*waves hello*

[twistkick kid]

Long time no post-

I fell off the internet again. Between life, karate, and work, I kind of forgot the internet exists and is a good thing.

Should probably re-introduce myself

Short story long (or long story short, I'm not sure which), here goes!

I started my journey in the martial arts as some children do- reluctantly. I had no aspirations of becoming a ninja or Power Ranger. There was no desire to be like Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee. I kinda wanted to be like Mulan, but I wasn’t sure it could happen. How’s a kid going to get to China, much less save the country? At 7½ years old, I was the smallest girl in class, the shyest, and (according to the bullies) the dorkiest. I had wildly curly hair with bangs, a very soft voice, preferred to read at recess instead of play sports, and was the only kid from Kindergarten to 2nd Grade who wore glasses. That combination made me the perfect target for all the school bullies- no matter what I did I couldn’t get away from them. My mom noticed, and talked to her friend M. M is a Tae Kwon Do instructor, and thought that having me do that might help with some of the bullying problems. M talked to me, and I reluctantly said “I’ll try a class, but I probably won’t like it.” A few days later, my entire life would change (even though I didn’t get the impact at the time). I went to the trial class and got to try all things Tae Kwon Do. I felt powerful and strong, and was instantly hooked on TKD! After the lesson was over, I eagerly looked for my mom and M. They both asked me “Did you like it?” My response “Like it? I LOVED IT! I want to be a Black Belt!” Next thing I know I’m trying on a brand new TKD uniform and mom telling me “Your first official class is Monday.” Soon enough, I’m trying my hand at sparring, breaking boards, and even competing at local tournaments! I l had so much fun, and I was becoming way more self-confident.

Eight years later, and now I’m preparing for my 1st Degree Black Belt test. I’m still short, but no longer the only kid in my grade with glasses. I’ve also by some stroke of luck found a hairstyle that suits my wild hair. I still dealt with the occasional bully, but was much better equipped to handle it. As an athletic and smart freshman (almost sophomore) in high school, I learned to navigate the confusing social circles between the “nerds” and “jocks.” However, my sanctuary was still in the TKD school. Any restlessness, whether internal or external, melted away when I stepped on the mats. If my homework was done and my schedule was free, I’d beg mom to take me to TKD so I could train or teach. I’m not exactly sure when or why I fell so in love with teaching, but my instructor took notice of that. He asked me to start teaching sections of classes, and it snowballed into taking over the entire day under indirect supervision. The knowledge and understanding gained from teaching helped me pass my Black Belt test, and begin the leap to realizing my passion- to share what I learn in martial arts and why I love it.

Fast forward two more years and I’m now preparing to enter my senior year of high school. Even with the challenges of high school sports, AP classes, and family struggles, I spent as much time as humanly possible in the TKD school. After earning my Black Belt, I joined a program through my school to become an instructor. I took extra classes on teaching methodologies, how people learn, and how to effectively teach children. However, I found it difficult to teach my own peers- and I felt intimidated. Many of them were much older than me (I was 17 and they were in their 30s and 40s), and it was a battle of wits to get them to accept that yes, anyone can be a teacher- even a young person. Eventually, what I lacked in age and life experiences was outclassed by the fact that I was detail oriented, good at working with the kids, and had a few more years of training under my belt than many of my classmates in the program. I’m glad I didn’t give up. Somewhere in the midst of my junior year, I was tapped to test for my 2nd Degree Black Belt. I also discovered that there was a feeling inside me that something wasn’t right, but I suppressed and did everything possible to ignore it. I thought ignoring the feeling would make the things I was feeling go away, but it caused me to be someone I really wasn’t. After struggling with various aspects of my 2nd Degree test, I didn’t quite make the cut. I was given a second chance, and I did much better. However, even passing my 2nd Degree test didn’t make that inner distress leave. I felt lost and insecure, but I pushed it aside to finish high school and get into college.

It's 2012. I’m a junior chemistry major at a school 500 miles away from everything I’ve grown up with- including my Tae Kwon Do school. Even though I never found a TKD school I felt comfortable training in, I still practiced what I was able to, whether in the halls of my dorm, out on the grass, or in the gym. Despite practicing, I never felt the way I used to… that feeling of sanctuary was gone. Realizing that this was a bigger problem than what I had made it out to be and that I despised how it made me feel, I started seeing a counsellor for what I thought was some kind of depression. This was only partially true. Yes, I had really bad depression, but I also was realizing a root cause of my inner tension- who AM I? What makes me who I am? Girl or boy?

A year, much relentless researching, and many crying sessions in the counselling center later, I finally understood where that internal restlessness was coming from. I had really bad gender dysphoria. With that discovery came an ultimatum of sorts- live my truth and come out as transgender or continue to suffer by not coming out. At the time, I knew coming out could cost me jobs, friends, family, and potentially more. However, if I didn’t live as my true self, I would likely not see my 22nd birthday or beyond. I came out slowly, first to online friends, then to more and more people in my offline life. Some people refused to accept it, others thought it was “just a weird phase.” A few friends hesitated at first but came around later.

I finished up all the on-campus coursework for my degree and moved home at the beginning of 2014. Slowly but surely I was growing into my new self. I was being read as male in social situations. People began calling me Joe instead of my old name. Sadly, it wasn’t happening in the place I needed to feel the safest- my TKD school. I gave it time, but no matter what I said or did, nobody referred to me as a male or called me my preferred name. Eventually, I worked up the nerve to have a discussion about it with my instructor. It ended poorly, and I promised myself that I would rather live my truth with integrity than the truth someone else builds for me. I almost walked away from martial arts entirely that night.

The first few months of 2015 were spent searching for a new martial arts home. I looked at some schools, but none seemed to fit me. No adult program, class times that didn’t work for my schedule, trying a class and not feeling comfortable with the instructor, the instructor not wanting to acknowledge I had prior martial arts training- you name it. After looking at 7 schools in different styles, I was ready to abandon martial arts entirely because I couldn’t find a place to train that felt safe. I told myself that if I didn’t find a place to train by the end of May 2015, my martial arts career would be over and there would be no looking back.

Well, I managed to find a new dojo, and just in time. Out on a walk one evening, I walked past USSD 4S Ranch. I went about 20 more steps, then turned around, walked back, and opened the door. I had walked past the building many times- heck, I even remember when it was built! But something about walking past it this time was different. It felt like a magnet was pulling me into the building, and I couldn’t ignore it. I was so scared it would end badly, but I shoved that feeling aside and asked to speak to the instructor about trying some classes.

In I went, hesitantly. Out I walked, confidently. I started over as a white belt, but quickly rose through the ranks and rediscovered my passion for teaching. As I grew in the martial arts with USSD, I grew as a person. Sure, I still have glasses, I’m still soft-spoken, and my short hair might be wrestling with the hair gel on a daily basis. But I’ve learned to be respectful and how to stand up for myself. I’m more confident. I’m better at engaging my students and their parents. I now know that being me is the best thing- trying to live as something/someone you’re not doesn’t work. It’s not easy to live as your authentic self, but it is worth it. Trust me… it’s been the best thing I’ve done, even with the struggles of self-acceptance and the recognition of others

My 3 years with USSD have been a rollercoaster of a time- from re-discovering my love for tournaments, to recovery from 2 major surgeries (hip and abdominal), to joining the Academy for Martial Arts Instruction and Management, to burning out on teaching because I didn’t know when to say “I’m overwhelmed,” to travelling overseas and testing in the Shaolin Temple for my Shodan (1st Black Belt). I’ve had times where I’ve been doubtful of my abilities and times of confidence in them.

Hopefully this year I don't fall off the internet again- I rather missed this forum!

-Joe

[sensei8]

Welcome back to KF, twistkick kid; glad that you've returned!!

[JR 137]

Welcome back, Joe. Glad to see you again. And thanks for sharing all you have shared with us.

[Chunmonchek]

It's a pleasure to meet you TwistKick Kid. I liked your post and look forward to more of your writings.

[Wastelander]

Welcome back!

[Fat Cobra]

Welcome back!

[tallgeese]

Glad to have you back!

[twistkick kid]

thank you all for the welcome back!

*note to self... post more here!*

[bushido_man96]

Welcome back!

[singularity6]

That's certainly quite a journey!

While I have not walked in your shoes, I do realize that a lot of folks have a hard time understand things that aren't binary.

Thanks for sharing, Joe.