Office Arts or The Way of the Office?

[WhiteBelt]

Somebody needs to come up with MA for office equipment. If those poor farmers on Okinawa had to use everyday equipment, then maybe the defenseless office workers can protect themselves with, um, err... Oh I know, pencils, telephones, rulers, mice, etc. You could make a lot of cash selling it.

 

Much more helpful than learning how to fight with an oar downtown. Extra style points for the first deadly thrown pencil.

[Shogun]

hey man, pencils aint no joke i have gotten them to stick in a bulliten board before

[daeinwolf]

Telephone---Kusari Fundo

 

Pencil/Pen---Bo shriken

 

Bent Paperclips---tetsubishi(caltrops)

 

Broom/Mop---Bo, Yari, Naginata, Bi-Sento

 

Bent paperclips---shuko(hand spikes)

 

Canned air, hot coffee, snuff---metsubushi(sight removers)

 

Umm...thats all I can think of at the moment.

 

Sastimos---Joshua

[ZR440]

How about a Bostich Stapler loaded with titanium nitride coated staples?

[tommarker]

unplug the power cord from your monitor, and fold it in half.

 

let the games begin.

[ZR440]

Oh yeah, now you're talking.

 

Crack a CD in half to throw.

[monkeygirl]

Don't forget: paperweights make good bludgeoning items.

 

Two rulers make good escrima.

 

For architects: who needs kamas when you've got t-squares?

 

Don't forget the chopsticks that came with the chinese you ordered for lunch

 

Flip the plastic chair mat (that protects the carpet) upside down and leave it in front of your office door/cubicle entrance like a booby trap.

 

You'll also learn how to hide behind small, narrow plants! The proper way to jump through your window and onto the window-washing thingy should also be covered

[karate_woman]

I'm running with scissors!

 

There's always the 'ol necktie in the paper shredder, and those huge paper cutters they have in the mailroom We wear lanyards around our necks at work and the latest ones have a breakaway part at the back so we can't be choked by them. Not sure if someone WAS choked or not, but makes you think, anyway.

 

As everyone's mentioned, anything (pens, pencils, envelope openers, binders, staplers, briefcases, etc can be weapons with the right person and the right attitude.

[SaiFightsMS]

Oh scissors! Insert your first two fingers in the large loops hold the blades in your fist (blades closed) and you have makeshift brass knuckles or tekko.

[WhiteBelt]

This art was once lost, but has been rediscovered in a Native American reserve. The ancient Native Americans developed the Way of the Office long ago because too many workers had no ambition and simply weren't going anywhere. Through this art they learned everything they needed to become a productive worker, and eventually own their own company.

 

We've adopted the system of belts because everybody can understand it, and let's face it, office workers need a quick fix. They have the attention span of a teenager these days. There are in total seven belts before the black levels, and three phases the student goes through.

 

Beginners wear the following belts: white, yellow, orange, green. The focus of their training is on the pre-management level. They learn how to cope with difficult bosses, and lazy coworkers. Some self defense techniques include: how to come to work late everyday, how to blame anything on a coworker, survival around photocopiers.

 

The intermediate students wear, blue, purple, or brown belts. They focus on obtaining and keeping a management position, and how to jump from company to company safely. This is where the truely nasty techniques are first taught. We start to include some weapons training, pencils, rulers, cds, and also some trapping techniques (office mat, photocopier/paper shredder).

 

Finally our advanced and masters students get to wear the stylish black belts. Black belts fit much better with the black suits we wear in the office, and we love to laugh at the lower belts trying to coordinate their attire with an orange belt. *cough* Anyway, at the master level we teach students how to get everybody below them to do all the work, but get all the credit themselves. Because some of our students at this level may own a company themselves, we also teach how to prepare a 'fall-guy' for when the company goes bust.

 

Here are some quick bullets about us:

 

*Office self defense

 

---Coming in late

 

---Shifting the blame

 

---Stealing the credit

 

---Hiding behind plants

 

---Running atop cubical walls in STYLE!

 

*Weapons

 

---Pencils, pens, and highlighters

 

---Your average computer equipment

 

---Fun in the finance department

 

---Paper shredders and photocopiers

 

---How to turn a vending machine into a monster

 

*Sparring

 

---Full contact fighting with coworkers and BOSSES!

 

---Using the environment

 

---Modern evasion techniques

 

---Proper timing (get them caught by the boss)

 

Honestly, we teach so many useful techniques that we should be the only MA. Sure Muay Thai will dominate us in the ring, but in the office there is no chance for them. They are simply out of their league. We are unbeatable because we can just buy the company that owns the ring, and close it down. Mwahahaha... err anyway. Give us a call.