got jokes???

[SaiFightsMS]

Hillary

 

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when

 

she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek

 

below.

 

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were

 

fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she

 

offered the kids whatever they wanted.

 

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."

 

Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special

 

senator's airplane "

 

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

 

Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael

 

sign them!!"

 

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in

 

TV and stereo headset!"

 

Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look

 

like you're handicapped."

 

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your a$$

 

from drowning

[KickChick]

Richard Smith, a blind man, enters a bar where it happens to be Ladies Night. He finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

 

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. The woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

 

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Kiddo]

Jokes?! You want JOKES?!

 

Well here ya go:

 

A man walks into a bar: "ow"

 

Your mommas so dumb she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death

 

Your mommas so dumb she got run over by a parked car

 

Your mommas so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone

 

Your mommas so fat she went down the stairs and they said "1 at a time please"

 

Your momma smells so bad I look forward to her farts.

 

A sheriff walks into a saloon/bar thing one day and goes to the bar tender:

 

"have you seen a man with a brown paper bag hat, brown paper bag shirt, brown paper bag trousers and brown paper bag shoes?"

 

The bartender replies: "No I haven't, rustle" (never got that joke myself..."

 

How do you drown a submarine full of blondes? You knock on the hatch.. (No offense blondes out there... I'm one too!)

 

Blonde Inventions:

 

Solar Powered Lamp

 

Helicopter ejection seat

 

 

 

What's a blondes chat up line? "NEXT!"

 

What's a brunettes chat up line? "Are the blondes gone yet?"

 

How does a blonde turn on the light after a "good night out" ? Open the car door

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side...

 

David Beckham was really nervous because tomorrow he had a very important football match so he asked his manager (sven o' course) how could he stop himself from being too nervous and get a good nights sleep.

 

Sven replied: "Do a jugsaw puzzle"

 

So that night David went home and started his puzzle. But later Sven was disturbed by a phone call.

 

It was David.

 

"David? It's 2 in the bloomin' morning! what are you doing?!"

 

"sorry sir, it's just I really need help on this puzzle!"

 

"errgh. Fine then.. Whats the picture on the box?"

 

"It's an orange tiger..."

 

Sven thinks for a minute....

 

"Oh for god's sake David put the FROSTED FLAKES away and go to sleep!"

 

 

 

No offense David.. It can also be a blonde joke just couldn't think of a beginning for that.....

 

 

 

Now for a grand finalie with my favourite!

 

A women is walking down the street on her way to work when she suddenly stops in amazement:

 

There's a man, jumping up and down on a manhole cover shouting at the top of his lungs "SEVENTEEN! SEVENTEEEEN!"

 

The lady decides to be brave and talk to this man. She walks up to him and politely says:

 

"Excuse me sir,"

 

"SEVENTEEN! SEVENTE-eh what?"

 

"I was just wondering, what on Earth are you doing?"

 

"Ooo. Yes, what am I doing? Well every morning on the way to work I stop and start jumping up and down on a manhole cover shouting seventeen..."

 

"But why?" The women asks curiously...

 

"Well it gives you a morning rush you see... Look, try it!"

 

"Oh, no. I don't think I will thanks..."

 

"No, go on! Try it!

 

"Oh, ok then. If I have to..."

 

So the man walks backwards off the manhole cover and the women steps onto it... She makes the puniest jump I've ever seen and whispers:

 

"Seventeen?"

 

The man laughs and replies: "No! You have to jump HIGH and shout LOUD... Try again! It's fun! You'll see!"

 

So the women starts again but gradually gets higher in her jumps and louder with her shouts: "Seventeen! Seventeen! SEVENTEEN! SEVENTEEEEEEN!"

 

Now just as she makes a really high jump the man crouches down and pulls away the manhole cover, the women, as expected "Goes SEVENTEEN! SEVENTEEN! SEVENTE-AAHHH ****!"

 

Now the man pulls the manhole cover back on and starts jumping and shouting at the top of his voice: "EIGHTEEN! EIGHTEEEEEEN!"

 

 

 

Thats my favourite!

 

Is it just me or has this smily just found something on the internet he shouldn't have?

 

Thank you! I'll be here all night! Make sure to tip your admins!

 

Good night!

[ZR440]

A pirate walks into a bar ...

 

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a

 

steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you've got a

 

steering wheel on your pants."

 

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

[SaiFightsMS]

Pet smart

 

Four men were talking about their pet cats.

 

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

 

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat," T-square, do your stuff."

 

T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

 

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

 

Everyone agreed that was good.

 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff.

 

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

 

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, What can YOUR cat do? The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff"

 

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually harassed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[oot_man]

Ok this is my first post ever to this site!!

 

What do Saddam and Little Miss Muffet have in common?

 

They both have Kurds in there way!!

 

How do you stop an Iraqie Tank?

 

You shoot the guy pushing it!

[ZR440]

Ah, there's nothing like starting off your first post with a few jokes to loosen up the audience, right?

 

Please say hi in the introduction section if you haven't already done so.

 

And welcome to the Forums.

[BigGuy]

O'malley is drinking in the bar one night and orders another drink.

 

The bartender cuts him of and tells him hes had too much to drink and that he needs to go home.

 

O'Malley stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He trys to get up and falls again. He drags himself out the door and trys to stand up again. FLOP right on his face. He only lives a block or so away so he drags himself home. He trys to stand at the door but falls again. he crawls up the staris and trys to stand one last time and falls on the bed where he passes out for the night.

 

The next morning he wakes to his wife shaking him and yelling at him..

 

"you were at the bar last night wern't you" she said

 

"no my dear" repies O'Malley

 

"Yes you were....I know you were" his wife says

 

"Ok ok how did you know" says O'malley

 

"Frank the bartender called ....you left your wheelchair there again"

[BKJ1216]

I only have dirty jokes so uhhh i guess I can't participate.

[HachiKyu]

Whats the difference between a women and a battery? ( No offense to the women out there)

 

A battery has a positive side.