Substance Abuse (Helping Others)

[scottnshelly]

Hello,

I’m just looking for some insight, or something, I don’t know.

About two months ago, I participated in an intervention. My father-in-law has been an alcoholic for years and we finally stepped in and helped him make the decision to go to treatment. Now that he’s back and in recovery, I’m finding myself looking around at others that I can help. I didn’t enjoy the intervention part at all, and seeing my father-in-law going through recovery was very tough. I really don’t want to do that again, but subconsciously now I want to help others.

I’ve got a friend; we’ve been friends since 2nd grade, best friends. He’s never admitted to me, but has left hints that he’s addicted to pills. The other day he inadvertently sent an e-mail to me about being addicted to pills. I told him today that I saw it; at first his face got red and he didn’t say anything. Shortly thereafter he asked me if I had any questions. I didn’t know what he was talking about, so I just said no. Then he told me that we should go out to lunch sometime.

I think we’re going to try to go to lunch tomorrow. I guess my question is, is it normal for me to want him to go to treatment, or should I butt out? I know it’s not my business, but I feel like I need to help him. I’m thinking that while we go out to lunch he’s going to bring it up, but if he doesn’t, should I?

On an ironic note, he was my confidant during the period of helping my father-in-law, now the roles have changed. Night-before-last I had a dream: my father-in-law and I were showing my friend around at the same treatment facility that he went to. It was exactly like it really happened two months ago, except with different people.

In summation, should I ask him to get help, should I offer to help, should I butt out, should I feel guilty for wanting to help, etc?

Thanks.

[fallen_milkman]

Honestly, I'd gauge whether he wants help or not. Certain people pull away from help when they aren't ready for it. If it's not been a severe problem I'd let it lie until he realizes he needs help. However, waiting can be dangerous too. Basically what I am saying is use your best judgement, but don't move late. Better a little early than too late. That is my take, as one who had a bit of an addiction problem. Not as serious as pills, but I did pull myself out of it. I would say be open to your friend, but don't push the wrong ways. Ironically enough, the guy posting on the martial arts board was saved by martial arts! I want to be good, and drugs have no room in being a good martial artist.

[White Warlock]

Indeed, as milkman inferred, it is truly up to your friend. There are basically stages a person goes through. One of those stages is admission. Your friend indicating he has an addiction gives a good chance he is ready to break the addiction. But, like most addictions, trying to do it alone is dang tough... almost impossible. It may be that he needs your support, but it needs to be his call, not yours. It needs to be his request for your help, although you can tell him how close a friend he is to you, and how you care about him and always will.

Showing him 'honest' love will instill in him the trust he needs to know you will be there for him throughout the process of trying to fight the addiction. But, be aware that people with addictions often don't behave the way you 'remember' them to. He may very well construe your care and friendship as an 'opportunity' to exploit you. For the addiction, if strong enough, can drive him... rather than he driving himself. One of the reasons addictions are so devastating. They don't merely attack the person, but everyone who reaches out to that person.

I'm sure you experienced a bit of that with your father-in-law. It may be you could end up spreading yourself thin if you want to continue to help your father-in-law and now also help your friend. Also, as i noted in another thread about 'marriage counseling,' you should really leave the treatment and care to the professionals, and simply be his 'moral' support. Help him, guide him, but do not support him financially or emotionally. Breaking an addiction is tough, as i mentioned earlier and as you've likely already experienced with the first stages of your father-in-law's process, so he could end up dealing with some rather intense emotional moments. In most cases on this, you need to be strong, firm, not soft and consoling. He got himself into this mess and he'll need to get himself out of this. It's not a "feel sorry for him" kind of thing, but a "let's get you out of this situation so you can go on with your life" kind of thing.

My absolute best advice is to visit a treatment center and ask a 'therapist' (not a nurse, not a receptionist) for advice. You can go with your friend, assuming your friend has already stepped forward and indicated he requests your assist, or you can go alone. Either way, your questions shouldn't be about what he needs to do, but what your role should be in this whole process.

Good luck.

[scottnshelly]

Ironically enough, the guy posting on the martial arts board was saved by martial arts! I want to be good, and drugs have no room in being a good martial artist.

I couldn't agree more. I thought getting this friend involved with Martial Arts would be a good first step. I've offered, but he's about to go away to college, so he doesn't want to get started just to have to quit when he moves.

[scottnshelly]

Thanks White Warlock,

I sent him an e-mail and told him to have lunch with me or come over sometime so we can catch up. He recently changed shifts so I don’t see him at work anymore. I’ll ask him then if there’s anything he needs from me or whatever. Thanks for your advise, everyone. More insight is still appreciated.