got jokes???

[SaiFightsMS]

A Strong Man Joke From the IRS

 

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

 

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

 

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

 

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

 

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

 

 

[kicker]

A blonde is swerving down the road and gets pulled over.

 

The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test."

 

The blonde says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit."

 

The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test."

 

The blonde says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place."

 

The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line."

 

The blonde says, "I can't."

 

The cop says, "Why not?"

 

The blonde says, "Because I'm drunk. Didn't you see the way I was driving!"

 

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

3rd Grade Smart

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

 

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

 

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

 

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

 

Harry: "9".

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Harry: "36".

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

 

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

 

Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

 

Harry: "Pants"

 

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

 

Harry: Coconut

 

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

 

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

 

Harry: Bubble gum

 

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

 

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

 

Harry: Shake hands

 

Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

 

Harry: Firetruck

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong"

 

 

[kicker]

Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks. The first blonde says "They're deer tracks." The second blonde says "They're bear tracks." The third blonde says "They're moose tracks." Then a train hits them.

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

Well the cat chatters really loved this one so let's see if I can tell it in such a manner as not to offend any one or upset Patrick.

 

A lady had a dog she dearly loved but it snored very loudly. And as it slept beside her bed it was getting to be a problem. While at the vet she asked him if there was anything that could be done to stop the dog's snoring.

 

Well says the vet there is one remedy. When he starts snoring you tie something around his erhummm, for lack of a more acceptable word, family jewels.

 

That night the lady goes to bed. The dog lays down next to her bed. Before to long the lady is awakened by the dreaded snoring. So she gets up goes to a drawer and finds a blue ribbon. She ties it around the dogs.......

 

Later on her husband comes home. And he is fairly drunk. He gets in bed and is soon snoring loudly. So the lady thinks well if it worked on the dog maybe it will work on him. So she gets up goes back to the dresser and finds a red ribbon. She ties it to her husbands....

 

Next morning the husband gets up all hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. He comes out with a very puzzled expression. Then he sees the dog.

 

So he says, "I don't know where we were or what we did last night but we came in first and second."

 

 

[kicker]

Joke

 

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.

 

Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."

 

Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"

 

"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."

 

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

Is the seal broken?

 

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

 

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

 

"What are you doing," his mother asked?

 

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

 

 

[kicker]

At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

 

"It won't work," explained the blonde. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

Granny Farts

 

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

 

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

 

The doctor says,

 

"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

 

[kicker]

Joke

 

A blonde woman went with her girlfriend to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, she breathlessly informed her husband, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

 

"How did you know that?" asked her husband.

 

"My girlfriend picked them up and looked underneath," she explained. "I think it's printed on the bottom."