got jokes???

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there is osama bin laden , sadaam hussain, and mullah omar,

 

and you have only have two bullets in a gun

 

what do you do??

 

**** bin laden twice ,

 

eyyyyy :brow:

[SaiFightsMS]

Okay Spinning let's try this. The trick is the question. Your mother and father have a child but not your brother or sister. They are talking about you.

 

The joke is Mr Helms fails the test. So he asks for help. Mr Powell passes the test. But when Mr Helms reports the answer to Mr Clinton, it is Mr Clinton who ultimately fails the test. A chain reaction of misapplying a mind game.

 

 

[SBN Doug]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were

 

giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[SBN Doug]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink

 

Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

 

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

 

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

 

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

 

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight

 

And folding his arms across his chest, "That a few intersections back,

 

Your wife fell out of your car?"

 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there,

 

I thought I'd gone deaf."

[SBN Doug]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

 

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.

 

"I've somethin' terrible important ta tell ya."

 

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,Tim. But where's my husband?"

 

"That's what I'm here ta be tellin' ya, Brenda.

 

There were an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

 

Finally, she looked up at Tim.

 

"How did it happen, Tim?"

 

"It was terrible, Brenda.

 

He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout And drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, no Brenda... no.

 

Fact is, he got out three times to pee." ==================================== Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady After his Sunday morning service,

 

And she's in tears.

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

 

My husband passed away last night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.."

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

 

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, Put down that damn gun...'

[SBN Doug]

This may put me in bad standing with some of the gals, but I gotta help my team.

 

NEW MATH

 

> > > > > ROMANCE ARITHMETIC

 

Smart man + smart woman = romance

 

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

 

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

 

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

> > > > > OFFICE MATHEMATICS

 

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

 

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

 

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

 

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 

> > > > > SHOPPING MATH

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 

> > > > > GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS > > > > >

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

> > > > > HAPPINESS

 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 

> > > > > LONGEVITY

 

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

> > > > > MEMORY

 

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

> > > > > APPEARANCE

 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

> > > > > PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she > does.

 

> > > > > DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

> > > > > COMPREHENSION

 

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman...before marriage and after marriage.

 

> > > > > HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED. > > > > >

 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs cackling, telling me, "you're next." They stopped doing this after I did the same thing to them at funerals.

 

 

[SBN Doug]

>Real Signs!

 

> >>IN A LAUNDROMAT:

 

Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

 

> >>IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

 

> >>IN AN OFFICE:

 

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

 

> >>IN ANOTHER OFFICE:

 

After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

 

> >>ON A CHURCH DOOR::

 

This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

 

> >>OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP:

 

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

 

>>QUICKSAND WARNING:

 

Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

 

> >>NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW:

 

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

 

> >>IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:

 

Closed due to illness.

 

> >>SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:

 

Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

 

> >>SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE:

 

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

 

> >>NOTICE IN A FIELD:

 

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

 

> >>MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET:

 

If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

 

> >>ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:

 

We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

 

> >>SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK:

 

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

[kicker]

Why did the blonde go in the frezzer when her computer froze??

 

She thought She could fix her problem

 

 

[KickChick]

Blonde joke -

 

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

 

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

 

After sitting there for awhile,

 

he yells to the bartender,

 

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

 

"Before you tell that joke, sir,

 

you should know five things .....

 

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

 

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

 

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

 

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

 

Now think about it seriously, Mister.

 

Do you still wanna tell that joke?

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

 

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

 

 

[kicker]

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''

 

''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''

 

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.