Advice needed from other instructors

[LottieL]

I am not an instructor, I am a student looking for guidance on my own instructor. Basically I have not been at his club long, less than 6 months but he began making a few odd comments towards me a few weeks back regarding secrets and 'relationships' within karate.

I'm female btw, instructor is male and at least 25 years my senior.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and carried on with training as he is a good instructor and I enjoy his classes.

At the weekend however, he waited until everyone had left the class and more or less admitted to having a "crush" on me. Said he finds me a distraction in the class and he's wondering where he stands regarding our relationship. I was a bit taken back by it and didn't know what to say, as I said I had always given him the benefit of the doubt before and due to the fact that he's older than me, married and a well respected member of the karate community with years of teaching behind him, I thought it unrealistic that his intentions were anything but good.

Anyway on top of this admission, he then tested the water somewhat and asked if I wanted to go to his house before class. I feel this to be totally inappropriate and cant believe he even asked. I'm supposed to be going to training tonight but I now feel so uncomfortable with it all and don't know what to do. Not sure why I'm posting really, was hoping someone could advise me? Is this a known thing in karate?

Just to add, the club is no Mcdojo, it is years old and the instructor is a 7th dan. There are a small number of 1 and 2nd dans in the club and a 4th dan. Tons of kyu grades. I can't believe this has happened and would hate to leave the club but is there any way back from this now?

[sensei8]

Imho,

He's breaking one of the biggest maxims for instructors! He's dead wrong, and should be ashamed of himself, and if he continues, he shouldn't be teaching anybody anything!!

Your relationship with him is simple...Student, you...Instructor, him!! Nothing more, and nothing should be inappropriately added to that relationship. His hands should be minimal in contact with you, and by that I mean, correcting posture, hands, and so on. That contact should be always kept to a minimum, and only when it involves teaching/correcting.

If he was my Junior, I'd have a strong conversation with him and set him straight QUICK. Therefore, it's going to be up to you to be the responsible one and set him straight IMMEDIATELY, but in a professional manner.

He's accountable, therefore, you must make him accountable immediately. Remind him that you're there to learn the MA, and nothing more. If he's unwilling to be the consummate professional, then quit, and find someone else who's better.

Remind him that he's a family...a wife...kids...well known and respected in the community. AND...it's not worth it for him to throw it all away by being unprofessional.

Tell him to use the head that's on his shoulder, and nothing else. After all, he's the distraction!! You're there to learn the MA, and he's there to teach THE MA...nothing else!!

It's not flattering, it's an insult to you and to his dojo, and to his family!! Teach him the word...NO!!

[jaypo]

I concur 100% with Sensei8. I saw a similar situation once, and the student ended up quitting. Her comments were "he used to be a father figure to me. Now, he's just some man that knows Karate".

I also see that a lot in my current line of work. I guess people with any sense of "power" or "self importance" tend to be that way.

[Spartacus Maximus]

The kind of situation described here is not unique to karate because it happens anywhere and everywhere men and women find themselves interacting in a social group where the man has a role of authority or influence.

No good can come of this even if the woman accepts the advances because the social relationship is changed to the point of no return to what was existing before. The man in question and the woman can no longer continue their roles without emotions interfering. The best advice and solution where there is this type of break with ethics is to part ways and start over elsewhere. Go find another instructor or dojo.

One should never try to seek intimate emotional relationships with a person directly above or below oneself in a social group. Especially if the social relationship is one of authority or influence!

[DWx]

This is really taboo and unprofessional. It's up to you but I would really recommend not pursuing a relationship further and to be very clear up front about this. Personally I would also be very uncomfortable continuing to train there. If you wanted to you could report this to his senior or the association he is a member of. Whilst relationships sometimes do happen to approach you in such a way is really not professional.

[bushido_man96]

I think that finding a different school might be the way to go. You can try to approach him and let him know that you have no interest in anything outside of a professional relationship, but in the end, this may make things uncomfortable, especially if he doesn't let up.

I think the best idea is to walk away, and find a different place to train.

[ps1]

Get out. There's no two ways about this. It's wrong and you should leave. It would be wrong anyway...but he's married too. He's just trying to use his influence over you for sex. It's sick, twisted, and borders on cult mentality. Get out. You owe him nothing and should not respect him in any way.

[Spartacus Maximus]

Cases like these are a reminder that unfortunately a high rank, skills and a title does not confer a good sense of ethics and a moral character. If a person has little of either to begin with, and is impulsive; then that person will inevitably end up in some sort of unpleasant situation.

Being involved in any way with such a person is always a risk because such a person behaves without thinking or evaluating the consequences for others in their inner and outer social circles.

[cathal]

It is also important Tommie that none of this is your fault. The phrases such as you being distracting and your relationship are manipulative techniques to get you thinking it's all on you. They seek to make you think that you've somehow convinced him that you're interested in him romantically. This is all in his mind only and I agree you should remove yourself from this situation. It will only become worse if you try ignoring it.

[sensei8]

It is also important Tommie that none of this is your fault. The phrases such as you being distracting and your relationship are manipulative techniques to get you thinking it's all on you. They seek to make you think that you've somehow convinced him that you're interested in him romantically. This is all in his mind only and I agree you should remove yourself from this situation. It will only become worse if you try ignoring it.

To the bold type above...

That's a very important point; I wholeheartedly concur!!