got jokes???

[kickboxerboy]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

 

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

 

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

 

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

 

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[kicker]

A man walks into a book store and asks the blonde clerk if she could tell him where the "self-help" area is.

 

She replied, "Of course I can, but that would defeat the purpose, now wouldn't it?"

 

 

[Gloi]

A corny joke just for today....

 

A little lad asks him mum 'Mam, why is our Patrick called Patrick?'

 

'That's because he was born on St Patrick's day son'

 

'Why's our George called George'

 

That's because he was born on St George's day son'

 

'Why's our Andrew called Andrew?'

 

'He was born on St Andrew's day, now go away and stop asking so many questions, Pancake.'

[kicker]

A blonde walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

 

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

 

"Yes," says the blonde.

 

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

 

"Hey!" says the blonde as she pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

 

 

[SBN Doug]

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

 

So, he asks the man his name.

 

"Fred," he replies.

 

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

 

"Just Fred," the man responds.

 

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

 

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

 

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got

 

older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical

 

school, internship, and residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry

 

so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

 

The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning.

[kicker]

A blonde woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

 

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

 

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

 

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, the blonde said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

Kenny the Rooster

 

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

 

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk.

 

I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

 

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

 

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

 

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures are circling overhead.

 

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

 

 

[kicker]

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

 

A: A Space Invader.

 

Q: What's a blondes' favorite rock group?

 

A: Air Supply.

 

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?

 

A: The back of her head.

 

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?

 

A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

 

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?

 

A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

 

Q: Why did God create blondes?

 

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

 

Q: Why did God create brunettes?

 

A: Neither could the blondes.

 

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?

 

A: Branch Manager.

 

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

 

A: She fell out of the tree.

 

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

 

A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

 

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

 

A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

 

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?

 

A: A blonde electrician.

 

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

 

A: So brunettes can remember them.

 

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

 

A: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.

 

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

 

A: So men can understand them.

 

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

 

A: A golden retriever.

 

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

 

A: A labrador.

 

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

 

A: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

 

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?

 

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

 

 

[YODA]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.

 

Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

 

 

 

[YODA]

"The Man Code"

 

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE:

 

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

 

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

 

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

 

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSH#T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

 

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

 

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

 

9. *****ing about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

 

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

 

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

 

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

 

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

 

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

 

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

 

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

 

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

 

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

 

21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

 

24.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

 

25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

 

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

 

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

 

29.If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

 

30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye,and deliver a "F*%$ OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

 

31.The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just friends" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.