A Story

[pdbnb]

I take Taekwon-Do and enjoy it a lot. I'm 8th kup, i..e. first degree after white belt. There used to be four of us, but three of those are now yellow belts. With the first one, I was fine, since he's better than all of us (although I was a little embarassed that I had decided not to grade that time - I didn't feel ready - and he had gone there injured and passed with flying colours.) I was planning to grade about a month after him, last month, but my instructor told me to wait until September. I was fine with it, until I discovered that the other two girls would be allowed to grade. I went up to my instructor and said I felt ready. He reluctantly agreed, but lectured the class on how he knew when we should grade, had X years experience, etc.

The following weekend I turned up late for the grading (bus mix-up) and missed it. Fair enough. The thing is, I then had to listen to ANOTHER harangue about how 'a person [there]' should not try to keep up with their mates, and just because they all graded at the same time last time, it doesn't mean they're ready, etc. I felt miserable, ashamed and wounded, but I recognised that I had been a brat and apologised to the instructor for pushing it with him. Since then, I've lost a bit of my drive to go to class, as (once again, just like when I was 14) I am the only one being held back from a grading. I have self-esteem issues, and of course I felt like the worst TKD-er in our class - which apparently I am.

There's no point to this post, just wanted to vent. I initially thought the instructor was a bit immature with the rank-pulling, but later realised I was the immature one.

What did you guys think about my conduct (be harsh if you must) and have you ever let pride push you into a rash decision such as mine, when it came to MA?

PS: I wouldn't have asked to grade again if I hadn't felt EXACTLY like I did 15 years ago when I got held back from testing for brown belt in Shorinji Kempo while everyone else got accepted.

PS2: If I wasn't late, I would have passed - I'm sure of it - and proven a point. I NEVER get to prove points. Or show people what for.

/ramble

[AdamKralic]

Pride often makes one make rash choices.

Lateness is unacceptable period. While I have made many rash choices/displayed immature behavior in my life...the one thing that I've always been master of was punctuality.

Why? It's the easiest of them all to take care of. Leave early to get to everything. EXPECT there to be unforeseen delays.

[pdbnb]

Which is why I admitted that I deserved to not be allowed to grade on the day. My problem was rather with being held back to begin with.

[AdamKralic]

The color of the belt is not as important as the skill of the practioner. <-- sp?

If you were the best in the class with the best skills and attitude and did not get advanced that would be a different story. Then again if you were the best in the class with the best skills and attitude; perhaps we never read your complaint as you never typed it?

Take it from someone perhaps more like you than different than you: You want something they have, you might have to swallow some pride to get it. That is life. Life is not fair...demanding that it be fair just makes you look immature. (been there, done that...will probably do it again at one point or another...and I'll be wrong then too)

[sensei8]

Allow the instructor to be just that; the instructor!! The instructor is quite aware of their students abilities and the like wholeheartedly, and in that, the student should listen and follow and accept that which the instructor decides in every area of that students training.

To be early IS to be on time and to be ON time is to be late!! Any student of mine that's not checked in by 15 minutes before any testing cycle will not be allowed to test. Why?

They've got to get dressed and so on and so forth before they can walk on the floor, or before they assemble in the waiting area. That time is now wasted if I allow them to show up at the last minute or late at all, and that's not fair to those who are on time. Lateness disrupts the continuity of the testing cycle/class/etc, and in that, I just won't tolerate it.

Now, if a student can provide an acceptable reason(s) why they're late, I'll consider it at least, but that's still no guarantee that I'll accept their reason(s). I'll review it, and it's a situation by situation, no exceptions and nothing's written in stone. However, show up a half-hour late, nothing will change my mind. If the situation warrants it, I'll test/etc the very next opportunity I have, and as early as the following day.

In closing, your MA training is yours and yours alone. By that I mean that if your friends/etc grade up before you, then so be it. Yes, it would be nice if you all could climb together, but the purpose of training is not to keep up with felllow students. It's YOUR training and that's about it. Besides, you might catch up or even pass them for whatever reason(s), like, you know, they might not be able to test because they were late or whatever.

Hang in there...you'll be fine!!

[DWx]

As I mentioned to you earlier pdbnb, I have actually now trained with your instructor a couple of times. IMHO the guy knows he stuff and is technically sound. Respect his decision and follow everyone's advice on here.

It really does not matter what grade you are or what grade your friends are. It is better to be a really good 8th gup than a mediocre 7th gup. Let your skills speak for themselves and forget about what colour you wear around your waist.

[CredoTe]

Great posts Adam and sensei8 I'll throw my 2 cents here with some specific points:

...

The following weekend I turned up late for the grading (bus mix-up) and missed it. Fair enough. The thing is, I then had to listen to ANOTHER harangue about how 'a person [there]' should not try to keep up with their mates, and just because they all graded at the same time last time, it doesn't mean they're ready, etc. I felt miserable, ashamed and wounded, but I recognised that I had been a brat and apologised to the instructor for pushing it with him. Since then, I've lost a bit of my drive to go to class, as (once again, just like when I was 14) I am the only one being held back from a grading. I have self-esteem issues, and of course I felt like the worst TKD-er in our class - which apparently I am.

...

PS: I wouldn't have asked to grade again if I hadn't felt EXACTLY like I did 15 years ago when I got held back from testing for brown belt in Shorinji Kempo while everyone else got accepted.

PS2: If I wasn't late, I would have passed - I'm sure of it - and proven a point. I NEVER get to prove points. Or show people what for.

And from:

Pride often makes one make rash choices.

Exactly, Adam....

See, pdbnb, self-esteem (IMHO) is code language for feelings of pride and shame. It's not your fault regarding "self-esteem"; the way our society has been taught to raise / teach people is to ensure we gratify everyone's self-esteem...I don't mean to turn this discussion into a "societal" discussion... To bring it inline with my point, we (society) have masked pride and shame with self-esteem. There's one crucial problem with this...

Pride is not the opposite of shame. Pride is the source of shame. When we get prideful of something, for instance, our MA training, we become rash, defensive, and even a little selfish. When this prideful thing (MA training) encounters difficulty, whether natural hardships or self-created, and we falter and / or fail at a task, we become filled with shame and self-doubt. We get down on ourselves because we think we're not as good as others and can't do it... NO! Throw that off! That is a pitfall!

See, the opposite of shame, indeed a neutralizer to shame, is humbleness / humility. One of the things I tell my students that have trouble with pride is "have an open mind and a humble heart".

You will overcome this, and all tribulations down the road, by keeping an open mind and a humble heart. Also, as sensei8 says, keep your MA training about improvement of oneself, NOT about competing with others. Don't try to be better than anyone else, try to be better than you were yesterday.

[CredoTe]

Good post DWx (I was in middle of writing mine when your post came through, didn't catch it until after I posted mine...lol)

[mal103]

They've done the long answers, mine is short and to the point:

Shut up and train!!!

Sooner or later you need to realise its the journey and not the colour of the belt.

If you want to exceed then train more often, train harder, the student with the best attitude would have arrived an hour before the grading to practice...

You will only get out what you put in.

[Harkon72]

Mal is right, spot on. Train hard, your only true opponent is yourself. Your development as a martial artist is in your hands alone.