Instructors having favorite students

[Blade96]

when it comes to talking to someone, i was thinking of asking sensei when shotokan starts again, why did he pick me as one of his faves. as 'his girl' as he calls me. I know he paid me a lot of attention over the past 3 months, so did other sensei, but since he mostly works with the higher belts, not as much. but still there. I can just tell. even the way they look at me. they thinks of me as different from the other lower belts. and even higher belts.

I have absolutely no fear of either of them, I dont believe for a moment they would hurt me in any way, as I said my concern was about my friends, if they would resent it.

as for talking to the other white belts, hmmmm. maybe. the one who went to competition with me, we spent the whole day together, in fact, I helped him learn heian shodan back in november i believe. I learned it before he did, and since he still had trouble, I helped him. I also gave him some of the advice you guys gave me when i asked for it regarding the kata competition. I didnt beat him by much - he got 18.0 and me, 18.2. I was pleased cause I helped him. Its one of my mottos I have in my sig - you dont have to hurt other people to excel at things yourself. We get along well and we train together when he's at class. He has a lot more meh than I do, as I said, but I still help him. The second white belt, I dont have much to do with, because he doesnt talk to us much - he's always with his male 8th kyu friend - the only 8th kyu we have atm in our dojo. and neither of them show up a whole lot to classes.

i think i make myself here, when i tell facts about how i am and how my senseis are, sound like a quintessential student and maybe thats why the senseis treat me like they do. But since most of you think it all sounds just a little bit iffy, I'll keep what you said in mind.

I also post on another martial arts forum and I also think I might ask their thoughts as well on what they think. see if they agree with you. I want to get a lot of people's opinions on this.

Thanks

Blade

[DWx]

I don't think a teacher should have favourites but they will have students they favour more than others, they're only human. The students who might not be really talented but try really hard and are interested (as you seem to be Blade) are naturally going to be liked by the teachers. However I really don't think its right to tell a student that they are you're favourite if they have one. Not all that nice for the other students and its not really the right signal to be sending imo.

I'm in agreement with everyone who's said its not really appropriate behaviour. It may seem like friendliness but I don't think physical affection such as kisses on the cheek have a place in a student-teacher relationship. There's nothing wrong with being friends with your students but you have to draw a line on how far this goes.

[Tiger1962]

At my last school there were favorites (nepotism, whatever it's called) and while I believe the instructor didn't think they were being partial, it was obvious. It did not occur in the same manner as the poster though.

I do not feel that instructors should have or show favoritism to students. If they do have favorites, (and this often occurs) they should keep it in their head and NOT physically show it. In the poster's situation, I do feel the sensei is behaving unprofessionally/inappropriate. A martial arts teacher is a teacher nonetheless and a business person, and actions such as this could ultimately get the instructor into a lot of "hot water". Favoritism can also cause animosity between students and that can lead to problems in class.

While a sensei may have a hands-on approach in demonstrating a particular technique, (and this too is common) he/she should not be so physical to a student in the manner that is shown to you. Unnecessary touching (hugging, etc.) has nothing to do with training. An instructor may hug or cheek-kiss a student to thank them for a gift, but doing this as a reward or praise in everyday class situations, again, is not the proper way to conduct themselves as an instructor.

Whether or not the instructor's behavior is allowed to continue might play a part in the teacher's reaction, if the student decides to do anything about it.

This is a touchy situation (and no pun intended there).

[Blade96]

Hmmm. weeeellll

being a student's fave isnt new to me. I dont want to say it because some might think me egotistical or something but in university, I was popular with the profs I had (i have a degree.) I knew i was a fave by the way they acted around me. Most of my classmates were fine with me; there was only one class where I heard a student (who was talking about me) say to someone else 'i hates her' because i knew my history in that history class and was popular with that prof. Ditto for my Russian language profs and other history profs. The animosity (as I think someone pointed out) comes when usually its someone else who thinks others get special treatment. This happened in one of my Russian classes where the students expressed resentment not towards me, but towards our prof because they knew he had favorites (i was one of them) and they didnt like it that he paid more attention to some people and not to others.

The Shotokan senseis are very similar to my Russian profs who loved me. as I said, I adore the senseis. Very much love them. they've been nothing to me but a pocketful of fly! The differences are that, they are the only teachers I have ever had who have ever been physically affectionate with me, and the university profs didnt make it so obvious that I am a fave like the Shotokan senseis do (well one more than the other because one mostly works with higher Kyu's) at the club where we went for our christmas get together, the sensei said again "You're our girl" to me. Now Sempai and another guy where sitting right next to them and Im sure they heard that! Yeah Im afraid of jealousy.

also, I did ask opinions from the people on the other forum, I only managed to look once for replies as they're having forum issues. but one guy said its possible my sensei could fancy me and he might be thinking about a date with me, as I am a young 31 year old adult woman. I cant post back, yet, but my instinct is to think No possible way, as I said I dont believe either of them would ever hurt me not for a minute. They are also in their 60's! say huh? I really dont believe it for a minute. Seriously, I don't. I'm too young for them! But *i grin mischieviously here* if it turned out to be true, that mod who said that would be heading down to my place to feed me crow. =] But as I said I dont believe it.

I said my concern is about possible jealousy, not about romantic interest or assault. - and White Owl didn't help ..... Nah, I am joking, White Owl. You're all right and seem like a pretty good person. and jealousy could cause some trouble in the dojo, as it caused a bit of trouble in the Russian classes I did in university where the students resented the teacher (Twas a shame because he is a great teacher. and us Russians majors loved him.) would be a shame if that happened in our nice dojo where we all love each other and everybody is family to everybody else.

yes to me my senseis and everyone else are my family. I love them. It is because I care that I write all about this issue.

as for favoritism in testing, that happened in one of my russian culture classes I did for my major with the prof whom students resented, some of them. I had just done and passed in a huge essay on one of Stalin's 'scientists' (and i use that term loosely, name was Lysenko if anyone wants to look him up), anyway soon after I got that essay back we had a midterm. One of the questions on that was a question on which the answer was Lysenko. I said to the prof, 'hey, I know that! that'll be marks i never had to study for' He said with a smile 'that's why I put it there' Now if that isnt blatant nepotism I dunno what is. I got a good mark on that, but I had it a bit easier as a result than other students.

I hope to God that doesnt happen in the dojo. I havent heard of it, but I've only been a member not even 4 months (it'll be 4 months on january 10th)

[Lupin1]

It might just be your personality. I'm the same way. That "sweet little girl who always smiles and is always so interested in what I have to say". My male professors loved me for that reason, as do my male instructors in extra-curriculars, my priests back when I was Catholic, etc. It's a charm that certain young ladies have with older male teachers. Like you said-- it's not physical or sexual or anything (ewww- they're all wrinkly and old) it's just a way of interacting that some of us young ladies have naturally that tends to make them like us. You can tell you're doing it when you get that look-- the squinty eyed, small smile, half curious, half admiring "proud father" look. I've formed lots of strong, almost father-daughter bonds with my teachers over the years because of it. Just don't push it too much and you should be fine.

[still kicking]

I have been following this thread, pondering what to say. As others have said, it's only natural that a teacher will have favorites, but it's important that he/she is not obvious about it, and behaves professionally. I think it's fine to show a little extra attention to a student in class who is particularly motivated to improve, and a little less to a student who is doggin' it, but beyond that, a teacher should attend to all of the students equally, in my opinion. Off the floor, that professional relationship continues. Not wanting to sound judgemental of a school and senseis that you love so much, but I do wonder a bit about boundaries here.

Aside from that... Blade, I do not want to presume to psychoanalyze you or anything , but it seems really important to you that they like you so much! Even if you are a "fave", and they are less than subtle about showing it, I think that after you have been training for longer and are deeper into the art, that might become of less importance, and you will be more focused on the art itself. Not that you're not now, from what you have written it is clear that you are dedicated and motivated to learn, and a fast learner, which is no doubt part of why the senseis are so fond of you. I'm just sayin', I think part of it too might be that it's all new and exciting for you, but believe me, at some point you will hit a plateau or get an injury that keeps you out of training for a while (I hope not) or get frustrated in one way or another. My advice, which as I always say may be worth exactly what you are paying me for it, is to take a deep breath and focus on learning and deepening your karate. Just my 2 cents. It's great that you love it so, and have joined the ranks of us fanatics.

[Blade96]

I have been following this thread, pondering what to say. As others have said, it's only natural that a teacher will have favorites, but it's important that he/she is not obvious about it, and behaves professionally. I think it's fine to show a little extra attention to a student in class who is particularly motivated to improve, and a little less to a student who is doggin' it, but beyond that, a teacher should attend to all of the students equally, in my opinion. Off the floor, that professional relationship continues. Not wanting to sound judgemental of a school and senseis that you love so much, but I do wonder a bit about boundaries here.

Aside from that... Blade, I do not want to presume to psychoanalyze you or anything , but it seems really important to you that they like you so much! Even if you are a "fave", and they are less than subtle about showing it, I think that after you have been training for longer and are deeper into the art, that might become of less importance, and you will be more focused on the art itself. Not that you're not now, from what you have written it is clear that you are dedicated and motivated to learn, and a fast learner, which is no doubt part of why the senseis are so fond of you. I'm just sayin', I think part of it too might be that it's all new and exciting for you, but believe me, at some point you will hit a plateau or get an injury that keeps you out of training for a while (I hope not) or get frustrated in one way or another. My advice, which as I always say may be worth exactly what you are paying me for it, is to take a deep breath and focus on learning and deepening your karate. Just my 2 cents. It's great that you love it so, and have joined the ranks of us fanatics.

Isaid on the otherforum thati loved my senseis somuch and some things iliked about them and they took it tomean i was sexually into them as well Not true, I have never ever had any interest in datingany of my teachers or profs, they've all been good friends or like father figures to me, as the other girl said. Same with these senseis. I told them I never minded what the senseis do because they never did anything wrong(think i said that) and they dont hurt me. Its really not THATimportant theylikeme the way they do, I never deliberately set out to make themlike me, I just wanted Shotokan! as you said. I love the artmore. Itsjust it turned out that way. I didntlook for it,it happened! I lookedfor shotokan learning and THAT's what I wanted.

[still kicking]

Blade96 says:

I never deliberately set out to make them like me, I just wanted Shotokan!

I totally believe that you never set out to make them like you, and I think that in this situation you are totally innocent! I also believe what you say that it is not a sexual thing on either side. It's just that I have found from hard won personal experience that intense emotional stuff in karate can muddy the waters, and make training more difficult, even if it seems like only positive emotions. I think you are right to wonder how other students might feel, and how all this might impact your relationships with them. Hopefully you are in this for the long term, and it sounds like you are clear about your love for karate and your intention to continue. Again, none of this is your fault! I am struggling a little with how to put this, because I know you have a lot of admiration for your senseis, but I guess it surprises me a little, especially considering that they are mature people in age, that they seem to not be aware of how their special attention to you might make things more difficult for you. I will also say, if I was another student in your school, I would probably feel a little jealous and resentful of their favortism towards you. But that may be my problem.

In any case, I wonder if it would be helpful for you to just have a heart to heart talk with them, saying something like how much you love karate and the like, but that you feel a little uncomfortable when they call you "my girl" because the other students might be jealous, or whatever feels right to say.

All I know is, training over the long haul takes a lot of energy, and in my personal experience (I won't go into it), it's really better to keep dojo relationships friendly but impartial. I really like how my teacher is -- friendly to everyone, and accessible to talk to if you have a training problem or concern, but also impartial and just a little reserved. I will admit that I sometimes try extra hard when she is watching, wanting to be a fave as well, and maybe sometimes a I am, but she is pretty good at not showing it, and in the end this makes it easier for me.

I know you will work this out in your own way.

[Blade96]

thanks so much for understanding and btw my sensei is the opposite - he is pretty good at showing it =]

I will have a talk with him - to ask him why he would pick me as a fave cause im curious. Second, to mention to him my concerns about jealousy.

btw yessssss, oss, or osu, as some here spell it, btw I am no yellow belt, havent even started heian nidan but already I know the first 4 or 5 movements of it.

yesssss, I dearly love shotokan - far more than I love the senseis! and I am good at it. =]

[sensei8]

Could this be defined as "Sexual Harassment"?

Please read these links...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_harassment

OR...

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/teensexualharassment.html

OR...

http://www.answers.com/topic/sexual-harassment