness with your mind as well as your spirit will come in time

[hapaboi39]

damn!!!

sum funny stuff bro!

[Scotty]

I may have to use this article to show some people at the next seminar! All credit to author, of course

[csmnjam]

very funny i know the feeling and i have found that in time you will be happy for the pain you now know how much you can take

[Akaratechick]

hilarious and oh soooooo true