Putting back on my black belt

[Shizentai]

I have been thinking a lot about things lately and thought I'd share. This is somewhat a sequel to my old thread from about 6 months ago:

http://www.karateforums.com/putting-back-on-my-white-belt-vt44085.html

The moist air hung cool, not cold that night. Though you wouldn't know it by how many layers people wore as they scooted by on the street. To me it's the perfect weather for training. Perhaps my time time in the blustery north changed me more than I knew. As I leaned on a makiwara I could see the mirrors already beginning to fog at the edges from the beginners' class that now arose from seiza. Yellow and orange belts whom I'd never met walked past with a smile and left the floor. As they departed I fondly approached the same corner where I had stood once twelve years ago as an awkward teenage purple-belt watching the rest of the class train jion.

Just as I sat down to stretch my senpai appeared out of nowhere. I hurriedly rose to greet her, but before my lips even parted she spoke.

"So, you're on the list."

I felt the blood drain from my face as I stood stammering.

"You're not at the top, way down at the bottom, but you're there. What are you going to do about it?"

Despite the gravity of the situation, all I could think to say was "I'll do it of course."

...and here I thought visiting home for the holidays would be relaxing.

It's been one year and four months since I moved away. On top of that it was almost a full two years since my surgery caused me to stop competing altogether. Since I was out of town I had been training with another organization, but not with the level of seriousness I had before. How could I be on that list? Why was I selected for kata? I thought I always did better in kumite. How many medals did I get in 2011 and 2012? I can't even remember. I guess it was enough. All I know is that in eleven days I will enter a room with six other women to decide which of us will be on the US team competing in Tokyo this October. Admittedly, over the past few months I had begun to take a rather relaxed attitude towards my training. Putting personal goals aside, I had tried to remain inconspicuous in my new dojo. I guess without realizing it I've slipped into the mindset that I will never be as good as I used to be. Without senpai that knew what to expect of me it was easy for me to take this path.

It's been just over a month since I found out, but it feels like an eternity. The training, the anxiety, the restless dreams of forgetting to wear my gi pants. Last week I arose every morning at 5am to train the annual kangeiko at my new dojo followed by individual training, then shower food and work. In the elevator I think of kata. At home I watch kata. It's become a rather comforting routine for me. It's all that I can do, and I want to do all that I can. At first it was hard filming myself. It was sobering to see how I moved when I was cold, how I messed up when I thought too much. Even just the silence of a camera seemed enough to crush my spirit. Then, bit by bit things began to change. I remembered how to think less and move more. Instead of minute points I found myself concentrating on feelings and emptiness.

Tomorrow like days past I will wake before the sun to tie my old blackbelt. Like me it is free of labels or organization names. Like me it carries with it no sign of rank other than being a bit worn around the edges. For all my sensei have given me over the years, here is my chance to give back. I want to show my best kata to the judges as an expression of gratitude for this tremendous honor. Tomorrow, like every day this month, will be my real test.

[sensei8]

Solid post!! I thank you for it!!

[wagnerk]

Cool, good luck, let us know how you get on

What kata will you be doing?

[Shizentai]

Thank you

I'm not sure entirely how the selection process goes, but I will be prepared to perform all heians, tekki shodan, bassai dai, kanku sho, enpi and jion. If I make it past there I will be doing bassai sho as my tokui, with kanku sho as alternate. Although, I love both of those kata so much that I waver about which one will be first choice. I think I will decide when I see who the judges are. Some folks like to do kanku sho in a newer version than I train, which I can also perform just fine, but it's hard to make every judge happy at once with that kata, so I am favoring using it as backup.