Weird scenario, married man, female friend in dojo

[Judodad_karateson]

My wife doesn't like...

I'm going to stop you right there. Are you happy with your wife? If yes is the answer, then its over with the TKD babe. If what you are doing is making your wife uncomfortable, and you don't want your wife uncomfortable, the answer is simple. Hard, but simple. Sorry buddy, but you will be happier in the long run if you abide by her wishes on these types of things.

[CTTKDKing]

Very sound advice above.

Keep in mind that just when you think everything is going well, watch out for the curve balls..........

Us guys sometimes aren't the quickest to read the situation.

(From my personal experience anyway!)

Good luck.

Ha ha, noted.

[DWx]

I don't want to sound like the voice of impending doom but I've seen first hand far too many relationships develop outside of marriages through a couple of people getting together to train on the side (nearly into the double figures). If you're going to do it, be very clear about where your boundaries are and be very open with your wife about it.

[CTTKDKing]

I don't want to sound like the voice of impending doom but I've seen first hand far too many relationships develop outside of marriages through a couple of people getting together to train on the side (nearly into the double figures). If you're going to do it, be very clear about where your boundaries are and be very open with your wife about it.

Boundaries are set and clear, and the wife will be included in the training sessions as an observer and new student when she's ready to try it, and will be informed of (and if she wants to at the time, included on) any communication between myself and my friend from karate, so I think we are ok now.

The reason this developed into a thing at all is mostly because I'm a bone head. In my line of work at my day job it's nothing to email a link to share something like a document or fire a text message to someone. So when she (karate friend) wanted to contribute to the project and had some incite to add, my brain jumped into work project mode and I sent her a link sharing a document on Google docs and communicating about it via text. The bone headed part was, because I don't think anything about that, I never mentioned it to the wife because in my work life it's a 2nd nature thing. Not telling her made it seem like i was hiding something which was totally unintentional but put her on high alert.

I've showed my wife all the communications that have happened that she didn't know about to make it all transparent, and my friend's responses to my messages detailing my married man boundaries and she is comfortable now. Us guys don't always pick up on things in lady land well, but as she read the messages and specifically my friend's response to my message about setting boundaries, I saw her face relax and she has been astronomically happier since then.

My friend totally respects the boundaries that I've set and wanted to pass on to the wife that she meant no harm and wishes she could explain that we are platonic friends and nothing more but will keep her distance for now to respect the newly formed boundaries. She also threw in, not knowing I was going to show the message to my wife, that from what I've told her about my wife she "sounds like an amazing person that she would like to get to know and be friends with if possible".

You concern about training alone is noted, but I doubt we shall be training alone in anyway.

I do appreciate, your and everyone here's honesty on the subject though. It's easy to say you agree with my pov in my initial post, but sometimes harder to point out when someone is playing with fire. Thankfully this worked out, but looking back at the situation I can see how it could have been dangerous over time. I have many female friends, always have. I grew up with a little sister and all her friends were over my house constantly so I'm very comfortable around girls and maintaining non-romantic relationships with them, but just because I am, doesn't mean the girls are used to having non-romantic relationships with guys and that can still cause problems without my reciprocation.

Thanks again everyone.

[sensei8]

I'd appease the wife, and direct the female student to other avenues for assistance. Why? Your wife, imho, is paramount with no ambiguity. What front do you want to help; your home life or a female student. It's a tough decision to make. But is it?!?

As an instructor, we're not bound by some ethic rule that says we must help...like a doctor who's vowed to care for the patient before them. Sure, we want to help in any capacity that we can, but, an instructor is there to teach the MA and the like.

Having said that, do what YOUR heart directs you, the decision you make, while difficult, will make all of the difference in someone's life. Nonetheless, there's a saying...If the wife isn't happy, nobody else will be either!! Both, your wife and this female student have solid reasons, and experiences that must be taken in consideration. I don't envy the situation that you're in!

I sound cold, but I'm not.

I hear you. We've talked several times since last night when this all came to a head, and I think we are at a good spot. I contacted my friend and spelled out the boundaries that we need as a married couple, and she fully understood and agreed to all terms without question. Her response was supportive of my decision and she also wanted me to pass sentiment that no harm was meant toward my wife, to my wife, and that based on what I've told her, my wife sounds like a wonderful person and she'd love to try and get to know her because she doesn't have many friends around here as she's only lived here for a little over a year. I showed my wife the message thread for maximum transparency.

This went a long way with my wife and her comfort level with the whole situation. As part of the agreement our contact outside the dojo will be limited to emails specifically about the curriculum I'm putting together and when I'm going to talk to my friend I'll let my wife know before hand. My wife is comfortable with all of this and my friend is fully supportive of the restrictions, so I think through all of this, everyone is going to come out happy.

Thank you for all of your inputs. This was a weird situation as the title says and I was unsure exactly where to go. I've been a member on this site for a long time, and while i'm not a heavy poster like sensei8 I've always checked out karateforums for any serious discussion on real world martial arts topics. I'm glad I could come here to discuss this. While not exactly martial arts related, it does involve a certain element of my life crossing to my martial arts life and opinions from other real martial artists helped.

Peace to you all.

Glad to read that things are working out for all parties concerned in this difficult situation across the board! I believe that as long as all of the parameters are respected, a long, fruitful relationship can exist, not for just some time, but for all time.

Speaking for myself, I'm glad that I was able to help you with some advice to ponder over for decisions sake. Imho, appeasing your wife was both tantamount as well as paramount in the decision you had to make!!

[Spartacus Maximus]

It is well that the OP seems to have found an acceptable solution. The situation described was quite difficult and the best solution would probably be to avoid it in the first place.

The simplest way of preventing this type of uncomfortable situation is to always stay open and only teach in groups at the dojo or any other place agreed upon by everyone.

Refuse any kind of private teaching sessions or teaching outside the dojo. Make it a point that anyone may attend and insist that the concerned person(wife, girlfriend etc) participate and observe as many sessions or classes as possible. This will go a long way to ease any worries.

[sensei8]

It is well that the OP seems to have found an acceptable solution. The situation described was quite difficult and the best solution would probably be to avoid it in the first place.

The simplest way of preventing this type of uncomfortable situation is to always stay open and only teach in groups at the dojo or any other place agreed upon by everyone.

Refuse any kind of private teaching sessions or teaching outside the dojo. Make it a point that anyone may attend and insist that the concerned person(wife, girlfriend etc) participate and observe as many sessions or classes as possible. This will go a long way to ease any worries.

Solid post!!

To the bold type above...

Any time that I've had students on my Private Lesson calendar, I'd schedule an assistant with me, and I'd always invite the student to bring someone with them, if possible. What I've experienced is that Private Lessons are an important part of the P&L per quarter, and into the Year End, as well. I do draw the line with teaching at my home or someone's home because that's the reason for having the dojo to begin with...to teach AT the dojo!!