The Victim Mentality

[ninjanurse]

I have recently had a situation with a student and her parents who just do not get what the martial arts are all about and have undermined her training to the point that I had asked them to bow out for the time-being due to the impact their behavior is having on other students and parents.

When she started with me 3 years ago they were of the mind that martial arts was "Chuck Norris-Texas Ranger" and that I would teach their daughter to be just like him-an idea that I felt I addressed adequately through several conversations early in her training. Through the years she has learned some physical skills and quite frankly was my best student until recently when she was promoted to red belt and things took a turn for the worse. Suddenly, they do not feel that she should have to meet the same requirements as the other red belts because she is too busy to attend regularly due to her studies and their frequent family emergencies (coincidentally all on Special Training days were she is required to run and do conditioning, etc.) should excuse her from the physical portion of testing. On more than one occasion these "emergencies" entailed getting to the yard sale first and shopping at Walmart (I have my spies!).

No matter what I say to them or how I try to explain to them the importance of physical ability, integrity, and respect, etc., I get the same response-"It is not fair, you just don't like her". Here is a kid who desperately needs what the martial arts can teach her who has parents who lack the respect and integrity that I am trying to instill, therefore she has become the victim of their own selfishness. They are building an excuse for their daughter to quit-a victim mentality in the making!

This is definitely a new one for me! Any body ever had a similar experience?

[joesteph]

I'm not sure of the age of the girl, Heidi, but is it completely the parents, or is it that there's been a change in her, and her parents have dealt with it in this smoke-and-mirrors manner? (E.g., "frequent family emergencies" and "It is not fair, you just don't like her.")

I wonder that if she would have made first dan, then that would have been the end of her martial arts journey anyway? Could it be that the parents wanted her to continue until she reached that point? Were there family arguments that you're unaware of? Again, I don't know her age, and girls mature much faster than boys, meaning social events take on greater significance earlier.

[bushido_man96]

That just sounds crazy. I can't imagine why the parents would see her being able to do less than other students, but then receive more. Its too bad, but I guess these things happen.

My worry is that if have parted ways with her temporarily, then she may not return, ever. But, what can you do? You can't change everything for one person.

[the beast]

I have seen this in other sports as well when parents won't bring their kids to practice but still expect their kids to play. This is another example of parents ruining things for their kids.

[ninjanurse]

It definitely is a parent problem-and the kid is at their mercy. In all my years of teaching I have never come across anything like this!

[tori]

That is too bad, but I have seen this before. Trust me, if they are doing this for her at your dojo, they are doing it in other areas of her life, including school.

[Roys15]

Easy, if she doesn't meet the requirements fail her, but tell her exactly why you did. Try and light a fire under her

[ninjanurse]

After several more discussions and the suggestions from me that she bow out until they were willing to support her training the parents have decided to "take a break". Oh well....it still boggles the mind but I'm not losing anymore sleep over it!

[bushido_man96]

In my experience, "take a break" has been equated to "never coming back." Too bad, really. That is a problem with society today, I think; we try to shelter everyone from failure.