bad blood

[Shizentai]

Sometimes in life, long-held friends part ways. Although this can be very sad, two people who perhaps had much in common as kids don't always have much in common as adults. When this is the case, it can be healthy to move on. However, the dojo does not allow for this as a possibility. So how best do we deal with this?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, due to a particular relationship in my life. I'm trying to simply be polite and cordial, and let things proceed as they may without my being actively involved. I can't help but feel like there is no way out at times when gossip from the other side finds its way to me after the fact though. I'm not afraid of what unknown stuff is being said about me so much, but I am afraid of losing closeness with my karate family. Has anyone had similar experiences?

[bushido_man96]

This happens just about everywhere we go in life, be it the MA school, the workplace, school, etc. Any time you get a group of human beings together, these kinds of things rear their head. Its pretty unavoidable, unfortunately.

What one must consider within these groups, is how close-knit the group as a whole is together, and how big the group is. Smaller groups can make it more uncomfortable than in big groups. One also has to consider if it is the group as a whole that is affecting you, or if it is a vocal minority that is the issue.

Me personally, I would not want to give up a situation I enjoy being in because a few others in the group want to make it less enjoyable for me. If I do, then they've won, and got what they wanted.

Do you feel you are going to lose closeness with your Karate family because of what is being said, or if you would choose to leave? If it were me, I'd choose not to leave, and try to work through things as best I can. Over time, things tend to settle, cooler heads prevail, and relationships will begin to mend themselves.

Just out of curiosity, was this a former personal relationship that was ended or went sour, or something else entirely?

[MatsuShinshii]

This is just a fact of life and will happen throughout your life.

Since you did not go into any detail of the situation, I would say you have four choices; 1. ignore what is said and let it be their problem and not your's. 2. Confront the individual and settle the dispute between the two of you. 3. Get the instructor involved IF it is disrupting your training. 4. Find another school.

Personally I would not let someones opinion direct my life. Let the issue be there's and just train. Its a personal journey and they have no power over it's direction unless you give them that power.

Having said that if it is creating issues for you where you feel like you're going to need to leave or it is effecting your relationships with other in the school I would first confront this individual to see if it can be worked out and if that did not work I would definitely speak with the instructor about it and see if that doesn't solve the issue.

I would imagine that the instructor is already aware of the issue but is allowing the two of you to deal with it or until it disrupts the class.

[singularity6]

I thought this was what sparring was for!

[Shizentai]

Just out of curiosity, was this a former personal relationship that was ended or went sour, or something else entirely?

This was never a romantic relationship if that is what you mean. This person was just my friend. I'd rather not go into details about why we are not on good terms in an open forum, in respect of both of our privacy. I just wish there was some way I could come to training without us both being uncomfortable, being that what I think is most needed right now is space. This is someone who doesn't actually train, but who has become very close-knit with many people in the dojo, and hence is at most events and after-training hangouts. I think the only thing I can do is to endure and to be as kind as I can.

[sensei8]

Just because one is a human being, it doesn't mean that that person knows how to act like a human being.

I've not the time, nor the inclination to worry about what people say or might say because they just don't matter to me, especially their opinion(s). In my life, only my wife, Linda, and our two kids, Nathan and Krystal, opinions matter to me.

People come and people go, this is a sad, as well as an enjoyable, part of life. Marital Art life is no different!! When students leave of their own accord, there's nothing I can do about it because it's their business. Whenever a student leaves of my accord, there's nothing that they can do about it.

I've not missed every student, however, I've missed more than I've not missed because a bond between student and Sensei, depending on how long the relationship has been, is a real, and often times, personal, yet professional one.

Albeit, the one maxim that I do believe in says...

"Don't get personally involved with students, no matter what!!" Sometimes, that's much easier said than done!! Dai-Soke had his inner circle, and I was fortunate enough to be a part of it. I've my own inner circle as well, a very small hand full of trusted students, and this is where I've failed the maxim above.

Oftentimes, judgement can be askew when that maxim is cast aside like a molded washrag. This maxim makes the dojo a sad and lonely one, and in this, I've laughed and cried whenever a student has to leave, no matter the cause.

But, talking about me behind my back and things like that, GO FOR IT!! I could care less because of what John Lydgate said...

“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”.

Time is too short...life is too short!!

I just want to train and teach!! Anything else...BIG DEAL!!

[Spartacus Maximus]

There are but a few things that can completely and utterly destroy a long-term friendship. Most disagreements can be overcome if there is enough time and a will to do it. When the only possible thing to do is to move on, it should be without any negative feelings like anger or resentment.

It can be hard to accept that someone is somehow different in attitude, priorities or other ways. If one truly believes in the other’s quality of character, it ought to be possible to part ways but remain open to catching up and renewing the friendship whenever and if ever it becomes possible again no matter how far each party drifts away.