got jokes???

[SaiFightsMS]

Kicker that was hilarious :spitlaugh:

 

There's a guy who owns a parrot that swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

 

One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

 

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

 

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet . At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door.

 

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?"

 

 

[kicker]

lol sai that was a good one

 

 

 

A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and says, "Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"

 

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

 

The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

That was funny :lol:

 

Buttercups

 

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!....she was gone. After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the *****willows." Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

 

 

[kicker]

LMAO @ sai

 

There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago. She boards the plane and sits in the first class area. The flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."

 

The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."

 

The flight attendant leaves and explains the situation to the head flight attendant. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."

 

The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."

 

The flight attendants look at each other in amazement and decide to get assistance from the captain. A few minutes later, the captain approaches her and says, "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."

 

The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."

 

The captain shakes his head, then bends down and whispers in the blonde's ear. A moment later, she gets up from her seat suddenly, grabs her luggage, and rushes over to the coach area.

 

One of the flight attendants asks the captain, "What on Earth did you say to her?"

 

The captain explains, "I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."

 

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Does anyone have any idea why blondes are such wonderfull subjects for jokes?

 

 

[kicker]

No but I guess there an easy target to make fun of well they always have blonds not blacks or browns or red heds

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

A Bunny And A Snake

 

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

 

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

 

'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.'

 

'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

 

'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

 

The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.'

 

 

[dreamer38f]

What's the difference between a man with a cold and a boxer?

 

One blows his nose, and the other knows his blows

[SaiFightsMS]

A woman walks into a shop that sells VERY EXPENSIVE PERSIAN RUGS.

 

She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

 

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

 

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

 

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

 

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is.

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

Okay I was the last one to submit a joke but it has been a while and this one is one for the blonde women about the blonde men.

 

Blonde Construction Worker

 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna" again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

 

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

 

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

 

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."