Dealing with conflict

[USCMAAI]

Conflicts between human beings are inevitable, but the more we know about human nature, the better we will be at resolving/de-escalating those conflicts, and the better the outcome might be for both parties. We know that different people have different priorities and different styles in dealing with situations that may occur, but in general, human beings have certain characteristics that are very similar - even across gender, racial, and socio-economic lines.

People love to be right and agreed with.

 

People hate to be wrong and disagreed with.

 

People like other people who agree with them.

 

People dislike other people who disagree with them.

 

When faced with a perceived threat to their authority, masculinity, superiority, etc some people become hostile and even violent.

So if we know that when we disagree with people, we are likely to raise resentment, it might be a good idea to strengthen - our people skills - when dealing with conflicts or potential conflicts. If we find ourselves in a tense situation, and we raise our voice, the other party is likely to respond in kind. This will usually escalate the situation quickly. Understanding this human nature is one of the first and most important steps in anger management and self-defense. You may be asking, “why waste my time learning conflict resolution skills?” My answer to this is simple. Do you really want to fight when it isn’t necessary do you? If that isn’t good enough, think of this scenario: The police arrive at the scene of a bar fight. You claim that the guy that EMT’s are putting in the ambulance attacked you, but several of the witnesses state that you and the guy were arguing and pushing each other, just before the fight started. Now, is this a self-defense situation or a fight by mutual consent? However, this scenario looks much different if the witnesses all say that while the guy was being “aggressive and hostile”, you were trying to calm things down and didn’t appear threatening until you had to defend yourself. This gives you a more solid footing in your claim doesn’t it? Below are SEVEN tips for avoiding, managing and resolving conflicts without violence.

1. Being assertive is different than being aggressive. Assertiveness is demonstrating your opinion or desire without being overbearing or hostile. It is moving and acting with a sense of confidence and purpose (i.e. without fear). Aggressiveness is acting on pure emotion, in a hostile, malevolent or violent manner (violence can be physical, emotional and verbal or all three). Remember most people return the type of attitude that is given them. You can be assertive without raising your voice, or acting angry. Staying to your point and doing so in a respectful way increases your control of a situation.

2. Be slow to anger-especially over petty issues. Anger is always more harmful than the insult that caused it. This lesson was especially difficult for me to learn, but was probably one of the most important. I have found over the years that there are not very many things worth fighting over. Remember, “don’t sweat the small stuff, and most of it is small stuff”. If something or someone is getting you upset, it is better to calm yourself. The main reasons behind this are: 1. When you are upset you don’t think clearly and tend to focus on the object of your emotional distress (not paying attention to your surroundings). 2. When you are upset, generally you look it, and your body tenses up. This causes you to react slower, and again the witnesses on the sidelines can say that they saw you “swell up” as my son would say.

The ability to control your temper is a great skill to marital artists. It helps you keep your focus and environmental awareness. It also makes you appear less enthusiastic about a physical confrontation, which in turn helps bolster your claims of “self-defense”.

3. Pride or stubbornness has caused the downfall of many people.

Most people do not want to fight, but often get so involved with proving that they are “right”, or trying to appear “strong” or “tough”, that they don’t feel that another option is available. I find that if you give people a way out of fighting that lets them save “face” most will take it. When “squared off” with someone, ask yourself if backing down is less expensive in the long run than the possible cost of fighting (physical, legal, civil and even emotional). I have a friend who actually killed a man in a fight (unintentionally of course), and ended up in prison. He has told me that the worst part of the whole experience isn’t being in prison, but the fact that he killed some one’s father, husband, son over a stupid argument.

I find that there are very few things worth fighting over, and have on several occasions have taken insults and appeared “weak” just so I wouldn’t have to maim or even kill someone.

4. Look for some way to compromise as soon as possible.

A compromise is the ability to make everyone involved feel that they gained something. This can’t always be done, but there are times when saying, “ can we just agree to disagree” can be all that is needed. I understand that finding “common ground” from which to compromise is impossible in some situations, but not all. Finding a way in which each party in a conflict can “win or at least not lose” is important.

5. If you find that you are in the wrong, admit it.

Being honest with others and yourself is the key to conflict resolution. Sometimes we make mistakes, and often when others point them out to us we resist that information (especially when pointed out in a rude and hostile manner). How many times have you gotten into an argument or even fight with someone over something, and then later realized that you were wrong, or at least had misunderstood what was happening? You should never be ashamed of admitting that you are wrong, and are willing to try to make things right. This shows wisdom.

6. Mend fences whenever possible.

Always be quick to forgive an insult or slight. Seeking to get one up on someone only creates enemies, and from my experience this can cause problems. Remember this “the enemy of my enemy is my friend”. If you don’t understand let me know and I will explain it to you. One thing that amazes me about our culture is that we claim to be a society based upon the Christian concepts of forgiveness and compassion, but we rarely forgive those who wrong us. Many of us don’t just want justice or to “get even” on those who wrong us, we would like to have vengeance or “get one up” on them.

7. Forgive but don’t forget.

Just because a conflict is resolved without violence at the moment, does not mean it will stay resolved or non-violent. My suggestion is that if you can resolve the problem and then leave. This is especially true if you are in a social setting in which alcohol is involved. Leaving eliminates the opportunity for either side to reignite the fires.

Of course I understand not all conflict cannot be resolved by peaceful means, and I say that training for those events is necessary. On the other hand many conflicts can be resolved in a peaceful manner. The rule of thumb I use is “ If an antagonist is willing to talk (even if it is calling you out of your name), then you could most likely talk yourself out of the fight. Now this does not mean that you should not be paying attention to your antagonist’s actions, or the actions of the people around you. Be ready to defend yourself and stay alert. It has been my experience that having good “soft skills” (conflict resolution) along with good self-defense skills is very helpful. Especially when it comes to dealing with the local law enforcement. Because many of the police in my community know that I teach karate, and that I am generally a passive person. They have tended to believe me on the few occasions in which I have used my self-defense skills. I have even had a civil suit thrown out because all the witnesses stated that I was calm, non-threatening and attempting to leave when I was attacked. Finally I would suggest purchasing some books on conflict resolution, dealing with bullies, and alternatives to violence (the last two are good topics for really young students).

[ninjanurse]

Nice post.

[Shotokan Dan]

Great post.

[gzk]

Excellent post, full of valuable info

[bushido_man96]

Great post. These things seem like common-sense thing to teach when it comes to self-defense, but it is usually the last thing ever taught in a class, if it is ever taught. Perhaps we should change our approach to mental first, and then physical.

[USCMAAI]

Great post. These things seem like common-sense thing to teach when it comes to self-defense, but it is usually the last thing ever taught in a class, if it is ever taught. Perhaps we should change our approach to mental first, and then physical.

Agreed! In my area my school/style is thought of as very barbaric because we take a no nonsense approach to self-defense. But when people join our classes, the first thing we talk about is all the ways to avoid getting into these encounters in the first place. My sensei use to say that the last person who wants to go to war is the warrior. That hold true today as much as it was throughout history.

[gzk]

USCMAAI, are these seven points from particular reference material, or is it your original work? If it's from somewhere else, could you let us know where, as I'd be interested to read it.

[ps1]

Great post. Thanks for the insight.

[Takusankage Soke]

Very well put

[USCMAAI]

USCMAAI, are these seven points from particular reference material, or is it your original work? If it's from somewhere else, could you let us know where, as I'd be interested to read it.

Actually it is from my experience and the teachings of my sensei (Grandmaster Kemp). I have masters degrees in Psychology and Criminal Justice, and try to apply those aspects of my education and experience (I am a couselor in a prison) to the martial arts.