A probably common, but hard to deal with situation.

[Kieran-Lilith]

Okay, yeah, I know this will sound like it happens to everyone, and from what I've seen, it just about does. That's beside the point. But yeah...I was going out with my best friend of many years ago, in a long distant relationship. I went out with him for about a year, then I broke up with him. He had mentally abused me, and actually, though it takes a bit more work to see, and it's not severe, sexually abused me. As it happens, my friends know me better than I'd normally like, and my green belt friend guessed what was happening (he practically reads my mind. Everyday. He knows what I do, when I did it, and why I did it, just by looking at my eyes and how I move. It's infuriating.) He told the rest of my friends, and I am now about completely out of the relationship. I've cut all contact with my former boyfriend, changed e-mails and such, deleted accounts (thank God he doesn't know about this site, I love it too much), but I still want to talk to him. I miss him terribly, even though that probably doesn't really make sense. I talked to him once, last night, and I feel better for it, like I've finally finished with it, but it's strangee....it's something I can't quite understand, I'm only 15, for God's sake! And barely that.....if anyone's been through this, which I would bet is true, do you have any advice I could have? Please?

::edit:: Clarified who I cut contact with.

Edited March 23, 2005 by Kieran-Lilith

[June1]

Although I haven't been in an abusive relationship, I have gone through a break-up (and a half, if you want to get technical). It's difficult, but definitely survivable.

The best advice I can give you is to put distance between you two right now. I think it will be easier to get you over the worst of the after-effects of the split. I hope that you have a bit more closure after your chat last night, but be careful and wary, for if he was able to abuse you while you were together, it's more than likely he'll try and do the same to convince you to get back together with him, if that's what he wants.

I'm not sure if you'll find this helpful, but if you need to chat more, feel free to pm me anytime!

Be strong, you're not alone.

[vertigo]

wow..

umm.. in my opinion, if this guy abused you mentally and sexually, why would you want to go back to him?

I'm trying to say this as delicately as possible, but I'd avoid him... you'll be better off without him, if he's an abuser.

I haven't been through this situation, but this is just my opinion. Whatever you decide, best of luck with whatever you decide to do. Stay safe

[cathal]

I think the friend who told about her abusive relationship is the one that the ties have been cut with.

[isshinryu5toforever]

No she cut contact with the ex. Otherwise why would she change e-mails and go through all that trouble?

You are just 15 remember this. Your mind and hormones run at two different speeds male or female. You might have to sit back and let your mind catch up, and this is about the only time I would say make a rational decision using just and only your brain. I am usually one of those go with what your heart tells you people, but in this instance I would let your logical thought process take over a little more. Good luck, and if you want to chat I'm free.

[seersin]

Why would ya want to go back to someone who abused ya?How old is this cat?Man it hurts me to hear this though(I have a little girl of my own,and can't imagine what I would do if anyone ever abused her)I would cut off all contacts completely.I'm an ex-womanizer and can tell ya personally from experience that it won't just get better all of a sudden.Your way to young to let some idiot ruin your life,and life is way to precious to live it being abused mentally,physically or sexually.God bless

[Kieran-Lilith]

I know it makes no sense. I can't figure it myself. I do miss him, there were a lot of times in the relationship he was the sweetest person I knew....but then a lot of the times, near the end, he was always angry with me, because I wasn't home when I should be. I stayed after school a lot to hang out with my friends. And as to how old he is....he's 15, only a month and a half older than I. He had a nightmare of a childhood, if you can call it that. It's probably more true to say he had no childhood.

[cathal]

OK ok I get it now. But what you've formed here is not a meaningful, healthy relationship. What you've got are remnants of an abusive relationship. What happened was you've developed a need-based relationship...many young people can develope this very quickly. Its an authority issue, as I recall. You want to be with him again because you remember the good times, and you feel that outweighs the bad things that happened to you.

Another reason may be that you're feeling guilty about something and are seeking to punish yourself, and you've found that punishment usually came from your ex, ergo you think you want to get back with him.

So, bottom line here, realize that you've done a good thing in leaving your ex. Next, stay away from your ex because it can take you into a worse condition. Finally, get some counselling. It doesn't mean you're crazy, it doesn't mean you are disturbed. It helps if you have someone older and more experienced in such things help you to put it into perspective. Where I live there is a free clinic for such things, try taking a few minutes to search out one yourself. Even ask your school's guideance counsellor for a referral to one of the free places...I'm sure they're around.

[Kieran-Lilith]

Thank you all for the advice. Just to let you all know now, I am beginning to hate the boy. It's not nice, but REALLY! He had no right....ummm, to make a long story short, when we were dating I cut my hair against his wishes. He didn't like that. He finally saw a pic of what I look like now, with short hair (It's shorter than some boys' hair at school). He obviously hated it, and blew his top, said I looked like a boy, I said I liked it and was happy, and if he was even my friend that's all that should matter to him. He proceeds to tell me how he realizes why he always felt so hurt by me, and why Fate always stood in the way of his being with me (I realize that too, it's so he would stay FAR FAR AWAY) and how he's trying so hard to get over me, and how sometimes, when he feels hurt, he imagines beating my friends up, and when he feels really really hurt, he imagines beating me up (Umm....someone remind me what I was doing with this guy in the first place...and he's only a month and a half older than me!) and how he realized I had changed so much since second grade (I should hope so, I'm a freshman in highschool, not a toddler) and how he is trying to get off me, and it's like quitting cigarettes, only those don't tell you that you need psychiatric help (Telling him he needs help was one of my better ideas, if you ask me). Yada yada yada, and then he tells me never to speak to him again unless I get over this "emotional abuse crap". Well, gee, it's nice to know that how I feel matters so much. And then he dares to say that maybe it's time he starts ditching his old virtues (what virtues?) and starts trying to be like everyone else, because it works well enough for me. The ONLY TIME I EVER SACRIFICED MY VIRTUES WAS BECAUSE OF HIM!!!!! Go to hell, Andrew. (Sorry, that would be his name.)

Sorry people, I really needed to rant. Really really needed to rant. Thank you for listening, which might not have been the best idea.

[cathal]

That young fellow needs some counselling. If he continues on the path he's following, he may be doing that for the rest of his life. I doubt anyone would want to have that happen to his future family, and possibly children. Telling him this may not help, perhaps you should talk to your parents, so they can speak to his own parents.