Instructors having favorite students

[Sibylla]

From what I understand you're 31. Instructors in their 60's may very well be sexually interested in women your age.

But whatever what motivates it, my advice would be not to encourage it. Jealousy from other students is one thing. Another thing is that you, as a favorite, either get a lot of free passes, or as sometimes happens, gets criticized to pieces. "Easy life" for long term in a dojo, especially where instructors are kind of unprofessional (as they sound in your case) is to fly under the radar. Because being on the radar of such guys, may very well backfire at one point, and it is you, as a student that is most likely to pay the price.

Imho the best places to train, is where training is about training. The quality will be better when no mental energy goes into who favors who, and why is that, etc...

[Blade96]

Could this be defined as "Sexual Harassment"?

Please read these links...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_harassment

OR...

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/teensexualharassment.html

OR...

http://www.answers.com/topic/sexual-harassment

Thanks, Bob Sensei, but I know for a fact that this is not harrassment. How? one of the key words there is hostile. another one is bullying, intimidation, fearful, etc. and these do not existin our dojo. as I said, there is no place in the world that I feel any safer than at our dojo with my fellow students and senseis.

another thing is that - they just havent done anything. But I've already said that. =]

and another - is that i was sexually harrassed/assaulted at university once by an african immigrant man (in 2001) so i know the difference here.

nor do i think there is any kind of sexual anything either from them.

I think im just a favorite.

Iknowyou're trying to help though and thanks anyway.

and Sibylla, about getting criticized to pieces....whilemy instructor didnt criticize me to pieces, thetimewhen he held my leg when doing kicks, he made a Very. Big. Deal. of the fact my kick wasnt right. and he wasso eager to help me with it. Sempai was with us too teaching us and he never. Sensei didnt criticize but it seemed awefully importantto him that i got my kick just right....wasnt as important to the Sempai.......

[sensei8]

Blade96,

In your opening post you said this...

Never saw him do that with anyone else (and I attended every class and was never late i think i was the only one in the whole dojo who never missed a class ) He is always complimenting me. calling me 'his girl' and physically helping me with my techniques (he'd hold my leg when i was practicing kicks) he never did that with anyone else. Also physically affectionate, rubbing my back and touching my shoulder.

To me, this could be a red flag warning.

The following made me think that it might be...

"The victim does not have to be the person directly harassed but can be anyone who finds the behavior offensive and is affected by it."

I don't know one way or another if it was or wasn't sexual harassment, therefore, I'm just offering some info that might help you.

[Blade96]

its true that some 'people' (and i use that term loosely; peoplewho set out to harrass others are worse than animalsbecause animals dont think of doing that stuff) may start by doing things that are fine and actuallylegal and al right and then steadly progress as time goes on; mine wasntlike that but some are. So I'll keep this new postofyoursinmind and I'll keep an eye out; I dont believe my sensei's are like that asI said but as I'veonly been in karate 4months as of January 10th I will certainly keep an eye out. myown assault in 2001 wasnt that way it happened really fast there was not 'grooming' so to speak. I was able to take advantage of something he didnt do though and defendmyself and get away.

If it turns out to be true I guessyou'll be feeding me crow as well since I disbelieve the lot of you here haha, eh, Sensei Bob?

I read every post here and I do pay attention to what you said even though I disagree.

Ireally hope its not true!!! I love that dojo, i love the people in it, Ilove the senseis very much, I love shotokan and I believe I have a gift for it, a natural talent, a flair for Shotokan, and it would be sad if I hadto leave that dojo, its like mysecond home now! Ihope, as I believe, its simply favoritism and it would be great if resentment amongthe students/jealousy continues to be the only thing I have to wrry about, even a 60 yearold sensei attracted to me is not in itself a problem unless he's one of the 'people' I just mentioned. but i dont think he's attracted to me, and I'mnot attracted to him, either.

[still kicking]

Blade96, I really don't want to beat a dead horse, but perhaps this will help you in thinking about your situation. I work in the counseling field, so am particularly sensitive to the issue of "boundaries" -- between therapist and client, but also between teacher/student, or any situation where there is a differential in power. I think it is often the case that well meaning but unaware people in positions of power can unknowingly exploit someone's affection or attachment or whatever you want to call it. It is a big and tricky subject. There is a whole range of behaviors possible, from overt unwanted sexual "come ons" to subtle emotional exploitation, which can be confusing and ultimately harmful to students. It is a teacher's job to be aware of this. Much as in an incest situation, which may be physical, but even if "just" emotional or psychological, the child feels special, but also feels uncomfortable because is not mature enough to deal with the intense feeling. I think what some people responding to your original post are getting at is that even if there is no overt sexual abuse or harrassment going on, there are plenty of red flags, not the least of which is your own questioning of the situation in the first place, that indicate the possibility that the second type of boundary violation might be occurring. Would it be possible for you to discuss this with someone you trust who is outside of your dojo ?

[Blade96]

Blade96, I really don't want to beat a dead horse, but perhaps this will help you in thinking about your situation. I work in the counseling field, so am particularly sensitive to the issue of "boundaries" -- between therapist and client, but also between teacher/student, or any situation where there is a differential in power. I think it is often the case that well meaning but unaware people in positions of power can unknowingly exploit someone's affection or attachment or whatever you want to call it. It is a big and tricky subject. There is a whole range of behaviors possible, from overt unwanted sexual "come ons" to subtle emotional exploitation, which can be confusing and ultimately harmful to students. It is a teacher's job to be aware of this. Much as in an incest situation, which may be physical, but even if "just" emotional or psychological, the child feels special, but also feels uncomfortable because is not mature enough to deal with the intense feeling. I think what some people responding to your original post are getting at is that even if there is no overt sexual abuse or harrassment going on, there are plenty of red flags, not the least of which is your own questioning of the situation in the first place, that indicate the possibility that the second type of boundary violation might be occurring. Would it be possible for you to discuss this with someone you trust who is outside of your dojo ?

youmean he could be doing something and notknow he's doing it? andyousaid exploit, that means he would belookingfor something.what would he be tryingto get? A sensei? what could hepossiby need?

as for talkingto someone, Idontknow anyoneto talk to.

oh. one other thing that comes to mind that i forgot to mention. situation that smacksof favoritismandnot pushing a (sexual) boundary. A tuesday night of training, 4 days before the competition. Me and the other white belt (who i beat) were running through our Heian Shodan, and i messedup at first so I started over and redid the kata without mistakes (likeI said, Me= Perfectionist. Knew I'd only haveone chance at tournament to do it so.....*shrugs*) . I kiai'ed very loud (as I can do now,as i learned after only about 2 months, somewhite belts take years to kiai properly, I know but i took 2 months) and Sensei complimented me on my kiai....theother white belt,admittedly, didntkiai asloud (as I said they dontseem as enthusiatic asme) but sensei never said anything about his Kiai. Not only that he pretendedto be a judge; he marked me higher than mywhite belt friend. Maybe cause I had a better Kiai. Maybe because the white belt always forgot the part where after the second gedan barai you do the wrist thing where you yank wrist and twist it before you oi zuki. Who knows. In his defence though, he wasnt one of judges who gradedme at actualcompetition and I still got highermarks. Maybe that tuesday night it wasnt really favoritism because the truthof it was that I was better. Like I said, who knows. but i noticed he never complimented my friend on any of his kata, I think not verymuch. complimented me more and was not subtle. The truth was,I was better, but still. Mademe alittle uncomfortable but I forgot about it until just now.

Btw sorry aboutmyspacebar. Thing is being evil with me

[still kicking]

I took the liberty of putting some spaces in...

Blade96 says

...you said exploit, that means he would be looking for something. what would he be trying to get? A sensei? what could he possiby need?

Plenty of people, even senseis, have an undue need for admiration. Since I don't know your sensei at all, I have no idea if this is what's going on.

[Blade96]

I took the liberty of putting some spaces in...

Thanks

Plenty of people, even senseis, have an undue need for admiration. Since I don't know your sensei at all, I have no idea if this is what's going on.

maybe so. who doesnt like it when they get someone who genuinely admires them.

I see it in hockey players cause im a hockey fan. they tend to be most interested in the ones who are knowledgable about the sport and especially if they are their fans. I met one Russian american hockey league player once, and when he found out i was not just a hockey fan but i also spoke Russian, oh my =]

[sensei8]

If it turns out to be true I guessyou'll be feeding me crow as well since I disbelieve the lot of you here haha, eh, Sensei Bob?

Speaking for myself...I'd never do that to you....ever!! More than anything I pray that I'm completely wrong on my thoughts on this topic. I only support you and any decision(s) that you've made!!

I just want to offer an ear and a shoulder to you for when it's needed!

[Blade96]

If it turns out to be true I guessyou'll be feeding me crow as well since I disbelieve the lot of you here haha, eh, Sensei Bob?

Speaking for myself...I'd never do that to you....ever!! More than anything I pray that I'm completely wrong on my thoughts on this topic. I only support you and any decision(s) that you've made!!

I just want to offer an ear and a shoulder to you for when it's needed!

That's really really, awesome, Bob-sensei! and I verymuch thank you for that!

Or to use a phrase I made up - a pocketful of fly. =]

Its awesome that I seemto have friends and allies on this forum! it warms myheart. LIke in my dojo, I feel I belong to a family here.