Issue with fellow kyu; advise sought

[TangSooGuy]

Don't treat him any differently than you would any other person, just because he's "special".

I'mnot suggesting you be rude to him, but I wouldn't suggest you be rude to anyone.

As for him functioning on the level of a child emotionally, it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be approaching the problem emotionally, anyway.

I still say go to your instructor. If you want to handle it yourself though, just explain to him rationally what the problem is. Don't make threats, just let him know. If it doesn't stop, you really need to escalate it to someone with a higher position of authority.

[AngelaG]

Exactly what I meant Jay, you are two adults, and therefore the situation needs to be resolved in an adult manner. However if you have already spoken to him and the matter continues then as I see it you have two options, ignore him if you think you can handle that, or go to your shihan. The problem is that if your shihan does not handle it correctly it could be blown out of all proportions.

Good luck

[jay46]

Don't treat him any differently than you would any other person, just because he's "special".

I'mnot suggesting you be rude to him, but I wouldn't suggest you be rude to anyone.

As for him functioning on the level of a child emotionally, it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be approaching the problem emotionally, anyway.

I still say go to your instructor. If you want to handle it yourself though, just explain to him rationally what the problem is. Don't make threats, just let him know. If it doesn't stop, you really need to escalate it to someone with a higher position of authority.

I talk to even my own kids like they were adults and I do the same with him. I used to deal with him like every other kyu, an 'atta boy" when he did something well and encouragement when he was having trouble getting over a hurdle, as we all do. I was rude with him once in response to one of his extemely rude remarks (I need to work on some aikido philosophy ) So, no I don't/didn't treat him 'special'. Maybe that's the issue. I suppose it's possible that he's been treated special his entire life. Maybe he thinks if one doesn't treat him special, that person doesn't like him?

I don't think I'm approaching the issue as an emotional one. I am approaching it as a trust issue. I don't trust him. Is that emotional? I don't know. How he views the situation I don't know that either (despite my asking).

I think the consensus is to talk to shihan about it. I plan to do that the next time I'm at the dojo (or maybe a call to him this weekend).

Thanks for the advice all. (How did anyone survive before the Internet.)

[JusticeZero]

Hmm. Thinking back over the conversations with presenters at a disability academic conference I helped organize and with the guy i've trained beside who was blind, and an autistic friend of mine in college...

No, no need to treat this special. You mentioned that he can act better to other people.

Plus, though i'm not an expert in autism, I think the "emotionally a child" thing is bunk. They percieve the world differently and their mind processes things in a different way, but nothing of it is "childlike". Imagine that you cannot think abstractly; your "internal voice" only talks in pictures, not words; you sense things that others don't (which are actually verifiably there - they don't filter sensory input and thus spend most of their time noticing -everything- whether they need to or not, and can be overwhelmed by things that are out of place)

[Sam]

Autism isnt just a social disorder disorder - it alters the perception of how you judge things, and does occur in the brian, - autistic people generally prefer inanimate objects to pets or people; and mostly [earlier on] struggle with imaginative play.

In later life this "disrespectfulness" your talking about may well be just a result of a different world view: generally autistic people dont see the world in the smae way we do, and struggle with the general airs and graces [social politeness] that most of us understand.

The butting in part does sound quite plausible as an result of the autism... as does the lining up part.

Hope this helpts

[jay46]

Autism isnt just a social disorder disorder - it alters the perception of how you judge things, and does occur in the brian, - autistic people generally prefer inanimate objects to pets or people; and mostly [earlier on] struggle with imaginative play.

In later life this "disrespectfulness" your talking about may well be just a result of a different world view: generally autistic people dont see the world in the smae way we do, and struggle with the general airs and graces [social politeness] that most of us understand.

The butting in part does sound quite plausible as an result of the autism... as does the lining up part.

Hope this helpts

Thanks. I am aware of the behavioural issues from autism and that those with it perceive the world differently than others. My issue and concern is that these issues/incidents seem to be directed at me for the most part not that he says or does these things in a general sense. There are 8 kyus at my level. He will invariably bull his way next to me. The disrespectful remarks directed at me, he says in my presence. He has said a few things about others but not in their presence (at least not that I'm aware of). I would not take issue with it if he was an equal opportunity offender. Were that the case I know it's not personal. My concern is that it maybe personal (for whatever reason).

[Sam]

alright - thanks for clarifying it - maybe he's just plain rude.... since you've tried subtle confrontation (and as you say sometimes not so subtle), then maybe it is time to takl to your intructor.

[scottnshelly]

I'm no expert on autism, but if he is only a lesser degree of autistic, have you tried just treating him like a regular adult? If he's always 'bugging' you, then he has some sort of attraction to you. Maybe that's really because he respects you or looks up to you. Think about how kids act when they like someone of the opposite gender - they annoy them. If he is always butting into your conversations and standing beside you, maybe he's just vying for your attention. Every time you see him, make it a point to say 'hi' to him, invite him into conversations, ask him to stand by you...give him the attention he is craving. My sister-in-law is slightly autistic, sometimes she'll get on an attention kick where she just keeps saying your name and holding her hand out as if to shake hands. All she wants is for us to stop talking to other people or watching tv and talk to her for a while. After she gets her attention, she'll go play in her room or push her baby buggy around. My sister-in-law isn't really able to speak in whole sentences, and yet she still wants people to talk to her. If this guy is able to communicate well, he probably wants to talk even more.

I'm with the rest that if you've exhausted all efforts, talk to your Instructor, but sometimes he might be wondering how to solve the problem as well. See if giving him the attention that he craves works first.

Keep us updated with how this plays out.

[Muaythaiboxer]

good post i would agree with that

however if it is not and attentiaon and he just doent like you i would tell him nicely to back off if he can drive a car and has a job hes ahead of alot of people i know and should be treated just like anyone else. if someone ever makes a point of telling you they have a problem they ussualy want you to feel sorry for them.