Dating in the dojo

[white owl]

I see nothing wrong with it as long as when in the dojo the instructor keeps personal life with the student out of training. I know it is hard I have seen my sensei try to have a relationship with a student and it go bad but if you can keep it separated it might be okay.

[RichardZ]

I have dated an adult student. Upon having more dates, it was decided that she sign on with another school belonging to a good friend.

[bushido_man96]

That's an interesting option, if it available. What if she would not have decided to leave for the other school?

[RichardZ]

That's an interesting option, if it available. What if she would not have decided to leave for the other school?

Good point. It was already decided that if she didnt want to, training would be private or not within the normal class structure. Though she did assist in the self defense seminars. Soon, it was plainly known that we were together, and she was known as the teacher's girlfriend.

I must state, that I am not against it, but it has to be a balance of professionalism and private life. My relationship was a long established one and not one of a teacher taking advantage.

[sensei8]

One of my competitors many years ago violated one of the instructor maxims...outside relationships with a student.

This instructor had promoted a student from white belt to green belt in 3 months duration. This student was allowed to test whenever this student thought ready. How do I know this?

3 of this instructors students, who were brown belts at the time, quit that school and joined my school. These students then told me some scary stories about the relationship between that instructor and that student.

Again, I've no problem with an instructor dating a student because they can do whatever they want as long as their relationship doesn't interfer with the other students AND the school. When a relationship like this blows up in their faces, then someone's got to go and mostly, the student(s) will go willingly.

[ElShaft]

i totally agree these things happen and most of the time pose no problem its only when favouritism crops up that problems occur but that problem may not stem from love interest or anything like that.

[RichardZ]

I am the opposite. When I taught a good friend or realitive, I was usely harder.

[bushido_man96]

I am the opposite. When I taught a good friend or realitive, I was usely harder.

I think this tends to be the unfortunate opposite extreme when it comes to dojo-relationships. I know, some are wondering how being tougher on someone would be bad for them...but when it is noticibly different treatment than anyone else in the class, it can have the same affect as those that sensei8 talked about.

[RichardZ]

Indeed. It is a tough situation to be in.

[masterphoenix]

I came across this is another forum, and I thought I'd ask it in here, since I've had a friend in this situation.

What do you guys think about people dating in the dojo, especially instructors and students? I think it might be possible, but I think there are more cons than pros when it come to dating your student/instructor. Opinions?

Being an instructor of almost 25 years, I have seen this situation, and been involved in it. Depending on what kind of social outlets a person has, sometimes the dojo is their only form of social interaction. In my relatively small town, this is definitely the case. If you don't want to go to bars, you meet people at work and whatever activities you happen to be involved in.

I wouldn't begrudge anyone the opportunity to make lasting friendships or explore mutual feelings as they develop, if this is their only real form of interaction, as it has been mine at times. However, for me, it has never worked. Maybe I made a few wrong choices. One of my best students was also a girlfriend for several years, and when things didn't work, it turned bitter for her and she struggled off and on with not wanting to come to class because losing the relationship was painful.

All in all, I really think dating is not a good idea, but I've seen happy husband/wife teams who met through teaching, and instructors who have married students and continue to be happy to this day. I'd say be very careful, mature, sensitive and wise about these issues. Even between two decent people who truly care for each other, it can backfire with the loss of a relationship or the development of resentment. Then, you have not only a division between two decent people, but also between a decent instructor and student.