Is my Sensei being unprofesional?? HELP!

[ravenzoom]

I'd just leave it as it is. I mean the guy made a mistake, apologised, end of story. It looks like you've been training with him for some time so he isn't just some bad guy. The poor guy thought something was going on, probably has nothing in the sac at home and thought you were cute. Looking for excitement at his age. Now I understand you leave the class and all, but don't tell his wife or the police this will only make it bigger than it really is.

[dete]

that our "relationship"is getting "hot", and that he missed me while in Spain, And that its ok 4 us to have secrets and to spice up our lives!!!What should i do? Should i e-mail him back telling him to back off? or just leave it?

this is really bad. you need to make it clear that this is EXTREMELY inappropriate. I hope he never does this to anyone else.

And it's totally wrong.

This is a calculating, bad pervert, who has been thinking of you for quite some time.

nothing is worth putting up with this, leave.

[AikiGuy]

I'd just leave it as it is. I mean the guy made a mistake, apologised, end of story. It looks like you've been training with him for some time so he isn't just some bad guy. The poor guy thought something was going on, probably has nothing in the sac at home and thought you were cute. Looking for excitement at his age. Now I understand you leave the class and all, but don't tell his wife or the police this will only make it bigger than it really is.

Yes! I'm glad someone else sees the other side of this. This guy seems like he is propositioning you but isn't that normal for lots of people? He didn't try to talk you into something after you said no, so he gets points from me for backing off respectfully. In my book, there's nothing wrong with "asking" anything. There's only something wrong when someone won't take "no" for an answer. But he did, which is all I would ever ask for.

I would still save the emails as others have suggested, just in case he gets wierd about it later you can have evidence as to who started the situation. I would also agree that you should tell your husband. However, I would not ask him to do anything or try to get your teacher in trouble for this. If he is willing to drop it, then just let it drop, provided you can get past the uncomfortable feeling you probably have about the whole thing.

And before anyone asks, yes I would (and did) do the same thing myself. I have been propositioned a few times before and I never get offended as long as they don't pursue it after I say no. My wife was also propositioned with a rather kinky situation. I only asked her two questions: Have you already told him you're not interested? She said she did. And did he back off? She said yes he did. I was satisfied. How did the guy know if she was interested before asking? Lots of people would have said yes, so he should just ask and be prepared to drop it if she says no. He did and I can respect that.

BTW, the best way to turn down advances without making enemies is to blame it on your spouse. I always say "I could never even consider that. My wife is very suspicious/paranoid and would probably find out even if I did" or "My wife has a terrible temper. If she heard a rumor, I'm afraid she would become violent". This way, you don't insult anyone by actually saying "no". You just give a reason why it would be impossible. I have done this more than once and I never loose a friend/acquaintance that way.

[dete]

I thought a martial arts instructor

would be a kind of spiritual role model, if not then just a role model as a good decent human being.

[whitematt]

Yes! I'm glad someone else sees the other side of this. This guy seems like he is propositioning you but isn't that normal for lots of people? He didn't try to talk you into something after you said no, so he gets points from me for backing off respectfully. In my book, there's nothing wrong with "asking" anything. There's only something wrong when someone won't take "no" for an answer. But he did, which is all I would ever ask for.

A married 60 year old man propositioning a married 24 year old woman is not what I would consider "normal."

BTW, the best way to turn down advances without making enemies is to blame it on your spouse. I always say "I could never even consider that. My wife is very suspicious/paranoid and would probably find out even if I did" or "My wife has a terrible temper. If she heard a rumor, I'm afraid she would become violent". This way, you don't insult anyone by actually saying "no". You just give a reason why it would be impossible. I have done this more than once and I never loose a friend/acquaintance that way.

Blame your spouse? How about instead of...

"I could never even consider that. My wife is very suspicious/paranoid and would probably find out even if I did" or "My wife has a terrible temper. If she heard a rumor, I'm afraid she would become violent"

You try...

"I could never even consider that. My wife is a wonderful woman, and I love her very much" or "I'm married, I love my wife and family - I don't cheat"

The above reasons will tell the other person why nothing will happen, and not paint your spouse in a negative light.

[AikiGuy]

A married 60 year old man propositioning a married 24 year old woman is not what I would consider "normal."

You're not a 60 year old man, are you? If not, come back in several decades and see if you still have the same answer. I realize a majority of people would see this as a bit unusual but I would not call it abnormal. I know plenty of couples with 20, 30, or more years age difference. They say it's pretty normal.

Blame your spouse? How about instead of...

"I could never even consider that. My wife is very suspicious/paranoid and would probably find out even if I did" or "My wife has a terrible temper. If she heard a rumor, I'm afraid she would become violent"

You try...

"I could never even consider that. My wife is a wonderful woman, and I love her very much" or "I'm married, I love my wife and family - I don't cheat"

Yes of course that's an option too, but not the only one. I was suggesting a "last resort" response to get out of a situation where someone is very persistent (fortunately not the case here) and does not take "no" for an answer.

It's a bit psychological I think. Because if I tell someone I'm not interested (for my own reasons), she may try to talk me out of my decision. (Yes this has happened to me before.) But if my reason comes from someone who is not there, then my pursuer has nobody to argue her point with. It totally shuts down every comeback she may have before she even thinks of it.

This is just intended as a quick escape from a situation you suspect might become a bit too pushy or if it has already gotten to that point. Of course, if that is not an issue, then your comments apply and are preferable. The only catch to just flat out rejecting someone is when it is a friend, teacher, colleague, etc who you will see regularly. Rejection hurts and drives people to hold grudges (or sometimes retaliate). So if you are trying to preserve a necessary relationship of any kind, rejection may get you undesireable results later on. This was my only reason for my comments about just blaming the spouse and was intended only for this type of situation. Again your answers are more general and better for most cases. But this one seemed to be a tough spot that calls for a little subtlty.

[SBN Doug]

It's a bit psychological I think. Because if I tell someone I'm not interested (for my own reasons), she may try to talk me out of my decision. (Yes this has happened to me before.)

Funny, I would have thought it the other way around. If you give the only reason that your spouse might find out, then that might insinuate you would be interested if there was a fool-proof way of the spouse not finding out.

Perhaps a combination of both to cover all the possibilities.

[AikiGuy]

Funny, I would have thought it the other way around. If you give the only reason that your spouse might find out, then that might insinuate you would be interested if there was a fool-proof way of the spouse not finding out.

Yes it could possibly sound like you would be interested under other circumstances. But remember this is only a suggestion of how to quickly end the conversation, not how to make yourself sound loyal. Escape is the goal here, nothing more. If an otherwise persistent person (*cough*stalker*cough*) thinks I may have low ethics, but still leaves me alone, I call that a success.

I have explained this several times but I will reiterate one more time if it helps. This suggestion is only for times when other attempts do not deter your pursuer. It's for that pushy or slutty jerk who does not care if you say no or if you are married or anything else, and keeps insisting you consider his/her unwanted proposal. My point is that even such a low-life will usually not ask you to put yourself at risk for violence, etc. So it usually stops the advances. Again, this is not the case with the posted situation (although I initially thought it was). But it does work for it's intended purpose. I know because I have done it.

[Holland]

Ewwww.

I have run my own school for the past 8 years and I can not imagine pulling a stunt like that. Unbelievable.

Good luck finding a new school!

[mmljpp]

well have you ever thought of starting an independent dojo of the style and not being affilated with the man??