My story so far

[Jack]

OK, hey people, I've recently started plans for a story I wish to write, and well here is the introduction to it. I know its unusual, heck probably a first, to write some fiction and put it on this board but I'm after feedback, on any ways I can possibly improve this intro. Let me know!

 

 

 

It has been written since ancient times

 

That he will appear from a far land

 

A man yet to shape his own destiny

 

A man whose power will either grant him vengeance

 

Or destroy him.

 

 

 

This day was different from the others. From the early rise of the sun, things had been subtly strange. The early morning dew on the blades of grass, which normally bought the slightest sweet smell to the air, had not appeared, and the gentle tweets of the Wara birds that usually awoke the inhabitants of Liu were not present. The clouds were overcast grey, unlike their normal white.

 

But it was not these things that bought the foreboding sense of dread that tentatively touched and danced around the heart of Su. This was something far more potent, yet still subdued in doubt. As Su walked slowly up the entwining path that led to his home, this dread's touch sharpened, and began to grip at him. Something was wrong. Su glanced around him to check for anything wrong, but saw only the trees, standing as they had stood every day since before Su was born into the world. Still and silent, it seemed as if on this day all life had been somehow drained from even the trees.

 

As the young man continued up the path, he caught sight of his home. Normally however, when he saw home he would feel warm and welcomes, yet the dread increased when he laid his eyes upon the wooden gate and door that would lead to the premises. The gate had been forced open, the wood splintered and fallen to the auburn ground.

 

On this day, time will stop.

 

Dread will grip the far land

 

As this man is forced into his quest,

 

His test.

 

Su slowly stepped through the broken wood, slowly stepped through the last shred of ignorance that would protect him from the unravelling reality. He looked around once more. The Rei residence stood proudly yet emitted no warm welcome. A faint wind soared past Su’s ears, and carried on its fine waves, voices were heard from the Dojo. Su turned towards the dojo and walked down the path slowly, dread gripping every step Su took, whispers floating in the wind, touching Su’s mind.

 

Finally Su reached the dojo. The wooden door to the large, ornately decorated training room was slightly ajar. Approaching the door cautiously, Su pushed it gently and entered the dojo.

 

No sooner than Su had laid his eyes upon the stranger, than two men, dressed from head to toe in dark colours with small sword emblems on their lapels, from either side of the door grabbed Su to stop him from passing. The gruff smell of the men pervaded Su’s nostrils as he looked at the stranger his father was facing. His build was tall, powerful, completely still. His stern expression showed no mercy, and his eyes were deep and dark, and as Su looked into them he saw no emotion. The man was ornately dressed in a long, blue robe with a fantastic sword design shimmering golden, yet the bright design was swallowed again by the darkness of the man’s eyes. The eyes shifted momentarily to Su, curious, before looking back at Su’s father.

 

“The wutu, Tsun, where is it?” the words slowly rolled outwards with a great authority.

 

“As long as I live, I shall never tell.” spat back Tsun with conviction.

 

The stranger seemed to ponder over this for a few, long seconds, before staring long and deep into Tsun’s eyes. Tsun shifted slightly in fear, before bringing his guard up and adopting a fighting stance.

 

“Stay back, son” he said as the stranger looked on at him.

 

Tsun quickly moved forwards and let loose a coordinated flurry of hand and elbow strikes, yet with elegant grace the stranger somehow avoided every blow without effort. Hesitating for a second, Tsun span, and looking over his shoulder skilfully whipped his leg around with great speed. The stranger calmly slid underneath the kick and stood upright again, and again stared deep into Su’s father’s eyes as he returned to a fighting stance. The stranger smiled wryly to himself in satisfaction, and nodded. Tsun looked shaken, and stammered slightly before asking.

 

“Where have you learnt this from?” he asked, aghast.

 

“You have learnt nothing, my old friend.” The stranger chuckled, before adopting an elaborate fighting stance, his trained feet elegantly spaced with perfect balance, his hands open.

 

“Now, perhaps you will care to fight me.”

 

“That… that is not TaoHar” the father asked, puzzled and frightened.

 

“Stop talking, and fight.” the stranger persisted “Perhaps then you will tell me of the wutu.”

 

Tsun adamantly adopted a simpler fighting stance, before coming forwards with a direct kick aimed for the stranger’s head, which was gracefully evaded. Tsun maintained his balance and replaced his foot, and powerfully bought his elbow horizontally to connect with the stranger’s abdomen, to simply connect anywhere. The stranger speedily lifted his knee, blocking the elbow, and then straightened the leg with deadly accuracy, swiftly crashing his foot into Tsun’s face. He dropped to the floor, gasping, as the man returned to standing upright, with hands behind his back.

 

For Su it was too much. Elbowing backwards, he caught one of the men cleanly in the solar plexus and broke free of their strong holds.

 

“Father!” he cried as he ran towards the stranger and desperately swung outwards with his fist. As soon as he came close to this stranger, this master, Su’s will collapsed to his and the stranger’s dark, powerful eyes connected to Su’s and locked on as the man powerfully deflected his arm downwards with his own, before pulling his arm back. He stepped into Su and thrust his elbow out powerfully into his gut. Shocked, Su choked and dropped backwards to the floor alongside his father, who struggled to pull himself up, contorted with gasping.

 

“No matter how much you ask, I will never tell you”

 

The man’s eyes darkly shifted from Tsun and to Su, and the smallest glimpse of a smile showed itself on the corner of his lips. He strode over to Su and knelt by him, then wrapped his powerful hand around his throat and stood, holding Su high in the air.

 

“The wutu,” the sadistic smile of the stranger grew “or your son.”

 

Tsun choked profusely, struggling to force out the words from his dry lips.

 

“Ok, I’ll tell you. The wutu, its,” he coughed again, “In the temple.”

 

The man slowly turned his head to face his two assistants, and nodded, before dropping Su in an undignified, heaving pile. He looked back at Tsun and forcefully spoke.

 

“Tsun Rei, get up. You will die this day.”

 

It is said that the prophecy’s beginning

 

And the past’s end

 

Will be heard from the highest mountains of Ari.

 

Recovering, Tsun pulled himself up. Su looked up at his father, the expression of hate on his bloodied face, the trembling fists as they thrust towards the stranger, again the swift evasion, the skilful touch, and finally, the deathblow. The man cupped his palms and evilly thrust them deep into the abdomen of the father. A deep blow sounded powerfully throughout the dojo as he was knocked backwards, choking, and collapsed to the floor. The man smiled once more and nodded in satisfaction, and quickly turned and walked out of the dojo, his two assistants in tail.

 

As Tsun lay, wheezing, Tsun dragged himself with every last bit of energy in his body to him, and wrapped his arms around him. Tsun looked at Su with great conviction, and forced out his last few words.

 

“Su, don’t” he struggled for breath “don’t waste your life on hate”

 

“Father?” the young man forced his words.

 

Silence.

 

“Father!” He cursed and collapsed, unconscious.

 

Time stood still that day.

 

 

 

Hope you enjoyed it, now, comments? thanks!

 

 

[Joecooke007]

I did enjoy your story, but as a piece of constructive critisism you should use more pronouns in the place of names to keep the story from getting bland. Otherwise it was great. I look forward to more.

 

 

[Jack]

Joecooke, you have a very good point there. I'm no good with these foreign names!

[Bon]

What's the point of the story, to show off your vocab or entertain ?

 

I'd cut down on the big words, they only expatiate where uncessary.

 

 

[Jack]

lol, to entertain.

 

And long words? I hadn't even noticed

[SaiFightsMS]

You do seem to do a good job of painting mental imagery. If the "foreign" names are a problem try using names closer to those you are comfortable working with.

 

 

[three60roundhouse]

I liked the vocabulary. Great job, Jack...I'm not too good with those foreign names, though!