Grmbl... bad houseguests..

[JusticeZero]

Stepdaughter (who is 19 and is showing all the street smarts and wariness of a drunken lemming) wants to bring this boy cross-country. He made her pay for the ticket, wanted to make changes, was given the number he had to call, and arranged for her to do it as a three way call so she would have to do it anyways. He started micromanaging her finances over the phone, and has no income. The kid seems like a classic Narcissist, one of the sorts of people I tell my students to run from and never let close to them.

We had police show up at the door, because his relatives wanted to check up on him. (We hadn't given any permission for anyone to have our contact info, and yet they had it.. grmbl..) This ended up in a phone call with the relatives.

My wife, wanting to keep things peaceful, decided that he would visit for a week over christmas break, stay in our apartment, and bus home afterward. She thought this was grand.

I think we're going to be cleaned out, I think we're going to have any number of schemes redirected to point at us, I think the guy is going to be abusive and I think i'm likely to end up having to knock the guy through a wall or something. And in the end, I think the guy is going to walk out having victimized us telling himself and anyone else that we were the ones who forced him to do it all.

However, i'm not being given much of anything in the way of ability to veto the idea. I just have to sit and take it.

Any suggestions?

[Liver Punch]

Wow - quite the situation...it makes me look forward to having kids.

I, personally, would view the situation as a matter of doing the right thing vs. "upsetting others". I've always been of the opinion that the right thing comes first. If it's not popular, legal, or fun is besides the point. If I've weighed the situation in its entirety and the right thing presents itself, that's what must be done.

I'm going to assume that you've exhausted all routes involving calm discussion, reasoning, and calmly expressing your feelings.

The next step is throwing a fit.

If that didn't work, I would probably pull the kid aside and tell him to beat it. I'm sure I'd also strongly "encourage" him not to mention the fact that he'd been told to beat it.

If this doesn't work, you could brandish a firearm for the duration of his visit and be quite unfriendly.

[Groinstrike]

Wow - quite the situation...it makes me look forward to having kids.

I, personally, would view the situation as a matter of doing the right thing vs. "upsetting others". I've always been of the opinion that the right thing comes first. If it's not popular, legal, or fun is besides the point. If I've weighed the situation in its entirety and the right thing presents itself, that's what must be done.

I'm going to assume that you've exhausted all routes involving calm discussion, reasoning, and calmly expressing your feelings.

The next step is throwing a fit.

If that didn't work, I would probably pull the kid aside and tell him to beat it. I'm sure I'd also strongly "encourage" him not to mention the fact that he'd been told to beat it.

If this doesn't work, you could brandish a firearm for the duration of his visit and be quite unfriendly.

Yeah, tough situation you got there. I suggest trying to act weird/crazy enough to scare the kid off(like stroking a gun and mumbling alot).

Or just come right out and say that he is not welcome, i understand that this may upset Stepdaughters and wives, but their safety is more important than their anger level.

[tallgeese]

Bummer of a situation is right. There is no way that someone is not going to end up upset at someone after this. It sounds like, based on what you've given us, that the guy is exhibiting some real red flags in his behavior to your step daughter. I'd agree that this is the profile type that one should avoid.

That being said, she's into him and by forcing him away (no matter how much fun one might have doing it violently) you'll likely end up forcing her out as well unless the timing is right.

Still, you can't let yourself get jammed up by this guy. I'd be certain that not only are obvious valuables at your place out of sight out of mind, or even better, locked away; but that you've removed any access information to accounts and such. No easy access should be given to credit/debit cards, ect.

Try to stay away from excessive arguing because it's a matter of time until it does get out of hand, then cops show up and question every one, and even if you did everything right and shouldn't have a problem, why risk it. That said, obviously you can't let him do anything that would harm you or your family.

Lastly, if he does step out of line, report him. Not doing so will start developing a pattern that will let him assume he can do similar antics in regard to your step daughter and have little to no fear of reprisal.

Good luck, keep us posted.

[MasterPain]

Or just come right out and say that he is not welcome, i understand that this may upset Stepdaughters and wives, but their safety is more important than their anger level.

This works for me. If you don't feel there is a real danger, I'd still let him know how you feel. And that the slightest misstep will result in being thrown out the door, which may or may not be opened when said throwing occurs.

[Patrick]

Alex's advice sounds reasonable to me.

Patrick

[ninjanurse]

Opening your home to someone doesn't mean that you have to compromise your values and let them get away with bad behavior. We all have to be accountable to our families and that means standing up for what is right. If your daughter feels otherwise she can choose to go elsewhere and live the life she chooses.

[Liver Punch]

I was going to advocate shooting him, but...that's not moral. Oh, and illegal - that too.

[yamesu]

If this doesn't work, you could brandish a firearm for the duration of his visit and be quite unfriendly.

That made me giggle... seriously.

[still kicking]

JusticeZero, as unpleasant as the visit might be for you, from what you said, I am quite concerned for your step-daughter. He "made" her buy the ticket, has no income of his own, and is micromanaging her finances? I think your challenge is that the more you object to this guy, at her age that is just likely to make him seem more attractive to her. Depending on your relationship with her -- and/or her mother's -- obviously we have minimal information about that -- perhaps one or both of you could have a calm discussion with her, where you express your concerns and give her some basic information about victimization and the signs of abusive and exploitative relationships.

Ah, the holidays, "it's that most wonderful time of the year". Good luck!