Shoot

MarXXX · December 28, 2003

Karate:

You shoot yourself in the foot.

Taekwondo:

You shoot yourself in the foot, which is located 6 ft. above ground level at that time.

Judo:

You shoot a softball at your foot. This is so much fun that you take it into your daily training routine. After a Japanese term is found it is incorporated into the curriculum at blue belt level.

Hapkido:

You try to shoot yourself in the foot while performing an elegant circular movement. You will get hurt in any case. The chance of getting a gunshot wound is about 50%, thus being equal to the chance of spraining your joints.

Wing Tsun (Leung Ting):

You hear that this technique belongs to an advanced part of the curriculum. You spend the rest of your life with expensive seminars that are supposed to prepare you for the aforementioned part.

Wing Chun (William Cheung):

You shoot yourself in the foot. Nobody has heard the shot and no wounds are visible which is exactly your intention. There will be no indicators of an injury until the next two weeks have passed because this is a Dim Mak technique.

Ving Tsun (Wong):

You shoot yourself in the foot. Because of your extremely stable low stance the bullet penetrates your calf, your knee and your shin. You fall on your face and lose your teeth. For the rest of your life you show your injuries as evidences of your style's efficacy.

Tai Chi:

You practice to draw and shoot in one single fluid movement. After years of constant training you become one with your weapon but you have forgotten what to do with it.

Iaido:

You practice to draw and shoot in one single fluid movement. You then spend the rest of your life imagining how the sound of a shot that is heard by nobody differs from the sound of a one-handed hand-clapping (during the peach harvest in Kyoto).

Shaolin Kung Fu:

You develop 108 different movements to draw the weapon together with 108 corresponding stances. However, you refrain from the actual shooting for religious reasons.

BJJ:

First you build an octagonal cage. There you shoot yourself in the foot in front of a paying audience. You offer a prize to anybody who can shoot bigger holes in more feet with fewer bullets.

Aikido:

You miss your foot by about 40 cm. You then spend the rest of your life trying to change the position of your hand while pressing the trigger so that the bullet describes a circular path that ends up in your foot.

Boxing:

During training you have difficulties manipulating the trigger while wearing gloves. The shooting is postponed 6 times because of injuries and finally cancelled because the pistol doesn't belong to any major boxing federation.

Krav Maga:

You shoot off every single toe with a sub-machinegun. Then you switch to automatic fire and separate both feet from the legs with carefully aimed bursts. To make sure they're really gone you jump on top of an Arabian anti-personnel mine.

Capoeira:

You try to shoot yourself in the foot but miss on the first try. After the 40th reload you realize that you didn't actually learn a martial art and shoot yourself in the head.

Iron Palm kung fu:

You soon realize that you won't be able to shoot yourself daily in the leg without proper training. You spend the rest of your life on a quest make your leg bulletproof by hitting it with various objects.

Ryukyu Kempo:

You carefully pick a spot and shoot yourself once in the leg. Your left ear muscles are instantly paralyzed. You're happy because the technique worked exactly as you thought it would, and it's obviously superior to Karate leg-shooting technique.

Hikuta:

You shoot your leg the way the pharaohs did in ancient times. You find it a bit difficult because you don't tense the trigger finger at all. When the gun eventually fires, the bullet misses your foot, but that is quite irrelevant.

American Kenpo:

You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot. An 8th degree blackbelt stops you saying that's not the way GM parker would have done it. He attempts to show you the way when another 8th+ blackbelt comes and up and tells the first one he isn't doing it way GM parker would have done it either. An argument ensues and 15 other 8th+ blackbelt come over and get involved. End result nobody gets shot in the foot