Issue with fellow kyu; advise sought

[jay46]

I need some advice from the collective wisdom of the forum.

There is a kyu, same grade as I, that now has a some issue with that causes him to needle me and at times be downright disrespectful. I don't know what I've done because I'm always cordial and I never really engage him in conversation.

Some background: He is 22 years my junior and is a self identified 'special' person. He takes every opportunity to tell anyone that he is autistic. He is extremely high functioning but has self control issues. He probably would have not been 'classified' as such back in my day. He is also about 50 pounds heavier than I. He is rarely allowed to spar with anyone other than a black belt due to his lack of control. He learns the fundementals and katas with the rest of us kyus (god help us when we start with bo and chucks).

I've tried to ignore him but it seems that he finds ways of getting under my skin, like coming late to line up/ rei in/out and bulldozing his way between me and whoever is next to me no matter where in the kyu line I am or butting into a conversation and saying something quazi disrespectful. It seems like it's intentional though it could be viewed as 'his manner'. He is behaving like my kids when they were five. Then again it's possible that is his emotional age.

What should I do about the situation? a) try to ignore him, don't even acknowledge his rare hellos b) tell him how disrespectful he is being and tell him stay away from me. c) talk to my shihan about it first

I'm not sure how I should go about resolving this given his 'disability'.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[TangSooGuy]

When all else fails, talk to your instructor.

I know you may want to talk to this student directly, but in the end, that may just disrupt your studio and your training even more.

Hopefully your instructor will be able to put some things into place that will calm the situation, or he may ave to get the two of you together privately and mediate.

Whether or not he wants it to be, this is one of the things your instructor is there for.

Just make sure you take time to approach him calmly about it, preferably by making an appointment to see him privately about it.

Approach it calmly and rationally, and he should be able to help you all come up with a solution together.

[CQC]

I think you should definately talk to your instructor about it. If his mental age is that of a child, he may not completely comprehend what you're telling, and may act like a child even more because he knows it's bothersome to you. The bottom line is he'd probably take words from your instructor more seriously than if it came from you.

[ninjanurse]

Any of these tactics are plausible however the first two may not have any impact on the situation given his "autism". Even if he is aware that he uses it as an excuse he may not have any control over it. I say speak to your shihan as he/she may be able to give you advice on how to handle this internally and/or help this young man with his behaviors during class. Good Luck!

[Grenadier]

Bring it to the attention of Shihan. Having seen things like this in the past, it's not a good bet that your classmate is going to be inclined to listen to you.

In the meantime, if he continues to pester you (which shouldn't last for long, if you speak with Shihan first), then continue to ignore him. He's probably screaming for attention at times, and the last thing you want to do is grant it to him.

[AngelaG]

Just a quick question. Have you ever said anything to him, in a polite way, about his manner? He may just need a quiet rebuttal. For example if you are talking and he butts in, just politely inform him that you were talking and he should wait his turn. if you are both adults your instructor may be inclined to think you should deal with it like adults, even taking into account his autism.

[italian_guy]

I think the best thing to do is talk with your instructor about it He should explain him that his behaviour is not correct, your instructor has a stronger position and can handle the situation better than you in your position. Only if he fails or do nothing try to approach him directly being very careful...

[AngelaG]

I find it quite odd the amount of people that suggest going straight to the instructor without seeing if the original poster has tried to do anything about it at all. It's amazing how many people in a MA environment are happy to abandon all sense of responsibility and place it all in the hands of an instructor. These are adults we are talking about - for children I would always advocate bringing in a responsible adult, but for an adult they should be mature enough to at least start trying to deal with such problems themselves. I thought martial arts were supposed to strengthen one's character, and provide self-confidence and self-respect.

I would think that if the OP goes straight to the shihan then he may be asked what he has tried to do about it first. I myself would be ashamed if i said that I had not at least tried to confront the matter in a mature, reponsible and polite way first.

All of course just my opinion

[TangSooGuy]

Well, I'm speaking in the role of an instructor, and I'd rather my students come to me.

It's just that I've seen situations like this escalate and cause more problems when people try to handle it on their own.

I also got the impression that this was a BIG problem, not something small that could be handled quickly and easily.

As an instructor, I'd probably talk to both individuals privately first, and with the "problem" individual, I'd say that I had noticed the problem myself...leaving any issue of blame out of it.

If that didn't work, I'd talk to both of them together, and if we couldn't come up with a solution, I'd put policies into place that would keep the two of them apart as much as possible, whether that be assigning positions for them to line up, scheduling different classes, assigning partners, whatever.

From there I'd work on bringing thetwo of you together again in controlled situations, as eventually if you were both training in my studio, you'd have to learn how to deal with one another.

If it is something that can be handled with a quick word, then by all means do so, but if you think that would only escalate the problem, then I still advocate going to your instructor.

[jay46]

I find it quite odd the amount of people that suggest going straight to the instructor without seeing if the original poster has tried to do anything about it at all. It's amazing how many people in a MA environment are happy to abandon all sense of responsibility and place it all in the hands of an instructor. These are adults we are talking about - for children I would always advocate bringing in a responsible adult, but for an adult they should be mature enough to at least start trying to deal with such problems themselves. I thought martial arts were supposed to strengthen one's character, and provide self-confidence and self-respect.

I would think that if the OP goes straight to the shihan then he may be asked what he has tried to do about it first. I myself would be ashamed if i said that I had not at least tried to confront the matter in a mature, reponsible and polite way first.

All of course just my opinion

I actually had trying pointing out to him in some subtle (and sometimes blunt) words that he was being disrespectful. Also he may be emotionally a child but not mentally. If I'm not mistaken I think autism is more of an emotional/social disorder than cognitive and there are widely varying degrees. Some of the kids and young adults that I know who are so diagnosed are in fact above average intellectually. As I said, he is extremely high functioning. He holds a steady job, drives a car (scary to think about given his lack of ability to hold his concentration and focus) and generally interacts with people. He actually undstands and follows instruction reasonably well. I've seen where he can understand and be reasonable. Were he not 'special', I probably would have just handled it by talking to him and avoidance. If that failed I would go right to shihan. But this is a 'special' situation. Should the handling of this be special.