Feeling really bad, let my temper get the best of me.

[WiltedRose]

I just wanted a bit of advice really, I don't feel I can discuss this with anyone in 'real life' at the moment.

I am 1st dan in wado ryu, train 2/3 times a week. Obviously, karate means alot to me.

Anyone that knows me (including the karate class) will tell you I am probably the least violent person they know. I hate confrontation and violence.

Anyway have been having a few relationship problems just lately and last night I got into a huge argument with my fiance'. He became extremely angry and started shouting right in my face and I lost it completely and struck him in the face with teisho uchi.

I am shocked and disapointed with myself. I have never hit anyone before and I don't know why or how it happened. I don't know if I felt threatened and lashed out in defense.

I'm more annoyed that I used a karate technique to attack someone.

I have of course apologised but I know that doesn't make it ok. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I feel so ashamed. I am due to class today and I feel too ashamed to go

[sensei8]

Wilted Rose,

What can I possibly say to you that would ease the pain that you're feeling? Except to say this...you've apologised to your fiance' and this begins the healing process, and in time, shorter time than you might think, all will be forgiven because time heals all wounds.

Is your fiance' ok? After all, a palm heel strike is an effective technique!

You're fiance' did get into your face, into your space, into your zone AND he did it with anger. Does this justify your reaction? Does this justify your use of Karate? Does this justify the means? Some would say "yes!" and some would say "no!", either way, you did what you felt was necessary in that situation. You felt threatened!!!!

Bruce Lee once said..."I do not hit, it hits all by itself!" These pointed words mean alot, especially to a martial artist. We're trained in such a way that our reactions are more automatic than premeditated. We drill and we drill and we drill and we drill and we continue to drill for situations just as yours. Why do we drill until the wheels fall off? So we react properly to the threat without any hesitation and Ed Parker said it well...."He who hesitates, meditates horizontally!" Hesitation kills!

Maybe your fiance' will now think twice before he comes to you in anger and he violates your space. After all, he should've remembered that his fiance', you, are a Shodan in Wado Ryu Karate. I bet he'll remember from now on!

If you're response to the threat was premeditated, than, well, you weren't in control of your actions nor were you in control of your emotions. Bruce Lee spoke these words as well..."Emotional content; not anger!" These words speak in volumes as well. We Karateka's are taught to never use our knowledge of Karate in violence, but, only in self-defense, as a last resort. Well, your fiance' created the violence and you created the self-defense.

In my eyes, you did nothing wrong and I just want you to know that! You say you're not a violent person and that you hate confrontations. Well, you weren't violent and you didn't cause the confrontation; your fiance' did.

Please don't be disappointed with yourself because you did what you were trained to do and you did it without any hesitation. Therefore, don't be annoyed with yourself because you used your Karate, that's what it's there for and besides, you didn't attack anyone, you defended yourself!

Go to class as you always have and don't be ashamed of doing what you were trained to do...WADO RYU KARATE! Talk to your instructor about it if you think that it'll help you with what it is that you're feeling, but , don't boast about it because that isn't cool!

BTW, you're not a wilted rose, no, you're a vibrant and beautiful rose!

Hang in there!

[RichardZ]

I think at one time or another we all lost composure. Afterall, we are humans with stimulated emotions. My best advice is to discuss this with your instructor and your finace'. Perhaps between each one on oe, and then all three of you.

[tonydee]

I don't think you've told us enough to understand your decision. Your fiance was angry and verbally aggressive, but you should ask yourself what you felt, what decisions you made and how/why, whether you knew they were right or wrong at the time. e.g. Were you scared? Exasperated? Reminded of some unpleasant past experience? Feeling he deserved it for some specific act or attitude? You don't have to share all that with us, but if you're not comprehensive in your understanding of the situation, then you can't be honest with yourself and control yourself in future. It's not about blaming yourself, but understanding. It might be that when you think it through, you realise you'd do the same thing again, and that it's actually ok under that circumstance - you'll live with the consequences. Depending on the affect on your fiance - how it shapes his future attitudes and your connection - it may do harm or possibly do good. You can still shape that somewhat if necessary - you've options and power over his interpretation of events through sharing your motivations with him if necessary. Understanding can reestablish trust, where there's will on both sides.

[The BB of C]

This may sound crazy, WiltedRose, but I think you did the right thing.

[blackxpress]

I'm trying to put myself in your position but it's difficult since I'm a man. If my wife was screaming in my face I would not hit her. I'm 6'5" and 210 lbs. and she's 5'2" and about 130. It would take a lot more than yelling for her to make me feel threatened enough to use karate on her. OTOH, if another man, especially one that was bigger than me, was screaming in my face I'd probably give him a whole lot worse than a palm heel strike. I'm trying to imagine such a scenario and it seems to me I would feel justified in knocking his butt out. Screaming in your face can often be followed by something a lot more violent. I'm not the kind of karate-ka that stands around and waits for the other guy to throw the first punch.

I can't really advise you because I wasn't there. You said you were arguing so I'm assuming you were just as angry as he was. He should have known better than to push a martial artist to anger and then threaten her with violence.

BTW: If he's the kind of man that gets mad and screams right in your face, you might want to stop blaming yourself and rethink the whole relationship. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with a man like that?

[mr_obvious]

Me thinks any day that doesn't end with someone permanently injured, killed, deported, arrested (or otherwise involved with the legal system) or unemployed -- can't be too bad a day.

I faced a charged situation at the gym a few weeks ago. A (I suspect) Schizophrenic guy flipped out when I walked in front of "his" bench, came running over, squared off at me, literally got nose-to-nose (which is technically assault in my state) spitting and yelling in my face. I would have been legally justified in crushing his jewels with my knee and clocking him with the 20's I was holding. I didn't, rather let the owner eject him from the premises with the threat of a trespassing charge if he turned up again. Situation terminated, no cops, no lawyers, no ambulance rides, no paperwork, etc, etc...

Tying back to the OP -- if both of you can / have move(d) on, then learn from the encounter. One thing's for sure -- unless your significant other is also a Martial Artist, you can bet he won't do that again!!!

[bushido_man96]

What is important here is that you both learn from this situation. After a cooling off period, you should both sit down and discuss the event, and learn from it.

Another important aspect of this situation is that both of you take identify and take responsibility for your actions. This is just as important in the healing and learning process.

[JusticeZero]

I dunno, i'm going to take the unpopular and unpleasant side here. I was always taught, and seen my education validated, that the moment one's SO physically strikes the other that that relationship has been terminated; continuing the relationship is justification for anyone even peripheral to the relationship to contact law enforcement to intervene. Violence against the person you are romantically involved with is unacceptable full stop. The pronouns involved do not, should not matter, and I do not allow people special pleading to respond differently because of incidentals like that any more than I would allow different stances on domestic violence based on the skin color of those involved.

That could be because i've seen relatives dragged through horrifically abusive situations; the most tiny and unimposing of people can wreak damage and destruction on an epic scale against anyone unwilling to accept the threat and in accepting, flee from the relationship. I wouldn't wish it on a mass murderer.

[RichardZ]

JZ you may have a valid point. A realtionship shouldnt get to physical abuse from either side. training or not, in any social order, control of physical confrontation especially in a relationship is paramount.

However, my girlfriend, then turne wife, has hit me a time or two. Nothing serious as I "let" her.

No harm to me, so I blew it off.

Making up was the great part.