got jokes???

[GoldDragon]

~ Halloween Rules ~

 

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remembera few

 

simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!

 

Please use these helpful hints this and every year!!!

 

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

 

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

 

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

 

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

 

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

 

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

 

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

 

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!

 

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

 

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

 

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

 

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

 

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

 

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

 

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

 

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, hoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

 

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple uns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

 

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

 

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

 

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

 

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

 

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

 

 

 

[Kickbutt]

Hahahahahahaha!!! You guys are killing me!! So many good jokes at once, I love it!! KickChick, I'm gonna cut and paste yours and send it around! Toooooooo funny.... !!

 

Lori

 

 

[taezee]

a couple on vacation in cape cod walk into a antiuqe shope and after a few minutes spot a brass rat which was beautifully sculpted..they haggle with the shopkeeper on a price and finally he says okay i sell it to you for $150 but its final sale ..under no circumstance can you bring it back..so they leave..as they are walking back to thier hotel they notice 2 rats have come out of an alley and started following them....after a few feet 3 more jump out of a trash bin and do the same..thye started picking up thier pace when they notice about fifty rats started pouring out of a sewer grate..they now broke into a full sprint while holding onto the brass rat screaming....they now had about 200 rats right behind them...they finally got stopped by a river...now rats were running all over and as some of them started crawling up the couples legs and they were screaming thier heads off they flung the brass rat into the river..where then the rats started jumping in one by one after it and drowning..about 10 minutes later the river was strewn with dead rats....about and hour later the couple returned to the shop..the owner immediately said..i told you no refunds!!! the couple says we didnt come for that..we were wondering do you have any brass lawyers??

 

 

[KickChick]

::giggles:: .... funny ones!!!

 

Here's another!!!

 

WHITEHOUSE MEMO

 

From: The White House

 

To: Albert Gore

 

Dear Al:

 

We found some more votes. You won. When do you want to take over?

 

George W. Bush

 

 

[kicker]

 

I need to find one all be back!!

 

just so here one joke here:

 

Aggasi and Graf got married on monday and but a 23 millon dallor house but why?

 

Because eggs on a graph = to many!

 

OR

 

because there kid needs the space!!

 

only a joke and it`s true they got married!!

[taezee]

:uhoh:

 

 

[kicker]

ya taezee also in Las Vegas

 

 

 

[GoldDragon]

School Test

 

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTH:

 

NAME _________________________

 

NICK-NAME ____________________

 

GANG NAME ____________________

 

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 quid and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

 

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to supportVinno's 500 quid a day crack habit?

 

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

 

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends 33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

 

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

 

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

 

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brother's armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

 

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTH:

 

NAME ___________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ___________________

 

(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)

 

SCHOOL____________________

 

DADDY'S COMPANY___________

 

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local MP to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

 

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

 

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3%unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

 

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

 

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

 

 

[kicker]

lol hahahaha!!

[GoldDragon]

um--------nope...HA!!