A letter to a student about to quit training

[Zen_Diva]

I thought I would share the letter and her reply. For someone new in the art, this might have something of small value;

I guess I am one of the people who you have wasted your time on and disappointed you. >

 

 

 

No, you were a bright light. My only expectation is that you push yourself...I do the same, karate is a way of life and it demands submission, not to me, but to your own best interests.....its hard to explain. The ego has to be destroyed in order for new possibilites to emerge. What we want to become is often impeded by what we are in the present moment. The Sensai sees what you CAN become and often appears harsh or unfeeling, because we are tempering steel, so to speak. Finding the true Buddha nature is not an easy road, and so karate begins by stripping us of who we think we are, and showing us what we can be. In person, there would be an entire class full of people thinking the same thing, but it would pass as you saw progression in your training and body. On the internet, no such period exists, so I need to rely on your dedication to practice.

 

 

 

This is why karate training is undertaken by so few. The dismantling of what we were in order to create something new, is painful and brings up trust, power, control issues.....but if you stay with the training, each doubt, each feeling of anger toward the teacher, each moment of frustration, passes and something incredible begins to happen.

 

 

 

In day to day life, you and I would relate quite differently. But teaching, I must remain detached, because I have seen this before in students and know if you persist, the feelings will change and you will find your own karate.

 

 

 

Before you go...and I do hope you stay, you have a great spirit and such depth of character that I treasure our teaching....let me tell you one story, if you still want to leave, please do so.

 

 

 

During my first few months of training with my teacher, I, like you, had goals. I had also worked on my self esteemin psychotherapy for a while and was a professor, not used to taking orders, just giving them. We were standing in line doing front punch when he came up from behind and swept my foot out from under me. I went flying onto the mat in a heap. He just kept walking around, said nothing to me and I got up and kept going.

 

 

 

Man, was I furious. Here I was, a 32 year old man, being knocked down on the floor, without PERMISSION, from some karate teacher who I WAS PAYING to teach me, I thought "How dare he!". This violated all the rules of regular lessons I had taken before, I mean, the guy just came up and knocked me down for no reason. But I stayed with it because I wanted a yellow belt and the test was coming. I thought, I will just get my belt out of the deal because I paid for the lessons and didnt want to walk away empty handed.

 

 

 

The time for the test came in 3 weeks, and the minimum number of practice hours to qualify was 26. I had 28, so figured I was a shoe in for the test, I had gone to university and was a whiz at tests.

 

When I asked him about it, he said no. He said I had been showing up inconsistently and that a belt had to mean something. Again, I resented this, because now I would have to wait for months for the next test, and watch others, who in my big fat opinion, were WORSE than me. Where was justice, I cried to myself....

 

 

 

But something was happening to me. His foot sweep, I realized was done to show me the importance of balance, how if we have no foundation, we cannot build a house. I have never been knocked down since, this has helped me with everyday life, for the first time in my life, I had balance. I was one of those kids who couldnt ski, water ski, dance, anything that demanded balance. Through his one action, I mastered something which held me back my entire life.

 

 

 

As for the belt test, just to finish...I went to him after a few more months and told him the katas we were learning were boring, that I already had years of martial arts, could we do something more interesting? His response changed my life.

 

 

 

"David, if I were alot older and grayer I would get into a long explanation with you. But I won't. Choose a small door and enter deeply."

 

 

 

I realized then, that my life had been a sham. I had charmed my way through my masters degree, procrastinated my way through my music, never recognized love when it was given me, these things hit you in the dojo, suddenly, every failure in my life was lucid, in front of me, palpable, I was the little 6 year old kid who couldn't catch the ball, the last pic on the soccer team, the one no one wanted. The self pity engulfed me.

 

 

 

I stayed and trained. He and I are best friends now as well as teacher and student, there is no issue of power, I eventually found my own karate, my own self.

 

Think about it, just stay with the present feeling. What made you write the letter and quit? What emotions, memories and fears emerged? Dont tell me about them, just watch them. From this, we all learn much.

 

 

 

Domo Arigato Dozai Mashta

 

 

 

Davis

[Zen_Diva]

you are right. I have to be willing to put myself in your hands as my Sensai and learn what you have to teach me and also learn from myself as I progress. I have much work to do.

 

 

 

I, too, have been in therapy for many years for self-esteem issues. I am a product of a broken home with a Dad that didn’t bother with me after he left home and a Mom who favored my sister over me who was emotionally abusive. Then I got into one emotional abusive relationship after another, where the partner had total control over me because I gave it to them. I had no sense of power from within. Yada, Yada, Yada. Well, I don’t want my life to be like this anymore and my son, quite frankly, would expect more of me than this. In fact, I expect more from me than this!!

 

 

 

You ARE a true friend and as I said in my post on 411, a loving person. It is I who briefly failed you in the loyalty department. If you no longer wish to work with me, I understand. I hope you will forgive my last email and that at the very least, we are still friends.

 

 

 

I also now understand after your story, the difference between you and I in the world setting, and the you and I teacher and student. I know now you are not “tearing” me down because you’re on a power trip or any such thing. It is part of the training. I wish I had brought this subject up when it first happened and you could have explained it to me, instead of what happened. I’m sorry.

 

 

 

The good news is I’m still training, although can’t jump rope for very long. That is to be expected though. I hope you accept my apology and will still work with me.

 

 

 

HAI!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Name Withheld by Author

[EvilTed]

A great story ZD and one that's probably common to all of us.

 

I've been through the pain, emotional and physical and keep coming back for more.

 

At one time I felt like this student and almost quit myself.

 

I now know a little more about my sensei, a little more about myself.

 

You can't look around the dojo at others and how they are treated or how they are favored. You can only look at yourself and give your heart and soul to karate.

 

Once you do that, the rest is immaterial

 

Osu!

 

ET

[Red Triangle student]

Yes, everyone feels like this every once. You must pull yorself together!

[ramymensa]

Was about to quit when I was a beginner. Stayed because I was at home and sensei and the coleagues helped me overcome my problems. When in this situation try to judge the pros and cons for this decision. If you feel you want to go, but fear you're too weak and uncoordinated, go and try to pass the bad moment. If you feel nothing connects you to this occupation, just move on. You must love MA in order to gain from it and be really happy. You're not there to please anybody but yourself.

 

It's a tough decision. Still you've got to take it if there's no way out.

[Dijita]

That was inspirational. Thanks!

[aefibird]

Great post, very thought provoking.

[italian_guy]

Yes great post ZD

[Kieran-Lilith]

Okay...well...I feel stupid...Maybe there's a good reason after all I suddenly have to obey. Man, this is killing my ego. The one think I've never had to get rid of, is what my friend (who is my superior) and the rest of the higher belts are trying to teach me...that makes sense...that explains why they're mean sometimes...also why they feel it necessary to cause so much pain. Pain's the only thing that works on me...

[Sandhoppa]

I must say this helped me out a great deal...thank you