Self-confidence issues

[LovelyDisaster]

This is my first post here, and I really didn't want it to be an unpleasant one, but I thought it was necessary. Before, I'd stuck to browsing as a guest, but then I decided I needed to confront my issue.

I'm currently a yellow belt in Shotokan Karate. I've been battling with self-confidence/self-esteem issues. Although I love class, I always dread going because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself in front of the higher belts. I feel defeated when I see the kids my age wearing brown belts and performing perfectly. Starting in highschool, I felt like I was "too old to be a novice," and I'm often embarrassed to tell others that I'm only a yellow belt. I've noticed this in a lot of other things I do as well, not just karate. I see all the people who are so much better than I, and I just shut down and give up.

I understand MA is a journey, and I don't expect results right away at all. I just wanted to see if anyone else had this problem and possible advice to overcome this adversity that's destroying who I really am.

Thanks so much.

[MasterPain]

Hello, welcome to the forums. I hope you stick around here and I hope you stay with the martial arts. Some schools don't even accept students until they are over 18. One martial artist, who I have a great respect for, started at 50. You are not too old to start.

I really understand where you're coming from. Some people are natural athletes, they learn things easily, and aren't the least bit nervous around groups of people. I am not one of those people.

I began martial arts at a young age. I was terribly uncoordinated, bad at sports and very quiet and shy. I was bullied by other kids because of being small, weak, withdrawn, and had a bad speech impediment. That was why I started in the first place. I wanted to be able to defend myself. People take martial arts for different reasons, I wanted to be able to choose how I would allow others to treat me.

I've been training for 20 years. As an adult, I'm no longer picked on by others, nor will I allow others to be bullied in front of me. I'm still bad at sports that are not combat related, but I've become a decent martial artist. I don't have the genetics or the drive to be an Anderson Silva, but I'm okay with that. I'm still much better off training than not. If you're going to train, you should train seriously, but it is important not to take yourself too seriously. Losing is a learning experience and is not the end of the world. Neither is seeing others learn and advance faster than you. I see that all the time. It takes a lot more reps for me to learn anything than it does for most people. The best life lesson a person can learn in the martial arts is to tap out and keep their dignity.

Even if you decide that martial arts is not for you, I hope you find something that can help you with the self-esteem issues. It's a terrible thing to struggle with. Try to base your self- worth on the kind of human being that you are, and not what you are good at. It's far more important to be a kind and compassionate person than it is to be a great fighter or basketball player or interior decorator. Everyone has a different potential physically and mentally. I will never be a member of mensa. I will never be an Olympic athlete. I can, however, do my best to help others when I can and teach what I know to a younger generation, many of whom will do bigger and greater things than I ever will. I like to think that makes me of some value.

[ShoriKid]

This is my first post here, and I really didn't want it to be an unpleasant one, but I thought it was necessary. Before, I'd stuck to browsing as a guest, but then I decided I needed to confront my issue.

I'm currently a yellow belt in Shotokan Karate. I've been battling with self-confidence/self-esteem issues. Although I love class, I always dread going because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself in front of the higher belts. I feel defeated when I see the kids my age wearing brown belts and performing perfectly. Starting in highschool, I felt like I was "too old to be a novice," and I'm often embarrassed to tell others that I'm only a yellow belt. I've noticed this in a lot of other things I do as well, not just karate. I see all the people who are so much better than I, and I just shut down and give up.

I understand MA is a journey, and I don't expect results right away at all. I just wanted to see if anyone else had this problem and possible advice to overcome this adversity that's destroying who I really am.

Thanks so much.

Welcome to the KF crew. I come from a slightly different angle on things than MasterPain. I didn't start training until the beginning of my senior year in high school. I didn't pick the 'cool' dojo either. I was the junior rank who kept his mouth shut and stayed out of the way while a couple of younger brown and green belts trained away.

Remember that those brown belts were yellow belts struggling with new things not so very long ago. Just because they are younger or have a higher rank doesn't make them better people than you. Just a little further down the road of martial arts than you. Be proud that you took the hardest step. You actually went to the dojo and started training. So, that yellow belt is a higher rank than over 90% of those asking about your rank.

The best advice I can give is two fold. Firstly, if you really enjoy taking part in the martial arts, the activity and physicality of it, stick with it. It won't be long before you won't be a yellow belt any longer.(I just ordered a new white belt the other day to wear when needed ) Secondly, those higher ranking folks may be more than happy to help you learn a little. Give them a chance to show you the things they've picked up on over the years. I'll bet the all remember what it was like starting out and wouldn't mind helping you out with some of your training. I always understood how hard it was getting started, and I loved karate so much that if someone was interested I was willing to help.

[ps1]

This is my first post here, and I really didn't want it to be an unpleasant one, but I thought it was necessary. Before, I'd stuck to browsing as a guest, but then I decided I needed to confront my issue.

I'm currently a yellow belt in Shotokan Karate. I've been battling with self-confidence/self-esteem issues. Although I love class, I always dread going because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself in front of the higher belts. I feel defeated when I see the kids my age wearing brown belts and performing perfectly. Starting in highschool, I felt like I was "too old to be a novice," and I'm often embarrassed to tell others that I'm only a yellow belt. I've noticed this in a lot of other things I do as well, not just karate. I see all the people who are so much better than I, and I just shut down and give up.

I understand MA is a journey, and I don't expect results right away at all. I just wanted to see if anyone else had this problem and possible advice to overcome this adversity that's destroying who I really am.

Thanks so much.

Just remember, everyone here started as a novice. The only thing that will make you better is more training. Also consider that, as a yellow belt, there are likely white belts looking at you and thinking, "can't wait until I'm that good so I can be a yellow belt."

It's also important to realize that self confidence is a separate issue. The only way to improve it is to take that leap of faith and confront those things that you fear most. Once you do, you'll realize that there's nothing to fear.

Good luck and welcome to Karate Forums!

[evergrey]

OSU!

Hi there! My name's Ev.

I'm seriously overweight, I have several chronic injuries, and I am 32 years old.

I started training in Kyokushin at the age of 30. Started training in a dojo at the age of 31. Let me tell you, I felt horribly self-conscious. Occasionally I still do! Being unable to do everything that most of the others can do, that's tough. Believe me, I know. I did my time as the lowest ranked person, with 14 year old kids outranking me in class. I often felt pathetic.

Thing is, my journey is my own. Nobody else has walked in my exact shoes. Nobody else is coming from the same place I'm coming from. Same for you.

You might think, "other people have more natural talent, so maybe this isn't for me."

Thing is, natural talent only gets you so far. There are a lot of people with natural talent who don't put any effort or determination into their training. They eventually get left behind, believe me. Or they don't have the willpower and drive to keep going, so they eventually wash out.

If you decide you really, REALLY want this, if you have that fire, that spirit inside of you, that determination, you can get there. You can go farther. Like others have said, everyone is a beginner at some point. Everyone remembers what it's like. Hopefully your dojo has a healthy, supportive atmosphere. In my dojo, we are all friends and family, and we are all there to support one another. I hope that your higher-ranked peers are doing the same?

You will be pushed, you will be corrected, and you will sometimes fail. Failing is a great teacher. It can teach you more than constant success. It's better to have a bit of both. Just, when you fail, leave the failure behind you and keep the lesson you learned from it with you. Ask yourself, "how can I overcome that?" If you aren't sure, ask your Sensei. A good Sensei will not resent politely worded questions before or after class, if he or she has time.

Remember that it will get better, with practice. It might take more time than some others, or it might take less... but you WILL, if you stick to it, accomplish things. Those accomplishments, those successes, will be yours, and no one else's. No one will be able to take them away from you. You will be able to look at them and take pride in them, knowing that you accomplished those things because YOU did the work and YOU stuck to it.

So, do not compare yourself to others, except to learn from them, and to perhaps set some goals for yourself.

Here, how about this- give yourself a short-term goal, and a long-term goal. More, if you want.

For example, my goals are as follows, from short term to long term.

1. Recover from my ACL replacement (cadaver graft, whoohoo!)

2. Strengthen and condition my body. This is an ongoing goal with no end.

3. Greatly improve my kihon.

4. Greatly improve my kumite. Both 3 and 4 can only be done with long, hard months of practice.

5. Enter and fight in full contact, bare knuckle knockdown tournaments. I might need to do a bit of semi-contact to start. Always fight to win, but accept that it might be some time before I can start winning. Do the best I can, though, always.

6. Become an instructor, and pass along the gift of knowledge that my instructors gave to me.

Now these do not have to be your goals, of course, but what you should note is that some are short term, some are long term, and all are about my won journey in the martial arts, my own accomplishments.

And remember, you have my respect, and the respect of many others here, for one simple reason- you're stepping out on the mat. It's so much easier for people to just not ever bother to try, or to take a couple classes and give up. When you start your journey doesn't matter. Where you ARE on your journey doesn't matter. What matters is that you are walking the path, and to that, I bow and say,

OSU!

[bushido_man96]

First off, welcome to KarateForums.

As far as your concern goes, everyone has to start somewhere. Those brown belts walking around doing everything so easily weren't always that way. It takes time, patience, and practice. Try not to compare yourself to what they are doing, or their experiences. Your own will come in time, and you will improve over time. Some practitiones don't start until they get into their 40s or 50s.

Be secure in yourself and what you are doing, and don't worry about the progress of others. Doing so will only inhibit your own progress, and take away from the enjoyment of your own experiences. Have fun and be yourself!

[Ashigeru]

Always remember that those people that are above you in rank began, as you have, as a beginner. If they laugh at your mistakes, it isn't you that they are laughing at, because they have made similar ones at one time or another.

When you think that others are performing perfectly, it isn't true. The mistakes are there, and one day you will see them. Perfection is an illusion, and a goal. The martial arts is about striving for perfection, about overcoming problems within and without ourselves.

I used to hate kumite, which is mandatory in our style. I hated it, because I was always losing. I used to get picked on all the time at school. When I would lose a sparring match, I would just shut down. Then, one day, I realized that I had to face it and embrace my fear of losing. I started karate to learn to defend myself. How could I do that, if I couldn't fight?

I was determined to get better at kumite. I even asked the most difficult opponents to spar, including the instructor, to spar with me whenever I could. Yes, it was scary. Yes, I lost a lot. But, eventually, I started winning against people, even against some that were higher rank than I. I began winning tournaments, which I wouldn't have even thought possible when I first began.

Why did I work so hard at it? Because I had self image issues, as you do. I had to do it to prove that I could.

There is a word that is used in some styles - OSU! It is a contraction of the Japanese words Oshi (to push) and Shinobu (to endure). It's meaning is to push yourself to overcome adversity, and to endure all the hardships that come along your path. In our style, it is a motto. It is something that we are asked to live up to.

Whenever you want to shut down, just remember OSU - push and endure, and you will succeed. Don't let yourself allow you to fail.

[Groinstrike]

I didn't start until i was 22, ive been in four years and still run into things that i have trouble with, it is a never ending process. Don't fight upstream, let the journey take you where it will.

[Shizentai]

Welcome!

I am like you. When I started training a little over ten years ago now, I was the only awkward not-kid not-adult in the dojo. At age 15 I actually remember being the only yellow belt training. All of these brown and black belts of all ages were looking at me and correcting me constantly. It was very difficult to keep up at first. It was so frustrating that I actually cried a little once in mid-heian sandan

Anyway, for whatever reason, despite being smaller, sicklier, and less talented than the others in my class I didn't quit. You know what the odd part is? Most of the people in my class that I thought had the best talent for karate quit training after just a year or two!

Now that I look back, I realize how fortunate I was to have those setbacks.

A person who does things naturally well, without working hard, has no idea what to do when they wake up on the wrong side of the bed one morning and their magic is gone. Now people like you and I and most of the rest of the world, we gain what people might mistake as 'talent' by forging ourselves in the fires of hard work and determination in the face of our own short-comings. It is a much longer process, but that is a weapon much harder to disarm.

[MaxMarks]

Welcome!

I'm not going to repeat any of the grate advice that's already been posted. Hopefully after reading through the replies to your post you've realized that your situation is more the norm.

The big thing I want to point out is that the MA... your dojo is your answer. Many people start the MA for self defense but no one stays for that. They stay because of all of the other ways it enriches their lives. In your case it will be because it gets you through your self-esteem issues.

You will come to realize that self-esteem comes not from never failing but from being okay with failure. You will become okay with starting at the bottom and clawing your way to the top no mater how many times you fall along the way.

I did a blog post on thinking positive that may be helpful. Also look for one from a while back called "The Dojo our Quiet Little Koi Pond." It talks about the dojo being a safe place to fail and draws an analogy to a legend about the koi.

Good luck and enjoy self-esteem as you will have it soon.