Abuse- PLEASE READ

[evergrey]

OSU!

This post is not about punching and kicking. It is not about kata or kihon or kumite.

But you know what? It's important. It's more important. I want you to read it. You, right there.

This might not be something you're living with. It might not be something you have lived with. But there's someone you know who has. Maybe they are right now. Maybe you are right now. So I'm going to show this to you. Please read it. And do me a favor. Re-post it. Pass it along. Credit me if you want, but that's not even all that important. Just get it out there.

I wrote it in 2003. I will add some thoughts to the bottom of it, from today.

This is about emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can be every bit as damaging as physical abuse. It can be a lot easier for people to ignore as well.

Here you go:

"In the past, several times, I found myself in pretty bad situations that no one should have to be in. I feel it is time for me to share a bit of what I learned, in the hopes that maybe it will help someone, somewhere, who is in a similar situation right now.

Emotional abuse can cause damage, just as physical abuse can. In some ways, it is worse. It is a wounding of the spirit. And it is much harder to prove, to friends, to family, to protective services, and to oneself. By it's very nature, it erodes one's confidence in one's own thoughts and feelings, planting seeds of doubt and self-loathing. Usually, the abuser believes that they are in the right, and are doing nothing wrong. In an emotionally abusive situation, it is in fact not uncommon for the abuser to believe that they are a victim.

I know I doubted myself, and a lot of people didn't believe that I was being abused.

There are many warning signs that indicate an emotionally unhealthy or abusive relationship. I am listing below everything I can think of. I am by no means an expert, but I have lived it, and come to know many of the signs well.

Some of these symptoms can indicate an unhealthy relationship, or one that needs a lot of work. If a lot of these are true, I would suggest seeking help, from friends, family, religious leaders, crisis counselors, or case workers. They don't all have to be true for it to be an abusive relationship.

*Does the person often pick apart your behavior after a social event or hanging out with other people, pointing out all your faults and every way in which you behaved "unacceptably," no matter how trivial or innocent your words or actions were?

*When you have a boundary that you feel you need to set, does the person

a) accuse you of always wanting everything your way, when in fact you rarely get anything you want or need, and they get whatever they want?

b) Seem to come up with a demand or rule to "get even?"

c) Belittle your needs and desires, patronize you or make you feel stupid?

*Do you feel that you can no longer hang out with your friends or do things on your own because they wouldn't approve?

*Do they demand to know where you are and what you are doing at all times? Are they constantly suspicious of your actions? Do you feel guilty for having gone out with friends, even though you didn't do anything wrong? Are you often made to feel guilty enough that you do not hang out with your own friends, or go to events on your own? Do they interrogate you (and/or your friends) about exactly what you did and said, and with whom, when you went out? Do you feel like you have to make excuses for yourself when you go out, or call in constantly to tell them what you are doing and where you are?

*Do they not let you get enough sleep, purposefully?

*If you live with them, do they control when you can leave the house, or access to the house? i.e. do they take your shoes or refuse to give you keys?

*Do they accuse you of doing things that you haven't done, but they have? Do they accuse you of having problems that you do not, but they have? (like drinking, cheating on them, always having to have your way?)

*Do you find that you censor yourself because they might not approve of what you say or do? Do you find yourself doing this even when they are not there?

*Do you dread going home, or wherever they are?

*Do they yell at you or call you names?

*Are they constantly whittling down your words, criticizing what you have to say, telling you what you feel and believe is invalid or wrong, or say things to make you feel stupid?

*Do they promise that things will get better, but they never do?

*Do they buy you things or pay for things to make up for problems in the relationship, and then get angry with you when things are not automatically better? When you have a problem that you want to work out with them, do they say something along the lines of "I pay the bills/buy you this stuff/pay the rent, isn't that good enough for you?"

*Do they go out whenever they want, hang out with whoever they want, and do whatever they want, but not give you the same freedoms?

*Do they make you feel like a failure? When you have a problem, and are sure it is something they did, or a behavior of theirs when you are apart from them, do they often turn it around on you and make you feel like it is all your fault?

*Are you unhappy more often than you are happy when you are with them?

*Are you afraid of them?

*Do you feel like there is no hope? Do you feel suicidal? Do you feel like you can never do anything right for them, or that you cannot get away from them?

*Do many nights spent with them end up with you crying, or curled up in a fetal position? Do many nights spent with them make you feel like hurting yourself?

*Do you "shut down" when they are around?

*If you want to do something like go out, or anything he doesn't approve of, does he threaten to do something destructive or self destructive?

*Are you always giving things "just one more chance?"

*Do they act really repentant, and things seem like they'll be better from now on, and then they go back to the way they were before, or worse?

*Are you sacrificing yourself, your needs, and your life to them most of the time?

*Do they open your mail without your permission? Do they read your e-mail without your permission? Go through your private belongings?

*Do they behave in one way in public, and another way in private? Do you feel the need to hide the way they treat you to friends and family?

*Do they use physical resources to control you? i.e. threaten to kick you out onto the street, not let you get medication you need, or otherwise make you depend on them so you have to do what they want?

*Do they use pregnancy (by purposefully getting pregnant, or getting you pregnant,) to make you stay in the relationship?

*Do you feel like they might physically hurt you, even if they haven't?

*Do they control the way you look? Tell you what color or style your hair should be and what clothes you wear, even though you don't want to do it that way? Do you feel obligated to change yourself physically for them?

*Do you often wish you could break up with them, but feel that you can't?

*Do they blame you for not being exactly what they want?

*Do you often find yourself believing that everything will get better if just one thing will happen, like moving in together, or the person getting a job, and then discover that it doesn't?

*Do you feel obligated to remain in the relationship because they used to treat you well, even though they don't now?

*Do you feel more often than not that you have to lay aside your own feelings and needs to support them, but that they never (or almost never) do such a thing for you?

*Are they overly hypocritical in words and deeds? Are there a lot of double-standards in the relationship?

*Do they often manipulate or force you into doing things that you are uncomfortable with, even when you tell them repeatedly that you don't want to do them? If the manage to make you do them, do you feel guilty or upset afterwards?

*Do they often do careless things that put you in serious physical danger or injure you?

*If there is something you do or are interested in, but they are not, do they do it and tell you how horrible it is that they have to do it, even though you told them they didn't have to, repeatedly? Do they use this to manipulate you and try to force you to do things you don't want to?

I could probably go on at length, but these are a lot of signs of an abusive relationship. Like I said, it is doubtful they will ALL be true for any relationship, but if a good number of them are making you nod your head, please think about it, and seek wise counsel."

The sad thing is that I fell into another abusive relationship after I wrote this. It's an easy pattern to fall into if it's a familiar one, and a hard pattern to break. Humans cling to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy, and fear the unknown. It is a part of our basic nature.

Sometimes it can also be very demoralizing when someone who is being abused reaches out to friends and family and are rebuffed because their friends or family don't want to face the ugly truth.

"I don't do DRAMA." Calling anything negative "drama" is a great way to invalidate someone's experiences and feelings, while absolving you of any duty to do anything for your friend or family member. Let me give you a hint. "OMG she wore the same DRESS as me, he wouldn't buy me that coach bag, she cut in FRONT of me in LINE" are all examples of drama. Drama is making a big deal out of something petty. Drama is trying to get attention by over-inflating something that is truly minor.

"I'm scared I'm losing who I am. I'm afraid to speak. He tells me I'm worthless. I need help." This is NOT drama. This is a serious cry for help, and it should be TAKEN seriously.

"You shouldn't talk about someone behind their back! That's dishonorable! I'm telling him what you've been saying!" This one happened to me. If a friend hadn't shown up when my abuser stormed into the house, I don't know what might have happened to me. I still ended up bleeding a lot. This is an atrocious betrayal of someone's confidence. If someone is reaching out for help because they are afraid for their life, don't run and tell their abuser!

"Everyone has problems, stop being so negative!" Look, yes, negativity breeds negativity. But don't invalidate someone's honest, real problems. Everyone has problems, yes. And when people we care about reach out for help, we help each other. I'm not talking about enabling endless unhealthy cycles here... but if someone's trapped in an abuser's reality bubble, constantly doubting themself because their abuser is so convinced that everything is the victim's fault, and it's hard to stand up in the face of that kind of conviction... don't just chase them off because you can't be bothered. At least tell them, if you don't have it in you to help, where they can go to GET help instead of just dismissing what's wrong with them as being nothing.

"Well you must have done something wrong to make him act like this!" Really? Blaming the victim much? Yes, there are two sides to every story. But if a relationship has degraded to this point, it's time for it to END.

Okay listen. You. Yes you. The one who recognizes way too many of the items on that list up there. The one who is living this. I BELIEVE you. You're hurting. You feel like your world is getting smaller and smaller. You feel like the person you were is disappearing. You feel like there's no way out.

There is. You are not along. You ARE strong enough to get out. You have to decide to, REALLY decide, because I cannot make that choice for you. No one can. But there's someone out there that can help. Look up battered women's shelters. Look up abuse advocates. find someone, even if it's only one person, one friend, one family member, one instructor, one police officer, even one person you don't know well but know is a good person. You are not alone. I've lived through this. So many other people have too. I chose to not be a victim. You can too.

And you deserve it. You DO deserve to be loved. You DO deserve a healthy relationship. You DO deserve to be HAPPY. You Do deserve to feel SAFE. You DO deserve RESPECT. You DO deserve to live in a world that grows instead of shrinks. You SHOULD feel safe to speak your mind. You SHOULD feel safe to be yourself. You are NOT an idiot. It is NOT all your fault. You are a VALUABLE person. You are NOT asking for it. You CAN do something right. You can do a LOT of things right. You are beautiful. You are worthwhile. And you are so, so, SO very strong. Look at everything you've endured! You're strong enough to walk away. You're strong enough to find a way. You're strong enough to stick to your guns. You are. You really, really are. I have faith in you.

Don't stay in this bad situation because the kids should have two parents. The kids can sense what's going on. Even if they aren't taking the abuse themselves. Even if you always put yourself between your tormenter and them. It is hurting them. It is. They know. It's stripping away their innocence. It's not your fault, but you CAN do something. You can find a way.

That first step, admitting that it really is bad, that's EXTREMELY scary and I know it. Asking for help, that's really scary too. Following through, changing your life? SCARY! But you and I, we already know what it is to be afraid, don't we? And we're still here. You can face that fear but this time... you can have the power. You can be the one in control. Push, and endure. You can do it. I trust you.

OSU

[JusticeZero]

Evil people are horrible.

This sort of thing is really hard on friends and family, too. When the whole family is unitedly saying "Get rid of that abusive lunatic please!" and the answer is always to defend the abuser, then saddle them all with the fallout of the latest bit of abuse, eventually doors start closing and bridges are torched.

[MasterPain]

Evil people are horrible.

This sort of thing is really hard on friends and family, too. When the whole family is unitedly saying "Get rid of that abusive lunatic please!" and the answer is always to defend the abuser, then saddle them all with the fallout of the latest bit of abuse, eventually doors start closing and bridges are torched.

That's very unfortunately often the case. Of course part of abuse is the brainwashing that says the victim deserves it. s hard as it may be, family and friends need to open up as soon as the person is willing to come back. Also, they should report abuse whether the victim wishes them to or not.

[Blade96]

evergrey if this forum had a thanks button i'd thank this post 10000 times.

That was me when i was with my ex in 2010. Got away from the loser after 5 months.