politics within the dojo- need some help!

[karateka200]

Hi all. I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. My situation/problem is this: Let me start by saying that I love my school. There are some truly wonderful people there and the training atmosphere is definitely top-notch. I didn't start out at this school, but since I've been here I've grown and developed in so many ways as a martial artist.

So in the few years that I've been at my school, I've become very "visible" (for lack of a better term) at the dojo- mainly because I train there nearly every day, work very hard, and I'm pretty good at what I do, so people take notice. My sensei, who owns the school, takes notice, too. Because of my training ethic, abilities and potential, he has spent a lot of time working with me one-on-one to help me develop those abilities and potential. So the problem is the other students, some of who have been at the school longer than I have, are jealous of the time Sensei spends working with me and many of them resent me to the point of going out of their way to make my life difficult. Nothing too big, mainly just snide remarks and complaints here and there, but hurtful nonetheless. And it's consistent enough that it affects my mentality and my training. I've never been disrespectful to anyone and never tried to make myself out to be a "teacher's pet"-type. Yet somehow, the resentment continues.

There were several occasions where I thought of leaving my school, but I could never bring myself to do it, because as I mentioned before, I really love my school and I think I would be missing a huge part of my life if I left it. Not to mention I'd also feel like I was betraying my sensei who's put so much time into me.

So my question to anyone out there is how do I continue my training under these circumstances? Do I tell Sensei to stop training me, when I know that I can learn and grow so much from his teachings, just to pacify the other students? Or do I keep going on the way I have and ignore everyone else? (already tried that; it's hard to ignore people that you train and sweat with). I'd appreciate any comments, suggestions, opinions etc., particularly from other instructors and/or higher-ranking senior students.

[Kieran-Lilith]

I'm not a senior student...or I might be, depends on what you call senior...I'm past the point most people drop out, let's put it that way.

The other students have no business making fun of you. You have a right to be there and train, and if you're more dedicated than they are, then that's not your problem. What is your problem is their remarks and comments because they affect your training mentality.

To me, it almost sounds like high school. And as I am a high schooler, I know the pains of that.

Have you tried talking to the people who make comments?

My other suggestion would be to work with them. Break up their little groups and work with them one on one. If you're good and can correct them where they need it, be kind about it, be a friend, essentially, then they almost will have to have respect for you. When we get new guys in the dojo, it usually seems to me like they look at me, the teenage girl, and think "Oh, look, a girl. How cute. It's so sweet she thinks she can do anything."

So, I suppose my advice would be talking to them, respecting them, and being kind to them at all times. Even if they bug the heck out of you, even if they're rude and crude back, even if they're absolute jerks....most people can't help but respect someone who is kind and helps everyone, especially in today's world.

I wish you luck.

[Patrick]

"Oh, look, a girl. How cute. It's so sweet she thinks she can do anything."

[Sohan]

I have had the same experience in the past. Because of my hard work and efforts, I went from Nikyu to Ikyu in just four months, while the rest of the Nikyus took a year or more. There were two Ikyus promoted earlier than us that openly resented me through their snide asides (because I had received two promotions since their last promotion to Ikyu), though the other Nikyus seemed to take it in stride. I ignored them for awhile, until one day I saw them cattily making comments about me to others in class--so I just walked up to them and asked calmly if they had any problems or issues with me they wished to discuss. We ended up having a conversation after practice where we cleared the air on a few things, though I sensed that some resentment still remained. At least their behavior towards me in the dojo changed. People who behave like this are only projecting their own insecurities.

Your promotions and time spent with Sensei are usually related to your good efforts, presence, and attitude. Don't feel bad at all about any special treatment you get because it sounds like you've earned it. If you feel safe doing so, just confront the people who have the problem--with appropriate respectfullness, of course. Just walk right up to them and speak up. Typically, snide comments continue because they are not called out, and if you confront them face to face it forces them to deal with their frustrations and resentment. Kind of like pulling the bandage off all at once. Of course, this depends on the culture of your dojo and the personality of your sensei. If you are too confrontational, it could provoke physical confrontation or even brand you as a whiner, so be confident and direct, yet respectful.

With respect,

Sohan

[cathal]

This is all good advice and I think you should consider it; If I may I'll play devil's advocate for a moment.

You may want to take a few minutes and review your own behaviour and interactions with your fellow students. I know I can come off as arrogant occasionally but I don't notice it until someone speaks to me about it. It's just the way I am, and it may be the way you are as well.

So, that leads me back to the previous advice you've been given thus far and I agree that it's a good idea to chat with your fellow students. When you clear the air you should feel much more comfortable about it.

Now, if it just turns out to be normal jealousy, simply ask them to be mature adults and keep their comments to themselves. If they can't handle that then they can speak with the sensei.

[patusai]

cathal makes a fine point. Look inside first. I am not suggesting that you doing anything wrong but sometimes I know I give off appearances that I do not realize that I am doing it. It could just be a simple understanding.

[karateka200]

Thanks for all the replies and good advice. I agree that the best solution is to talk with those who make remarks and "clear the air". There's a slight difficulty with that approach in that many of those making these remarks are older than I am and out-rank me (I'm 3rd dan, they are 4th or 5th), and out of respect for them and their rank, I hesitate to call them out. I think the fact that they out-rank me and yet I get more of Sensei's attention is a big part of the problem.

[luckorskill007]

Why would 4th and 5th dans be that immature is the real question. When i took class and my instructor payed more attention to another, i would work harder so that i could have recognition. They need to work harder;)

[cathal]

Thanks for all the replies and good advice. I agree that the best solution is to talk with those who make remarks and "clear the air". There's a slight difficulty with that approach in that many of those making these remarks are older than I am and out-rank me (I'm 3rd dan, they are 4th or 5th), and out of respect for them and their rank, I hesitate to call them out. I think the fact that they out-rank me and yet I get more of Sensei's attention is a big part of the problem.

I really do support the conversation...what angers me is that 4th and 5th dans are behaving this way. They should have more maturity and professionalism than that. First, you aren't "calling them out" you are merely having a polite adult conversation to clear the air. In fact, even start with that: "I'd like to clear the air..."

Something else to consider is that if they are speaking like this during classes it's likely your sensei already knows about it. It could be possible he's waiting to see what happens.

[gheinisch]

Myself and two others began training at the same time and for the most part we advanced in rank together. But at one point they were promoted to first 1st kyu and I was not. I didn't get mad or jealous, I was very proud of them and congratulated them on their achievement. I did however reflect upon my on training and began to work even harder to achieve my goals. As the story goes we all were promoted to Shodan at the same time in a very nice ceremony. We all still train together today. I too don't understand the higher ranks behaving the way they are. Being a Martial Artist means much more then just having certain skills. Our Sensei has been training and teaching for 38 years and is still very humble. He wants you to question techniques and is the first one to listen to suggestions students may have. He actually named a certain technique after me. With all that said it sounds like the higher dans need a lesson in what a Martial Artist truly is all about. They should be encouraging you and helping you along in your journey, not talking behind your back and looking down on your progress. If you show them respect they should return the favor. As the others have said, try talking to them and find out why they feel the way they do. Maybe it's a simple misunderstanding that can be fixed. Have you tried to ask them for some advice and make them an active part of your development? Or would that totally be out of the question?

Edited June 23, 2006 by gheinisch