Sometimes a strike is compassionate.

[evergrey]

So there I was, sparring.

I was having a really bad day. I was having a really bad month, to be honest with you. I was getting frustrated! I was probably growling without even being aware of it.

And who came over, but Shihan. A 7th dan in Kyokushin, an instructor for over 30 years, and able to bench press 600 pounds, Shihan is a formidable man. He has trained many, many people in his time, most of them military, or family of military.

He's dealt with people like me before.

He also doesn't spar much any more. Used to. Used to fight full contact. Undefeated, that's what people say.

A few months before, I'd foolishly asked him to spar after class. The dojo got really quiet. The shodans who had been hanging out and chatting suddenly found Important Stuff To Do Elsewhere.

"Evey," he said, calmly, smiling in a terrifying fashion, "the reason why you are still vertical is because you don't know what you've just done. I am much higher rank than you, and I am the head of this school. By asking me to fight, you are issuing a challenge for ownership of this dojo. I know that's not what you meant, and it would be stupid of me to punish you for something you don't know. So I won't. But don't do that. And I don't spar because there is no point in breaking my own students."

I stammered an apology and accepted his answer, though I was pretty sad about it. It didn't used to be this way- my sensei used to ask him to spar, when he was Shihan's student over 20 years ago. I wanted to experience that myself. I think that Shihan knew.

So there he was, in that class, and he knew I was on the edge. Things were going badly in my life, and I tried to leave it all at the door of the dojo, but sometimes the stress can still trickle in, when you aren't always in control of your own head. Sometimes it's just a little too easy to check out.

So he told me, "I don't want you fighting my students when you're like this."

And then he could have had me drill my punches, watching myself in the mirror. Or doing push-ups. Or hitting the bag. Or practicing my kata somewhere out of the way. There are a lot of things he could have done. But instead he had me bow to my partner, and then he had me bow to him.

He put his guard up. "Hajime."

Now, I had never seen anyone strike at Shihan. Not even at him, let alone actually touch him. But it was clear that he wanted me to. I looked up at him, into his eyes. He was so calm. Completely at peace. At that moment, I knew that he already knew I couldn't beat him.

Okay, there's always a chance. Lightning can strike, sharks can bite, meteors can strike the earth and the sun might explode. But it was pretty improbable. In fact, looking at him, it seemed like it was impossible to touch him.

So he knew. And I knew. He said, "so how are you going to hit me?"

"Uh, I don't know, I think I should probably watch out for that hand..."

I tried to slide to his side, and of course he easily pivoted to meet me.

So I charged in. Struck at him. Figured I'd give it a good try at any rate, give it my all. I don't even remember if he blocked. I know he let me hit him some.

"That's not really working out for you is it?"

I'd thrown all my strength into it. But I was tense. My body was working against itself. I was trying to muscle through it, but my muscles were fighting each other, even.

"You're striking with anger, Evey. That's never going to work. You won't get anywhere with that." He was still so calm, a little smile on his face.

I kept throwing myself at him, and there was no effect.

See, anger is an old friend of mine. Anger has kept me alive so many times. So many times when I was supposed to die, I kept fighting. And fighting. People like me are always at war. Even when we're in normal life, we're still fighting. I'd convinced myself that I needed that anger to survive. That I would be dead without it. That's how it worked in the past, right?

So I threw myself at him, I threw my anger at him, and he just... absorbed it. And told me this or that thing I should do. Relax. Relax, Evey, relax. Don't muscle through it, pop it. Throw your fist like it isn't even attached to you, but throw it with your whole body. Relax. RELAX!

And he said, "strike me anywhere. Any strike. Try whatever you want! You won't hurt me." He wasn't even blocking at this point.

So I decided to go for a shin strike to the floating ribs. That would HAVE to make him at least BLINK, right?

Sure, I had been healing from a knee injury, and I hadn't really kicked much for a couple of months, but that was okay, right? I'd just really put my all into it!

I chambered, I powered up, I swung my leg!

*bamph*

Hm. That.. that was a bit low. That felt kind of soft, actually. Oh... OH NO!!!

I had kicked my shihan right in the behind. The ball of my foot had struck his posterior.

I re-chambered, put my foot down. Looked up at Shihan. His expression was... complex.

I think there was a bit of disbelief there. Some amusement, that I'd actually kicked him in the rump, and at the dawning horror on my face. An edge of danger, because there I was, this white belt, and I'd kicked him in the behind! Perhaps there was a bit of annoyance. And a bit of entertainment at my audacity. All this flashed across his face in a split second, and then his face was calm and cool and compassionate again, though maybe his eyes burned a little brighter, and his smile became a bit toothier.

"Okay, but see, don't kick me in the behind, because then I'll have to do the same to you," he said, and then suddenly his leg was a blur.

*POCK!*

It was very controlled. Very precise. The amount of power he used was entirely by his choice. I felt the impact, and suddenly I was aware of every single nerve ending in that side of my rump. My body yelled at me "you were THIS CLOSE to getting dropped, I'll have you know!"

Shihan was standing there again, calm and cool, guard hand up and open, slight smile.

Then he had me try to strike him again. I didn't try any more kicks.

After a bit, he said "okay, pick a spot to hit me. Where are you going to hit, and how?"

"Uhhhh, sternum? Reverse punch?"

"All right, try it, but don't put any force behind it."

So I did. His gi was really soft. His body, not so much.

"Now try sliding in a bit. Really chamber. Just add a tiny bit of force, but keep it loose and relaxed."

So I struck him again.

"Now do that again, but pop it. Just a bit of force, don't try to push it too much."

So I struck him again.

"There, now Evey... you're actually hitting me a little harder than you were when you were trying to throw everything into it. You've relaxed a bit, and you're not striking with anger any more."

Not long after that, class ended.

Shihan called me over after a bit, and picked up a water bottle that was mostly full.

"Evey, this water bottle is you. Do you understand?"

"OSU, Shihan. My cup is full, and it's full of anger. I can't learn anything when my cup is full, so I need to let that anger out, and let it go."

"That's right. It doesn't matter how much we try to teach you if you are so full of anger... you won't be able to learn."

I asked him for a hug, and he told me that he doesn't hug people in the dojo.

So I went home, and I realized that Shihan had in fact been very compassionate with me. He'd given me something a lot more kind and comforting than a hug. He'd taken all that anger I threw at him, all that energy, and transformed it to something calming. He took control, and that let me relax for one, because I knew he was stronger than I was, and I knew I could relax. He had my back. He could handle whatever came at me as well as I could. No, better. And he could handle ME.

He took all that energy, and he gave back peace. Calmness. Comfort.

When I missed and kicked him in the posterior, he could have gotten angry. He could have shamed me. He could have held it over my head. He could have done nothing, and left me feeling guilty about it. Instead, he gently made us "even," and then he moved on. It was the most compassionate thing he could have done.

That day, he could have chewed me out, he could have thrown me out of the dojo and told me I was just too shell shocked to be safe there. He could have decided I was too much of a bother to teach, or that I was a liability. Instead, he did me a great honor.

I've been thinking a lot about the things that he said. You know, with PTSD, they talk a lot about the trauma, about the flashbacks and the fight or flight... they talk about depression and anxiety. Troubled home life. Trouble adjusting. But they don't really tell you how to stop the war in your head. Maybe nobody knows.

I realized something though. Something about anger, something about compassion. The anger is something I use on myself. The compassion is something I deny myself. I am at war with myself, and I treat myself like the enemy. I interfere with myself. And I hurt myself. I've spent a lot of time thinking that my anger is, in the worst of times, my only ally. But I think that much more often, my anger has been harming me.

I think that I will ask him if he knows how to let anger go. Because I've realized... I don't know how.

I have a lot to be grateful for. There's a reason why he is a shihan.

He and my sensei have taught me so much. Kyokushin, it's said, is a very practical, hard style. Many people believe that there is no internal side to the art. But I believe it is as much about one's heart and spirit as it is one's striking technique.

He gave me a lot of gifts that day. And one of them, well, I can say I've joined what is probably a very short list of people who have kicked his behind! ;}

[sensei8]

Ev,

Although that the post was long, imho, it was well worth the read; nicely done, and in that, I enjoyed it a lot!!

You're very lucky to have found Sensei Wah!! You're very lucky to have found Shihan White!! In return, they're both very lucky to have you as their student!!

The lessons that you're learning from them is much more than technique based. While techniques in the martial arts are vitally important to learn, and in that, techniques in themselves are nothing more than tangables that come and go. Whereas, the unwanted area of philosophy within the martial arts isn't right up there with most practitioners because they're more concerned with the techniques, and if they show any philosophical importance, then they're shuned against.

What you received from your Shihan and Sensei is a vital lesson to have been learnt, and one that is important to share with your fellow martial artists.

In what your Shihan was imparting upon you is what Bruce Lee said so frankly and so right on...

"Emotional content; NOT anger!!" In the movie, "Enter The Dragon", Bruce is teaching a lesson, one not just about technique, but, also about the philosophy of the martial arts. Their exchange illustrates how we over think the most simplistic of things...

Lee: [a student approaches Lee; both bow] Kick me.

 

[student looks confused]

 

Lee: Kick me.

 

[student attempts kick]

 

Lee: What was that? An Exhibition? We need emotional content. Now try again!

 

[student tries again]

 

Lee: I said "emotional content." Not anger! Now try again!

 

[student tries again and succeeds]

 

Lee: That's it! How did it feel?

 

[student thinks; Lee smacks his head]

 

Lee: Don't think. FEEL. It's like a finger pointing at the moon.

 

[Looks at student who is looking at the finger; smacks student again]

 

Lee: Do not concentrate on the finger or you will miss all of the heavenly glory!

This is what I am a proponent of, and it's something that I was taught, and mostly every karateka is taught, and what I"ve imparted to my own students....

MIZU NO KOKORO: Mind Like Water

TSUKI NO KOKOO: Mind Like Moon

Study it, understand it, apply it, and embrace it!! Ask your Sensei/Shihan about these philosophies; I'm sure they'll just reinforce what I'm telling you here.

Any action fueled by anger returns voided! Yet, if you don't allow your mind to have that calmness, then you've already lost before the battle really began. Your mind must reflect CALMLY upon the waters: no ripples, no waves, and certainly no swells. Also, your mind must reflect the moon undisturbed: no clouds; because any cloud can start as a tiny cloud, but before one knows it, the cloud becomes more clouds and the storm within them is about to release all of its fury. RELAX! RELAX! RELAX!

That "water" as well as the "moon" are negitively influenced and stimulated by what's going on in ones life. Whether it be with problems at home, or your work, or wherever and whatever, it will blow up in ones face before you know it if it's allowed to. Dojo Kun says...LEAVE IT AT THE DOOR!! Can't make that anymore clearer. While ones not calm, the calmer of the two will have a far greater advantage.

EMOTIONAL CONTENT; NOT ANGER

MIZU NO KOKORO

TSUKI NO KOKORO

Ok, I'll go back to my corner now...for the time being.

[evergrey]

OSU Bob, thank you so much! I always value your input. I am glad that you enjoyed the read.

I am also blessed to have Sensei Dunn, whose student I am and will I hope always be! He was my sensei before we started going to his Sensei (now Shina)'s dojo. And he is still my sensei. :} I feel very lucky, very blessed, and I plan to always work hard to deserve the time and effort they have all put into me!

I focused a lot more on meeting my fellow students with a clear mind and joyful heart today. I think I ended up making a new friend, yay!

There is a lot of healing I have to do. It's a journey, it's a path. It won't happen all at once. But it gives me hope. And I hope that someday I can pay it forward as well.

I hope that you can meet my awesome instructors too!

OSU!