Hey Ladies! (And Maybe the Menfolk as well....)

[Meiou Ikarino]

Okie. So here's the dilemna.

 

I'm severely, I mean severely attracted to an instructor in my school. It's nothing to crazy, three year age difference (suffice to say, yes, I am over the age of consent, LOL).

 

Has anyone ever dealt with something like this before? I mean, I'm totally NOT shy. But it's kind of distracting when you're doing your forms and hello, he's got a mighty fine rear. I'm just not sure whether or not that would make classes weird and stuff....

 

Meiou Ikarino: "The Wrath of the Dark King"

[SBN Doug]

Never had the pleasure myself, but good a time as any to revive this thread.

 

http://www.karateforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=4256&highlight=bunny

[Meiou Ikarino]

Hehe, that hardly applies to me

 

Yah see, I've been at the school almost three years, and he just recently transfered in from another school. Amusingly enough, because of new policies he wants to implement, my belt promotion might be pushed back. In addition, another instructor has asked me out, at which point I gave him a weird look and said, "Um.... no..." So not making the instructor rounds. So in fact, quite the opposite situation.

 

If all else fails, it at least pushes me to not quit before I get my black belt...

[Karateka_latino]

well, find a way to see him away from School lol

 

Life is only ONE and you have to enjoy it... Just Keep it secret. lol

 

I won't say "Don't do it, don't date people from School" because you'll do it anyway. lol

 

So all im going to say is.. if you're going to do it, do it Right. lol

[Karateka_latino]

Now.. Since he's new on School, maybe it just a little crush.. take your time and see what happends.

 

Oh, none can resist the sweet/bitter taste of the forbidden Love. lol

[KickChick]

Well, this is a martial arts related thread isn't it???

 

 

 

I don't believe the "bunny" applies here ...

 

Unfortunately you cannot leave your libido outside the dojo door (well, unless you're married ).. but I'm kind of in agreement with submission on this. Do it right.... don't disrupt you and your class' attention.

 

For more on dating in martial arts class (if it come to that eventually )

 

http://www.karateforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=2809&start=15 ... located in the Martial Arts & Politics Forum......

[monkeygirl]

A lot of us have had this "problem" before, and I for one, can speak from the opposite position: an (assistant) instructor being ... "courted" by a student. I told myself a while ago that I would not date students, end of story. This meant mainly the students under me that I taught, but it also included my peers and superiors. Pretty much, nobody from the dojo. I've even extended this to include family members of students. This was because of an incident a year or two ago, where an instructor got a student's sister pregnant. He was NOT a happy camper.

 

Since you've already had an instructor ask you out, it sounds like your school doesn't discourage instructors from dating students. That's good for you. However, this new Mr. Hotty Instructor might have policies of his own.

 

It's always nice to think that it will work out for you, and your teaching won't be affected, but I'm not sure it does. There are so many things that can go wrong.

 

During the relationship - Special treatment. An instructor will probably pick a "favorite" of the class, they usually do. But this is based on technique and attitude...this "teacher's pet" is meant to be the model for the rest of the class to follow. However, if the "teacher's pet" is also the "teacher's date", then the students may have a slightly different idea of how to get in good favor with an instructor.

 

If Mr. Hotty insructor decides NOT to make you the teacher's pet, are you going to be upset? If your school is the kind that punishes bad/unfocused behavior with pushups, it's hard for an instructor to dish this out to someone he's dating. If you're going to be in a relationship with this guy, then that is a big issue you definitely need to be aware of.

 

If you guys are still going out when you catch up with Mr. Hotty rank-wise, that means you'll probably be in class together. I remember a couple we used to have in the dojo a couple years ago...they were both black belts and skilled fighters. Whenever they had a shouting fight (which was often...they'd been dating on-and-off for 5 years), they'd take it into the dojo... A good example of how heated passion comes in more than one way!

 

After the relationship - I know it's sad to think of it, but all (OK, most) good things come to an end. If you and Mr. Hotty turn out to not be soul mates and break up, that can make for some awkward classes. Especially if it's a break-up on bad terms (and even a break-up on "good terms" can be on bad terms...trust me). Regardless of who ended the relationship, there's probably going to be some injured feelings, and (if you're like me) hostility towards Mr. Hotty. You might start noticing all his little bad habits and imperfections until they drive you nuts

 

*ahem*, let me take a deep breath here. *heave* ok

 

It is very possible to get over this kind of break-up, however, it is also very painful.

 

Before the relationship - OK, let's say that Mr. Hotty doesn't have any policies against dating students. Does he like you back? And is this merely physical attraction, or do you like him for who he is? I ask simply because a relationship in-dojo can really rock your world...whether or not it's a good rock depends on you and how you handle the situation. If you just like him for the eye candy, keep looking, but don't touch. If you're not serious about him, the risk can be a little high.

 

OK now that I've armed you with all the bad things that could happen, let me bring in the good: just like any good relationship, it's going to be happy and fun and great, and he could be the love of your life. Most couple fight though, and that could be scary

 

All of the problems I listed above can be avoided, but not easily, especially in the long-term, when people tend to get tired and forget. The easiest way would be to keep your relationship secret. But people have a knack for finding out. Here's my advice: lots of communication and understanding, and GET THE CHIEF INSTRUCTOR/OWNER'S BLESSING!!! For understanding, remember that the things he does as an instructor, he does because it's his job and the way things get done. A popular solution to in-dojo dating is for one of the people to quit. However, since you've been there for three years, and he's already a blackbelt, I don't think either of you will be willng to leave.

 

I know for a fact that there are successful marriages...both people are blackbelts, have children who have grown up and become blackbelts, and the parents have been married 50+ years. Whether or not the relationships originated in the dojo, they succeed in the dojo.

 

Think about it. If this isn't just physical attraction, and you think he feels the same, go for it. But realize that it might be hard, complicated and risky. I'm not telling you to fear risks, because even if it gets bad, there's always tomorrow. Every relationship can be moved past. My particular in-dojo relationship didn't work out. And it's taken me over a year to fully move on and start looking at other people. It's because of that relationship that I have my zero-dojo-dating policy. However, I've always kept in mind that if I were to meet the Love of my Life, the policy could come down. I don't think that's happening soon, though.

 

Finally: I'm not telling you what to do either way. Just take this info and the rest you'll get from this thread, and make an educated decision. Good luck.

Edited February 20, 2003 by monkeygirl

[monkeygirl]

Hey, wow that's like, the longest post I've ever written. Ever.

[Karateka_latino]

Oh Yes monkey, if you want a girl to talk a lot, make her talk about Boys and gossips. lol!

 

Next time we'll have tea and cookies.

[ramymensa]

With chocolate (the cookies I mean ... ya know ... I'm on a diet in order to gain some weight ... been doing it for 24 years ... doesn't work Well that's another story ...)

 

About the subject here, Monkeygirl, you've said almost everything I could think of, great post ... yeah and long, liked it.

 

I could say Meyou that you should really think of the whole situation. Why do you like the guy? It's the looks (some guys look great in karategi ) are you aready to face all the problems that could arise from this situation, are you perpared to go on with your training as if nothig happened when it's over (I'm not saying it should finish, but sometimes lovestories don't last.)

 

Let me tell you what happened between my best friend a guy in the dojo. As you've already guessed they got into a relationship. It ended in few months and here I was offering shoulders to cry on and good advices. They got in the stage of just friends, but it was quite hard.