Kicking heads and making friends

[ShoriKid]

Yes, I'm steeling from Keith Vargo's article in Black Belt magazine this month. He talked about something I've known and seen for years now. I just never saw it put into print before. The comradery formed in the dojo and gym by people in fighting sports/arts can be quite deep. While we all have different views and approaches to the martial arts and fighting, there are some commonalities that draw us together.

There are physical barriers to push past and goals to strive towards. You depend on your training partners to help you grow. You trust them with your safety and well being. You respect their skills and abilities and share in their struggles, just as they share in yours.

On the dojo/gym floor, there is very little room for falsehood and deception. The truth of conflict and combat weed out things that don't work and the illusions we often surround ourselves with. Cutting through our self deceptions and the images we project to the rest of the world, we are often left bereft of anything but who we really are. The brutal honesty of sweat, blood and tears can forge friendships that transcend economic status, educational levels and almost any other aspect of life that exists outside the doors of the place you train. Across the line, or past the door, of the dojo or gym being a doctor means nothing. Neither does being a janitor or flipping burgers at the local McDonalds. Effort, dedication, skill and perseverance matter and counted in high regard.

You'll find yourself learning to appreciate the abilities and worth of others that you train with. And often, the harder the training, the greater the appreciation. My best friends are the people I train with. My best friend for years was my training partner at my home dojo. We worked hard, pushed each other hard and hit each other harder than we would dare with anyone else. We did it because to do anything less was to cheat a friend. To lie to each other. To steal something. I've found that odd, but known it for years I suppose. For a long time I thought I must be wired wrong. I discovered that the people I work the hardest with in the arts, that can hurt me the most, are the ones I respect more than any other. Their behavior outside of the dojo may not be perfect, but in that training hall, I know I can count on them. I know them better than I do other people. I trust them, often more than I would anyone else, because we have that shared hardship and entrusted out physical well being to one another.

I've heard it said that hard training polishes the spirit. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't really polish, it just wipes away the dust and shows the mettle below. And that allows you to see the same in others too.

I wonder, often, if i'm the only holding this view. Or if I've just been hit in the head too much. Or, as I meantioned above, that I'm just wired wrong. Vargo's article let me know that I wasn't. Though I'm not sure how common this sort of mindset and view of the people within the dojo and gym is with others. I've been at this for a while now, training. And I wonder if that view is in part, becuase of the time I've spent in the martial arts, or it's a more common thing than that. Something that the white belt, six months into his training notices. What sort of experience or view do the rest of you hold in regards to the friendships built with training partners?

[bushido_man96]

I read Vargo's article as well, and I enjoyed it, and felt that he was quite right. When you train with someone like you say for so long, you know that you can be open with each other with just about anything, especially when it comes to critisisms in or out of the gym.

It is a special relationship to have with someone; knowing that he can kick you in the head, and that you can do the same to him. This is the kind of great things that are built in the dojo/gym.

[The BB of C]

My best friend is my training partner. But we were good friends even before we started training together. He's not much of a martial artist but his controlled brutality when we spar is just what I need and he's at a perfect level for me.

[Kieran-Lilith]

My other friends don't get the connection between my dojo friends and myself. I don't know if they can...ShoriKid is right; there's something so revealing about training. There is no room for the illusions other people might see. There's only whoever you are, and perhaps it's difficult for non-dojo people to understand. Lord knows my friends don't seem to get it...

[NewEnglands_KyoSa]

I train and teach at two different schools, of two different styles, and i am apart of and have witnessed what you are talking of...this almost, 'brotherhood' that we all form. but at the same time one of my schools is like a constant power struggle, so you can't forge a friendship, and it's sad becuase i'd actually like to, but certain people at this particular school can't put their egos in check long enough to crack a smile. i wish this particular school of mine exemplified what you are speaking of just a little more.

[DWx]

Thinking about this, its probably very true for myself. Most of my good friends are the people who I train with and to be honest most of the time I would rather spend time with them rather than my high school friends. I don't get judged on anything other than how I go about my training which is really great when you have to spend 5 days a week in a high school setting. I don't really know whether its just the people I train with, but MAists tend to be a lot less shallow than my other friends and probably more trustworthy too.

[pittbullJudoka]

There's definately a special bond there. I think it's because you seen what the person it made of inside and out not just phyically. I know myself I don't act as I should outside the dojo but I by no means go out to start fights but I can't let people run over myself or certain others. I know few people who can go out and pound on each other and go have a drink together and laugh about what they just did to each other.

I also think that the reason we can open with these people is because of the bond built in the dojo. And they can understand were you come from no matter if they're a doctor and you work in retail. There's something inside us as martail artist that naturally makes us bond closer than the average co-worker type friendship. All I can say is we are diffrent breed of people and that's cool with me.

[NightOwl]

Any group of people sharing an interest and pursuing it together is going to form communal bonds of sorts. That could be anything from wine enthusiasts to ultimate Frisbee clubs. Martial arts are the same.

Having said that however being involved together in something grueling (like martial arts or a competitive sport can be) can create stronger bonds at times IMO. However unlike the original poster, I haven't had to much luck kicking people in the head and asking them to be my friend

[bushido_man96]

At my school, we have two students who have recently been promoted to black belt. I was running a class the other day, and while I was pairing them up to spar, I told them that they should try to push each other when they spar; to step it up. I told them that they were going to be the same rank together for a long while, and they should try to push and help each other out. I hope that they can forge a relationship like that as well.

[IcemanSK]

My best friend & I trained together in college. We trained at different schools until college, when I joined him. We were always trying to take it to the next level. Always training & pushing each other. 20+ years later, we're still really close (even 1500 miles apart).