got jokes???

[SaiFightsMS]

The top 10 things cats would do if they had access to computers!

 

10. Break into Vets computer and erase their appointments, And schedule the dog down the street for FULL range of shots.

 

9. Keep a log of lives used.

 

8. Access Dogs records of buried bones and change it.

 

7. Using a CAD program design a better mouse trap.

 

6. Print a time table of the best window to lay in to catch the best sun.

 

5. Play with the mouse.

 

4. Use Fax card to send junk mail back to Dog.

 

3. Set a schedule for time for eating and sleeping.

 

2. Leave E-mail to humans telling them it is time to change litter box.

 

1. Play chase with the cursor.

 

 

[chh]

Thought you might appreciate this one, Sai (if you haven't seen it already).

 

http://www.debsfunpages.com/lettertodog.htm

[SaiFightsMS]

Thanks for the thought Chh.

 

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,

 

because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

 

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bath robe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead".

 

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry!"

 

 

[KickChick]

Joe and John were identical twins.

 

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of

 

out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all

 

that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

 

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the

 

grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so

 

sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

 

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort

 

of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her

 

bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was

 

always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she

 

leaked like crazy."

 

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those

 

four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

 

The old woman fainted.

[SaiFightsMS]

Here's a smile to make your day. Enjoy.

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just

 

inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of

 

nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

 

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he

 

thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to

 

investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for

 

you, one for me."

 

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord

 

dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode

 

off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come

 

here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the

 

Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

 

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing

 

by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for

 

me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if

 

we can see the Lord himself."

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to

 

see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of

 

the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me."

 

And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get

 

those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

 

... They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of

 

the boy on the bike.

[Ti-Kwon-Leap]

Bill Gates had a baby girl recently and named her "Phoebe Adelle Gates" (true)

 

The thing is, I keep picturing "Steven" (from the tv ads) walking up to Bill and saying:

 

"Dude, you got Adelle"!

[GoldDragon]

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

 

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

 

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

 

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

 

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

 

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

 

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

 

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

 

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

 

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

 

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

 

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

 

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

 

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

 

But at least now he smells a lot better.

 

** Gold Dragon** [/b]

[kicker]

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

 

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

 

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

[ZR440]

Sobriety Test

 

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the man. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

 

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my a$$ on to jail, there's no way

 

in h*ll I can pass that test!"

[LightFighterZero]

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''

 

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''

 

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''