got jokes???

[SaiFightsMS]

Well I got a really great one but I cannot tell it here until i figure out how to get past a part that is a bit of an x-rating.

 

So Instead there is a small plane carrying the Dali LLama, Bill Gates, Micheal Jordan, and a hippie.

 

The pilot comes out of the ****pit and announces that the plane is going down and that he couldn't stop it and that there are only 4 parachutes. The pilot grabs one and jumps.

 

Micheal Jordan stands up grabs a parachute and says "I am the greatest athlete in the world I am needed." and jumps. Two parachutes remain and three people.

 

Bill Gates jumps up grabs a parachute and says I am the smartest person in the world and the world needs smart people.

 

Two people remain and one parachute. The Dali LLama tells the young hippie I have lived a long life and am not afraid to die you take the parachute and jump.

 

The hippie says well the smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack and jumped let's both take these parachutes and jump.

 

 

[kicker]

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.

 

"I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

 

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

 

She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.

 

"Oh, no!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

 

[SaiFightsMS]

send this to all the females you know

 

Subject: fake survey

 

If some man comes to your door and announces that he is taking a survey and wants you to show him your boobs don't do it. He is not taking a survey he just wants to see your boobs.

 

Boy, do I wish I knew that yesterday

 

signed,

 

The Blonde

 

 

[kicker]

A blonde was going crazy with her three, young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests -- they give me no rest and I'm halfway to the nut hatch."

 

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend suggested.

 

The blonde took her friend's advice and rushed out to buy a playpen.

 

A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

 

"Superb! I can't believe it," replied the blonde. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

 

 

[dreamer38f]

The family wheeled grandma out on the lawn in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th b-day were taking place. Grandman couldn't talk very well but she could write notes frirly good when she needed to communicate.

 

After a short time out on the lawn grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

 

Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up.

 

A nephew who arrived late came running up to grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, your're looking good, how are they treating you?

 

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

 

 

[three60roundhouse]

Doctor: Frank, we have reviewed the tests we took after you complained of being sick for an extended period.

 

Frank: And?

 

Doctor: I have some bad news, and some worse news. Which would you like first?

 

Frank: I guess the bad one.

 

Doctor: Frank, you are dying of cancer.

 

Frank: What could possible be worse than that?

 

Doctor: Frank, you have Alzheimers.

 

Frank: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

 

[kicker]

A blonde woman went out to her mail box, opened it and closed it, then went back into her house empty-handed.

 

A few minutes later, she went to her mail box again, opened it and closed it, then went back into her house empty-handed.

 

After several more trips, a watchful neighbor raking his grass commented, "You must be expecting a very important letter today!"

 

"No," the blonde woman answered, looking puzzled, "but I'm working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail!"

 

 

[dreamer38f]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

 

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

 

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

 

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts."

 

And the patients complied by standing up.

 

After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts."

 

And they all sat back down in their seats.

 

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts".

 

They all broke out into applause and cheers.

 

Thinking things were going very well. so the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog leaving his assistant in charge.

 

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What happened?" The assistant replied, "Well...everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled... "PEANUTS!!!"

 

 

[dreamer38f]

EXERCISE PROGRAM: For those of us getting on in years;

 

I thought I would let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for

 

building my arm and shoulder muscles.

 

You might wish to adopt this regimen - 3 days a week works well.

 

I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato

 

sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them

 

there a long as I can.

 

After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato

 

sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in

 

each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

 

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution

 

you not to overdo it at this level.

 

 

[kicker]

Joke

 

A blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"

 

The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."