Guest Posted April 16, 2003 Posted April 16, 2003 http://www.butlerwebs.com/jokes/taxes.htm America is the land of opportunity. Everyone can become a taxpayer. ~~~~~ A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time. ~~~~~ The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: 1. How much did you make last year? 2. How much do you have left? 3. Send amount listed in part 2. ~~~~~ The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850. He has to in order to get his taxes paid. ~~~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? ~~~~~ A man walks into a store followed by his ten-year-old son. His son is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. While walking through the store someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. His dad starts panicking and shouts and screams for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at the snack bar in the store reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee down, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way towards the boy. When he reaches the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes, gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat at the snack bar without saying a word. As soon as the dad makes sure that his son is OK, he rushes over to the man and starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?" "Oh, good Heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service." ~~~~~ What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a financial problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. ~~~~~ A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made. Uncle Sam has all the others. ~~~~~ TAX POEM Tax his land, tax his wage, Tax his bed in which he lays. Tax his tractor, tax his mule, Teach him taxes is the rule. Tax his cow, tax his goat, Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his ties, tax his shirts, Tax his work, tax his dirt. Tax his chew, tax his smoke, Teach him taxes are no joke. Tax his car, tax his ass Tax the roads he must pass. Tax his tobacco, tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think. Tax his booze, tax his beers, If he cries, tax his tears. Tax his bills, tax his gas, Tax his notes, tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, tax him more, Tax him until he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he lays. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove me to my doom!" And when he's gone, we won't relax, We'll still be after the inheritance TAX! Author Unknown ~~~~~ A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bob, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." Bob agreed to take of his friend's request and asked "What do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything." ~~~~~ Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund. ~~~~~ What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him. ~~~~~ Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? A: Depreciation. ~~~~~ Whomever said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040. ~~~~~ There are two types of people who complain about paying their income tax. Men and women. ~~~~~ I hate junk mail . . .and that includes the tax forms they send me. ~~~~~ If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes? ~~~~~ President Herbert Hoover was the first President to give his salary back to the government. Now the government would like everyone to do it. ~~~~~ Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly. ~~~~~ Q: Why is a tax loophole like a good parking spot? A: As soon as you see one, it's gone. ~~~~~ The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, strongmen, etc. - but no one could do it. One day a scrawny little man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?" The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent." ~~~~~ Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences." ~~~~~ Doing your own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging. ~~~~~ There was a time when $1200 would buy a car. Now it's the sales tax. ~~~~~ Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get. ~~~~~ A dollar saved is bound to be taxed. And so is a penny earned. ~~~~~ It's hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation. ~~~~~ After one pays their income tax, one knows how a cow feels after she's been milked. ~~~~~ Income tax forms should be printed on Kleenex because so many of us have to pay through the nose. ~~~~~ Bumper Sticker: When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case Heaven is like the IRS.
SaiFightsMS Posted April 19, 2003 Posted April 19, 2003 How about the guy who fell in between the tracks in the subway. A train was due in. Everyone kept saying "give me your hand, give me your hand". The guy would not give them his hand. Then someone had an idea and asked him what he did for a living - "I am an IRS agent". Take my hand the bright guy said. And IRS agent never gives anyone anything they just know how to take.
Icetuete Posted June 24, 2003 Posted June 24, 2003 its the same EVERYwhere i guess. thats why u should invest your money into taxes. they will certainly rise...
Guest Posted June 30, 2003 Posted June 30, 2003 How does taxation work over there? You get taxed when you get your money for that day, week or month depending on how often you get paid. Say you got £120 the government would take a certain percentage out of that when you get the money. The percentage differs depending on whether you are married have children and on how much you earn. I think your boss has to pay you through a bank or by cheque so the government can take the money and know your not skipping taxes. Sorry for the late reply I have been doing exams and had to study. It will be august before I get the results.
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